Chapter 9
The next two weeks were the best of my life. The
schedule changed so the dancers only rehearsed with the guys in the morning and
the afternoons were designated for press functions. I woke up to Aj’s smiling
face, did the thing I loved most in the world in the mornings, had lunch with
Aj, spent the afternoons lounging on the beach with the girls and met Aj when
he returned at night for dinner and fell asleep in his arms. The intensity
between Aj and I never faltered and though we had been officially dating for
only about three weeks and known each other for only a little over a month, we
were so connected that I felt like I’d been with him all my life. To appease
Mollee I spent a lot of time with her and the dancers in the afternoons and
tried desperately not to pine after Aj while he was gone but I couldn’t
entirely hide how serious we were from her. The only time I managed to get Aj
out of my head was the odd afternoon when Josh would have some time off and
we’d go out around Tampa. He had grown up in the area so he knew all the cool
places and we had a good time goofing around at the various skate parks,
boardwalks, beaches and cafes. Aj was never thrilled when he came back from a
press junction to find out that I had spent the afternoon with Josh but he was
slowly getting better about it.
Nights were by far my favorite as Aj
and I spent our time out on romantic dates and making out in his spacious bed.
The physical side of our relationship was intense as well but I always stopped
him before it went too far. Sex was something I was still very fragile about,
especially since Rich. He had always used it as a weapon and no matter how hard
I tried the minute we began to cross that line, I’d flashback. Aj seemed
patient enough about it but I always felt guilty. I knew his reputation and the
kinds of relationships he was used to. In a moment of thoughtlessness he
admitted to me that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d gone this long
without sex. It upset me more then I let on that I had to hold us back but I
hoped that I could at least use all my other skills to keep him occupied. To
that end we utilized everything else under the sun to fill our nights with the
passion that we felt so strongly during the day.
Mollee was still concerned but she seemed to slowly
accept the fact that this was just how Aj and I were and as time passed and he
remained as true and wonderful to me as he was at the start, she warmed up to
him. There were times when I’d catch them hanging out during rehearsal and it
always warmed my heart to see them forming a relationship as well. Brian and I
got closer as time wore on and we became partners in crime when it came to
pranks and disrupting rehearsals. Nick and I had strengthened our relationship
too and we were often found chatting in corners of the rehearsal studio about
anything and everything. For someone who had had almost no formal education he
was so inquisitive and we became known for our intense theoretical
conversations about life, love, and everything in between. Howie was my rock as
this world got crazier and crazier. I don’t know how he did it but any time I
became overwhelmed, he was there with an arm over my shoulder, grounding me and
reminding me who I was. He was a deep soul and I loved how he focused me.
It wasn’t long before we were wrapping up the last
week of rehearsals and preparing to move onto the stage. In honor of a really
great rehearsal and the arrival of Leighanne and Leigh, the guys had planned to
go out clubbing. We had rehearsal the next day so it wasn’t going to be too out
of control but everyone was excited to get off of the lot together for some fun
for the first time in almost a month. All the girls raced back to the dancer’s
bus after rehearsal to begin to get ready and the excitement in the air was
palpable. We all helped each other find the perfect outfits and do our hair and
makeup and the mood was nothing but positive. Mollee even helped Camie with a
smoky eye effect which was kind of her specialty. Though Mollee would probably
never forgive Camie for what she had said to me, she seemed to be warming up to
her as the weeks passed without incident. Camie had calmed down a lot and
seemed to actually enjoy spending time with everyone but her obsession with Aj
had her still lashing out at me. It was nothing huge and no one knew about it
except me and Aj (who was the one person I confided in when her words got to
me) but it was enough to make it clear that she was going to fight me every
step of the way if I wanted to be her friend. Of course that only made me fight
harder to be nice to her and understand what her issues.
Finally it
was time to go and we all left the bus to meet the guys at the various cars we
had decided to take to the club. I took in Aj’s muscle shirt with appreciation
as he looked over my form fitting black dress. We both smiled at each other,
whole once again now that we were reunited, and climbed into the back seat of
Mollee’s car.
The club was rocking when we entered with Aj’s hand firmly in mine. A quick glance told me that everyone was pretty much paired up. Mollee and Nick were beginning to freak dance in the center of the room, Brian and Leighanne were deep in conversation at the bar over drinks, Howie and Leigh were making out in the corner and Sophie was talking to a random guy by the DJ station. Aj attempted to pull me onto the dance floor with Nick and Mollee but the sight of Camie sitting on the far end of the bar sadly stirring a drink made me stop short.
“How much do you love me?” I asked Aj before he could pull me farther
in the door
“I love you to the moon and back. Why?” He asked suspiciously
“Look at Camie at the bar. She looks so lonely…” I started as Aj cut me
off
“Oh no, you need to learn to leave people alone who don’t like you. She
is a bitch to you all the time and you keep trying to go out of your way to be
nice to her. Well I’m not enabling you. No sir. Stop looking at me like that
it’s not going to work”
“Please Aj?” I asked pitifully giving him the biggest pouting eyes I
could generate
“No”
“But it’d be a good deed. And it would just be for one dance, or maybe
two. Let her know that you don’t hate her so her night won’t be completely
ruined”
“Absolutely not”
“I’d be willing to trade favors for it” I said seductively as Aj
groaned
“You are the worst. I better get some serious payment” He said as I
grinned and took his jacket for him
“You will get so much payment, more payment then you know what to do
with. Go!” I said happily as he frowned and slumped off in the direction of the
bar. I watched him approach her and saw her face light up when he asked her to
dance. It was worth it to see her seem human for a second even if it meant that
I was now alone in a club with no one to dance with.
“Kat, come over here!” Mollee yelled. I took advantage of her kindness
and joined her and Nick as they tore up the floor. She eyed me and then noticed
Aj dancing with Camie “Being saintly?”
“As always” I said rolling my eyes for her benefit
“You have to cut that out. I don’t know why you insist upon being nice
to that girl, she’s nothing but trouble” Mollee said loudly over the music
“Because everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn’t be” I said
“That does sound
like you” She laughed. Nick took one of my hands and one of hers as a new song
started so we could both dance with him
“Such a pimp” I joked to him
“Oh yeah” He said with a huge grin “Hot sisters”
“Hey!” Mollee and I said together smacking him lightly in the chest. I
was having such a blast dancing with Mollee and Nick that I totally lost track
of time. Mollee finally pulled us away from the dance floor after about an hour
to get a drink and I looked around for Aj but couldn’t find him or Camie
anywhere
“Seen Aj?” I asked Brian as we joined him and Leighanne at the bar
“I saw him leave with Camie about 20 minutes ago I think. I assumed you
were behind it” Brian answered as I frowned
“I was behind him dancing with her but there was nothing that included
leaving with her without saying goodbye to me” I said with a pout as Brian
laughed
“Well it’s his loss. Why don’t we show my wife what good dance partners
we are?” Brian said offering his hand as I grinned
“It’s ok with you?” I asked Leighanne awkwardly. She laughed and waved
me away with one hand as Brian pulled me on the dance floor
“You don’t have to ask my wife for permission to hang out with me”
Brian said with a laugh
“Shush, I’m not good with these things” I scolded him
“You’re not good with these things or all things in general?” He joked
as I scowled and he pulled me into a dip “Stop that. Dance with me”
“If I must” I said offhandedly with a grin and we started goofing off
all over the dance floor. Time sped up again and it was getting really late
before Howie joined Nick, Mollee, Brian, Leighanne and I on the dance floor.
“Hey we should get back guys. We have a tour to promote” He said
causing a storm of complaints “Come on, let’s go”
“Yes sir!” Brian said loudly with a salute and led us all marching out
of the club. The ride home was short and we were all completely obnoxious in
the back of Howie’s car.
“Hey Howie, drop me at Aj’s, I want to say goodnight” I said as he
nodded and pulled up to Aj’s bus “Night everyone!”
“Goodnight!” They all yelled as Howie drove away to the next closest
bus. I crept up the stairs and turned the handle, trying my hardest not to make
any noise. I heard some shuffling sounds from the bedroom so I figured Aj was
back there and restlessly waiting for me to come home. I snuck down the hallway
hoping to surprise him and pushed the door open slowly. What I saw made my
heart drop into my stomach. Aj was in bed. His clothes were on the ground. But
he was not alone. A shock of red hair was mixed with his brown and I froze,
unable to pull myself away from the gyrations that were clear even in the half
light of the cracked windows.
“Aj” I croaked with what little voice I could muster.
“Kat, Shit. Oh Shit, Kat” He scrambled toppling a naked Camie from her
place on top of him
“Oh my god, Oh my god” I said quickly as I backed out of the room
“KAT, WAIT!” Aj yelled trying to pull the blanket with him off of the
bed and follow me
“Oh my god” I repeated and bolted out the door. I was in complete
shock. Camie and Aj were in bed naked. That really just happened. I could hear
Aj trying to follow me, calling my name, but the only thing that was
functioning in my whole being was a voice inside me telling me to get out of
there, get away from him, and fast.
“KAT” I heard knocking me back into reality and I booked it around
Nick’s bus, behind the dancer’s bus, and into the next available bus. I closed
the door quickly behind me and leaned against it panting. Images of Camie on
top of Aj burned themselves into my mind. The sound track I had not registered
in the moment seemed to just now be bleeding its way into my consciousness and
I shook my head vigorously to clear the noises I recognized from Aj as I had
elicited them myself not too long ago.
“Kat what are you doing here?” I heard as the light switched on and
Howie walked through the door having just dropped everyone off and parked his
car. The sight of him, of something familiar and linked in my brain with Aj
brought reality back to me at an alarming speed and all of the sudden I was
suffocating on my tears. “Oh my god what’s wrong? What happened?”
“Aj” I started as I tried to catch my breath while my world collapsed
around me
“What about Aj?” Howie asked as I leaned into his chest. How did I get
here? Was I on the couch?
“Camie” I squeaked out as tears poured down my face at a shocking rate.
I was losing track of time. Some seconds seemed to last hours and others were
non-existent
“Yes, Aj left with Camie. Are they not back?” Howie asked as I began
coughing “Come on, take some deep breaths. Tell me what’s wrong. Are they ok?”
“In bed” I whispered as I watched it all click in Howie’s eyes
“No way, there’s no way” He said moving me onto the couch so he could
crouch in front of me and search my face
“I saw” I said through sobs as we heard a knock on the door. Suddenly
my tears stopped as fear gripped me hard. It was him. I couldn’t see him.
“Howie I can’t. I can’t see him”
“It’s ok. Go… go upstairs to the reflection room and stay there until I
get you” He said as I scrambled up the stairs and Howie watched to make sure I
was gone before opening the door to the frantic knocks
“What?” I heard Howie’s voice drift up the stairs as I stood paralyzed,
knowing it was going to kill me to hear his voice but unable to move in the
anticipation of it
“She’s here” Aj slurred “I know it. I saw her”
“Are you drunk?” Howie asked slowly with mounting anger in his voice.
Damn these buses. Sound travelled through them so that I felt like I was
standing next to Howie even as I sat, clutching my knees to my chest, in the
dark room on the second floor
“Camie’s bitch” Aj slurred again
“You’re drunk. Aj man what did you do?” Howie asked and I heard a small
scuffle
“Let me in. I need her. I’m sorry” Aj said forlornly and what was left
of my heart shattered
“You need to drink some water and get back on your bus. You can’t see
her. You fucked up Aj. You really fucked up” Howie said helping him out the
door and shutting it
“KAT I’M SORRY!” Aj yelled from outside as I started shaking violently.
Tears were streaming down my face as Howie bounded up the stairs and found me
shivering in the corner.
“Come on. Let’s get you some blankets. We’ll set you up in here” Howie
said quietly as he lifted me up and carried me to his reflection room. He set
me on some pillows and draped a blanket over me but my shivering did not stop.
He sat and let me rest my head on his lap as he picked up his phone. “Sophie?
Get me Mollee”
“Molls” I said quietly through my shaking. I could still hear Aj yelling from in this
room but I couldn’t make out the words.
“Yes sweetie I’m going to get Mollee for you. You can stay in here
tonight unless she wants to brave outside with you” Howie said soothingly
causing my shaking to slow a little
“Molls” I sighed as I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on any other
noise in the world other than Aj’s yelling or Howie’s relaying the story to
Mollee over the phone. In an instant she was at the door to the reflection
room.
“I sent him to his bus” Mollee told Howie and I looked up a little to
meet the eyes of my big sister. I could see the heartbreak from my eyes reflect
in hers as she took in my state.
“Why?” I asked quietly before more tears started again and Mollee
rushed over to me and held my face in her hands
“Kat I know this hurts. I know. But we’ve been through worse. You can
make it through this. You are strong. Come on, let’s get you home” Mollee said
soothingly as I nodded and tried to stand but the emotional expenditure was too
much and I fell back where I was sitting. Without being asked Howie’s arms were
under my knees and behind my back and I was in his arms as he carried me to the
dancer’s bus with Mollee marching an escort in front of us. It was a good thing
because as we approached the bus we came face to face with a very drunk and
distraught Aj.
“Kat, please listen. Kat” He slurred and I buried my head into Howie’s
chest
“Bring her inside, I’ll handle this” Mollee said with anger coursing
through her. Howie brought me in the bus but not soon enough to miss the sound
of Mollee’s hand as it met Aj’s face
“She’ll get in trouble” I protested from Howie’s arms
“Shush, it’s ok. I’ll make sure nothing happens to her. Is this your
bunk?” Howie asked pointing to my bunk which was partially open
“Yeah” I whispered as my shivering started up again
“I’ll stay until she gets back” Howie said letting me down into my bed
but keeping his hand on my face
“Thanks” I said quietly as a new wave of sobs took me from the memory
of the night when Aj was the one standing outside my bunk comforting me.
Another immeasurable amount of time went by and then Mollee was next to me, the
lights were out, and Howie was gone.
“You’ll survive this” Mollee whispered to me as she ran her fingers up
and down my forearm “Just like you always do. You’ll survive this”
“It hurts” I whispered as Mollee sighed and pulled me into a hug
“I’m so sorry” She said kissing my head. I don’t know if I fell asleep
or spaced out or lived in that moment of horrified discovery all night but
within an instant it was light out and Mollee was shaking me.
“I can’t…” I started but Mollee shook her head and forced me out of the bunk and into the bathroom
“Just take a shower. We’ll take today one step at a time. You can
shower” She said as I nodded and did like she asked. I was a zombie getting
dressed and Mollee had to pull articles of clothing away from me more than once
as I tried to put them on backwards or inside out
“Ok. Come on” She said taking one hand as Sophie took the other
“I can’t. I can’t see him. I can’t do this” I said dragging my feet as
the two of them marched me out of the bus and across the parking lot. My heart
began to accelerate rapidly as we approached the door and it swung open. The
first face I saw was Howie’s as he took point in front of my own little escort
to my usual corner where I put on my dance shoes. Mollee did all the work as
Brian joined us and took my hand
“I’m here for you today. You’ll make it through this” He said kissing
my hand and meeting my eyes. A single tear fell and he wiped it away quickly.
“Kat” I heard from across the dance floor and soon my eyes were filled
with tears as a sharp pain stabbed at my ribs
“Nick” I heard Mollee say and I felt rather than saw the tall blonde
approach Aj as he tried to get to me
“Not now bro. Give her time. She needs to get through this day. Not
now” Nick said blocking him from my view
“She needs to know. She needs to know what happened” I heard the voice
that sent me into near hysterics and Mollee pulled me close as I sobbed into
her shoulder
“Not now, later. Give her space” Nick said as Aj sighed and sent words
my way
“Kat I’m sorry. I love you” And then he turned and sat in the opposite
corner as Mollee tried to dry my eyes and get me presentable for rehearsal.
“Review today, everyone up, we’re running PDA” Fly said as he marched into the
room. I had to do this. I had support. I could do this. Brian took my hand and
Mollee wiped the last of the tears away from my cheeks and I used all the
energy I had to move with Brian to our positions. I don’t know if Fly was very
oblivious or if he knew something was going on but knew better than to draw
attention to it, but either way he ran rehearsal as usual. Aj kept his word to
Nick and let me be though I certainly felt his eyes on me at multiple times
during the rehearsal. Brian’s hand barely left mine and many times he pulled my
face to his to look me square in the eyes and tell me how strong I was or how
well I was doing. As PDA played
and we neared the portion where I had a few body rolls with Aj I felt my
stomach enter the general vicinity of my throat. The steps approached and time
slowed down as I looked with fear at Brian and he sent me waves of strength. I
got to Aj, looked determinedly over his left shoulder and executed the move
like it was nothing more than a simple ball change. I scurried to the next
position with Brian and he received me like a long lost friend and time sped
back up again. “There’s a lot of marking going on this morning guys, let’s step
it up”
“You’re fine” Brian whispered in my ear as I took Fly’s words to heart.
I was better than this. I wasn’t the girl who let a guy get to her this way.
Perhaps if I had taken the time to look in Aj’s direction then I would have
noticed how Camie and he were dancing as if the other were not even present.
They did not touch unless they had to and when they had to, it was without
emotion and they never met each other’s eyes. The morning crept on as we
continued our review and finally by 11:30 Fly had had enough.
“Alright, Aj you’re staying with me, the rest of you get some lunch and
find some energy. There is no event today so I’m keeping you for the afternoon.
I don’t know what is going on and I don’t care, just fix it and come back in
here ready to work in an hour” Fly said angrily as Mollee, Brian and Nick
rushed to my side, helped me change my shoes and got some food from the buffet.
“You did really well, I really proud of you” Mollee whispered to me as
I sat and considered the bagel in front of me “Come on, eat up”
“Not hungry” I said quietly as I wrapped my arms around my stomach and
pushed as hard as I could. I wasn’t certain this day was real. I wasn’t certain
I was real. I needed to feel something.
“Stop that” Mollee said prying my hands loose from my sides and pulling
my plate closer to me “Eat”
“Molls I can’t” I said with what little fight I had in me. I met her
eyes and I saw the concern there but I couldn’t bring myself to address it. I
couldn’t feel bad for making my sister worry, I couldn’t feel hungry even
though I hadn’t eaten anything today, I couldn’t feel guilty for making Fly
angry at the group and I couldn’t bear to replay the moments that had been
running through my head all day even one more time.
“Ok. It’s Ok. Just try a bite for me please? You need some fuel” She pleaded
ripping off a piece of bagel and handing it to me. I noticed quite suddenly
that everyone except Aj and Camie were sitting at the table with us and they
were all silently watching my breakdown.
“Am I better than TV?” I asked in what I hoped was a joking tone but no
one laughed. I ate the piece of bagel and swallowed it feeling nothing but
emptiness as Mollee sighed
“You’re allowed to be upset. Everyone thinks that, right guys?” Mollee
prompted as everyone eagerly jumped in with affirmations.
“I just need to get something from my bunk” I said quickly as the wave
of sadness threatened to overtake me again prompted by the kind words from my
friends. I tried to stand and Mollee was right on my tail but I held out my
hand “I can do it. I love you but I can do it myself. Eat”
“Are you sure?” She asked searching my eyes
“Yes. And stop looking for blue. Today is going to be a grey day” I
said as she sighed again and gave my hand a little squeeze before allowing me
to march off. I took a deep breath and reveled in the alone time I had just scored.
Of course now that I had made up the excuse to go to my bunk I had to go and
figure out something to bring back that I might need. I felt a little light
headed as I walked, probably a result of the not eating, but I decided to focus
on the slight dizziness as a positive. At least it wasn’t misery. I went to
open the door to the bus and stood there pulling on it like an idiot for at
least ten minutes before I realized that the reason it wouldn’t open was
because there was something stuck in the handle. I pulled at it and recognized
at once that it was a piece of paper and I unraveled it quickly. I closed my
eyes tightly and then squinted, prepared to drop the paper if I saw Aj’s untidy
scrawl but instead I saw a masterpiece. It was an intricate drawing of a
ballerina in a dance studio. She looked remarkably real and it hit me as I took
in her features that it was me. Everything from the curl in my hair to the
scuff on my point shoes was drawn in intricate detail. It took my breath away
and I looked around to see who might have dropped it there. No one was nearby
so I glanced back at the paper and found the clue I was looking for in the
bottom left corner.
“Don’t be freaked out. I’ve just had this image in my head for weeks
now and had to get it on paper” I read out loud before taking in the word
hastily scribbled beneath the sentence. Josh. The smallest shadow of a smile
crossed my lips as I took the paper and brought it to my bunk. I grabbed my
ipod and headed back in the direction of the studio again, my head swirling
with the old images from last night and the new thoughts of Josh. I was so lost
in my thoughts that I nearly ran into Fly before I registered that he was
calling my name.
“Sorry” He said quickly as I steadied myself and met his eyes
“I was in my own world, my fault, what’s up?” I asked quickly looking
away as I felt his eyes probe mine for some piece of information.
“I need a favor. It doesn’t seem like a big one but I’m thinking now it
might be” Fly said still searching
“Anything, what do you need?” I asked quickly hoping to get this over
with before lunch was over so I could have a few more minutes to sort out my
thoughts before returning to the hell that was becoming today’s rehearsal.
“Well Camie and Aj don’t seem to be able to dance together anymore. I
don’t know what happened but Aj is refusing to work with her. Normally I’d just
fire her and find someone else but she already knows the dances and we’re
pressed for time. So I was thinking she could just switch partners with someone
else. It would be a lot less work for me and would only put us a day behind as
opposed to the week it would take to teach everything to someone new” Fly said
quickly but with a business air. I couldn’t understand what he was saying
because my head was so full already it was about to burst. My heart reacted to
some conclusion my head had not yet drawn as it started beating rapidly.
“Ok…”
“Well Mollee and Sophie are too tall to dance with Aj-” Fly started as
the world shifted around me. Surely this was a joke, a cruel and awful joke.
“You want me to partner with him?” I asked quietly as Fly registered my
hurt
“You know what? Forget it, we’ll find someone new” He said quickly and
started to walk away but I stopped him
“Wait. If it’s for the better of the tour, I’ll do it” I heard the
words out of my mouth before I could quite catch up with them. What was I
doing? I could hardly look at the guy, let alone dance with him. This is not
going to work.
“Are you sure? You’re my top dancer, if this will hold you back then
it’s not worth it. I just thought that you would be able to handle it if anyone
could” Fly said as I shook my head, stopping his unnecessary compliment.
“I’m sure. I’ll see you in there” I said quickly, needing time now more
than ever to think. I crept around to the back of the rehearsal studio and took
a deep breath. This is so typical Kat. When life is beating you down, take
another blow to the head. Why was I always making things harder for myself? How
was I going to dance with Aj to This
is Us? What about the sexual moves in PDA? What the hell was I thinking? I
leaned back into the wall of the rehearsal studio and let my weight drag me
down so I was sitting with my knees tucked in front of me. I rested my head on
them and felt more than saw a figure sit next to me. I glanced up and saw that
it was Howie and he just took one of my hands and held it. We sat there in
silence as my thoughts spun in circles. How could he have slept with her? It
could not have actually happened. But it did, I saw it. He is scum. No he’s not
he’s the only real love I’ve ever known. What is love anyway? It’s only caused
me intense pain. How was I going to dance with him? What was Josh playing at
leaving me drawings? Did he know what happened last night? Was he moving in?
Did that bother me? Howie must have seen that it was time for rehearsal again
but instead of talking he just squeezed my hand and stood, helping me along
with him. As we walked into the studio he hushed people as they tried to
approach me and in my emotional state I was so filled with gratitude for his
perfect handling of the situation that I started to silently cry. He noticed
and met my eyes with a concerned look and I shook my head.
“You’re being so wonderful Howie, I don’t know how to thank you” I
whispered as he gave me a sad smile
“Just get through this. I’ve been where you are and I know it’s
impossible to see but it will get better. And until then I’ll be right here” He
said kissing my cheek. I slipped on my jazz shoes and then looked uncertainly
at Brian. Did he know? Did Aj? I glanced at Camie and she was calculating the
same way I was about who to stand with. She must know. Fly came in and quickly
got everyone’s attention.
“Alright everyone there’s a small change of plans. Brian is now dancing
with Camie and Kat is dancing with Aj so this afternoon we-” Fly started but
was stopped by a sudden wave of protest from everyone in the room.
“Fly that’s not what I meant…” I heard from Aj
“This is not going to work” Brian said quickly
“Fly I need to speak with you now” Mollee was starting while trying to
pull him aside
“I don’t think this is the best idea right now” Howie said from my
side. I barely registered everyone else’s arguments before I’d had enough
“HEY!” I yelled and everyone stopped talking immediately “Fly asked me
to do him a favor and I’m going to do what is best for the tour. It’s my
decision. It has been made. Let’s move on”
“Kat you don’t have to do-” Mollee started but I stopped her with a
look
“It’s done, let’s just dance” I said firmly as Mollee shook her head. I
could feel the waves of pity as they washed over me from everyone in the room
and I just prayed that the seconds until Fly took control again would move with
some speed.
“Ok, so as I was saying we’ll be using the afternoon to run the pattern
changes to make sure the girls know what they are doing. This only puts us an
afternoon behind so let’s stay focused and hopefully we will be able to catch
up for lost time tomorrow” Fly said quickly as everyone moved into position for
the start of the show. I moved in the direction of where Aj stood and tried my
hardest to block him out. I needed to pretend he was any other dancer. For Fly,
for the tour, I needed to be able to dance with him without hurting myself.
This would take some creativity.
“This is not what I wanted. I want more than anything to make things
easier for you, not harder” I heard from my left where he must be standing. I
held up a hand to stop his explanation without looking at him and then clenched
that hand into a fist before dropping it back to my side. It was the most I
could do right now. I might be able to get through this if I didn’t have to
talk to him. The music was cued and we came out for PDA. The first time I looked at Aj I
was a little taken back and I missed a step but I gave myself a little mental
shove and worked out that if I looked right at his left ear it still seemed
like we were connecting without the pain in my chest becoming unbearable. At
least he had the decency not to approach me in any of the dances more than what
was strictly necessary and he didn’t try to talk to me again. Finally, after
hours and days and years of rehearsal it was five and Fly was getting ready to
let us go.
“Alright everyone, good job today. I know it’s tough but we’ll get
through this and put on a fantastic show. Camie, Brian, Aj and Kat if you could
meet either after rehearsal today or early tomorrow to run your stuff once
through just as partners to solidify the changes that would be wonderful so we
can move on as we had planned. Goodnight everyone, see you tomorrow” Everyone
started moving at hyper speed as I slowly took in the words Fly had said. I
vaguely realized that Aj was still standing with me in the middle of the room
while everyone else was scattering and then Mollee was at my elbow.
“Come on Kat, we’re going” She said as I shook my head
“We need to stay. Fly asked us to and I don’t want to have to do it
tomorrow. I’m here now. Let’s just get this over with” I said to Mollee even
though it was directed at Aj. Mollee scanned my eyes and was apparently not
pleased with what she saw but she conceded nonetheless.
“You’re a masochist” She said to me and then shifted her attention to
Aj “I’ll be right outside the studio waiting. If I hear anything that indicates
my sister is in pain I’ll be back in here in a flash and you will not be happy”
She walked out and I watched the door close slowly behind her. As it clicked
shut I became acutely aware of being alone in a room with Aj for the first time
since I had witnessed him in bed with Camie. The air was suddenly thicker than
water and I had to use a lot more energy than usual to draw it into my lungs.
His presence next to me became the only center of gravity in the room and I
felt disoriented, like I was being pulled towards him even though everything in
me wanted to move away. My heart sank like it weighed a ton while my stomach
floated uncomfortably in the direction of my head as if it had no weight at
all. This place that was once so safe and so joyous had become foreign just as
this man that had once been everything to me was now a complete stranger. All
of this registered in a mere second of watching the door close and I almost
broke down right there. To counter the feeling I ripped my feet from the floor
and forced them in the direction of my ipod and started shuffling through the
songs, willing myself to focus on the illuminated words instead of the man
standing a few feet away.
“I guess we’ll just start from the beginning” I said quietly, more to
center myself than anything else, before pressing play. PDA started and I hit the first move
hard with renewed focus and as I had been trained (and completely without
thinking) I looked directly into Aj’s eyes. My world stopped abruptly and the
momentum building from a day of intense struggle seemed to propel me right off
of it. Those eyes that had once been my heaven were so filled with hurt and I
could feel the very fabric that made me who I was becoming undone. Suddenly the
world was moving at hyper speed but it had left me behind. I tried to force my
mind to catch up to it but everything just came crashing in on me. I fell hard
and had to use all of my energy to stifle the sob building in my chest. The
last thing I needed was Mollee in here. I was clutching my sides until they
ached and focusing on my breathing but nothing was helping me keep a grip on
myself. Suddenly his face was in front of me and his voice was tentative but
kind.
“Hey you’re ok. Kat please don’t do this” He whispered trying to figure
out what to do to keep me from a complete breakdown but not overstep his
boundaries “Kat I need you to listen to me. I know I have no right to ask you
for anything but I’m asking anyway. Please just listen”
“Fine” I whispered with the little voice I could find. My ipod played
on but I could barely hear it as Aj’s voice drifted into my ears and I stared
hard at the floor to keep my cool.
“I’m an alcoholic” He started which jolted me. That was not where I
thought this was going “When I drink, I get drunk. I have no control. And when
someone enables me and continues to force drinks upon me, I have no way of
saying no”
“Is this going somewhere?” I whispered harshly. I was in no mood to
play games and talk about things that weren’t relevant
“Last night when you sent me to Camie, she convinced me to drink and
drink a lot. Because there is no way I would ever think of hurting you, ever
touch her, unless I was not me” He said as my chest constricted and my breaths
became uneven and rapid.
“Yet you weren’t too drunk to manage putting your penis in-” I started
and then stopped at the painful image that flashed in my head
“Kat I know it’s impossible for you to understand but I need you to
know that nothing but large amounts of alcohol would ever make me hurt you.
Nothing but being out of my mind would make me even think of another girl over
you. I love you with all of my heart and I know I don’t deserve any slack from
you but I thought you should know. You deserve to know” He said as his voiced
cracked on the last word. I’d never heard that happen to him so I looked up
before I could stop myself and was met with his tear stained face. It was too
much for me. It had been a trying day and now he was crying. I couldn’t do
this. I got up and pulled my iPod from the speakers and jammed my flip flops on
before hurrying out of the room. Mollee caught up with me right as my sobs
overtook me as I approached the bus and she caught me as the last of my
strength left my body. In the middle of the lot, in my sister’s arms, I let all
my hurt pour out through my tears. I couldn’t stop my sobbing and I was having
trouble breathing but I held onto Mollee tightly.
“Ok. It’s over babe. It’s over” I heard from above me as I felt a hand
on my back. I didn’t need to look up to know that it was Howie, being perfect,
doing exactly what I needed. I released my grip on Mollee and she looked up at
Howie helplessly as he picked me up and brought me past my bus out towards the
beach. “The water helps me focus maybe it’ll do you some good”
Howie carried me slowly over to the
beach and I concentrated on his heartbeat. It was something pure, something
apart from me and my own ridiculous drama and so it calmed me. By the time we
found a good spot on the sand to sit my sobbing had stopped and my breathing
paced back to normal. Only the tears that still spilled out of my eyes remained
to represent the intense pain pounding in my heart. Howie placed me down on the
sand and then sat behind me, allowing me to settle back into his chest. Mollee
sat next to us and took my hand as I gazed out into the waves. We sat in
silence for a while just watching nature's ebb and flow until Mollee spoke up.
"Kat, what are we going to do?
I can't do another day like today and I know you can't either. It was very
noble of you to agree to switch partners but I'm worried about you" She
said quietly as I sighed.
"What can I do? I've already
committed to this. You know me I can't go back on that kind of promise. Plus if
I don't do it Camie will lose her job -" I started as Mollee dropped my
hand in surprise
"Why are you even considering
her feelings in this Kat? Where was her consideration when she was screwing
your boyfriend, when she was handing him drink after drink so he'd forget all
about you?" Mollee asked and the truth in her words stung me a little
"How'd you know about
that?" I asked quietly as I felt Howie tense
"I eavesdropped. I wanted to
make sure you'd be ok" Mollee said unapologetically taking my hand again
and stroking it lightly with her fingers
"So that's what happened. She
made him drink" Howie said quietly
"I hardly think you can make
someone drink" I said coldly as I felt Howie shake his head
"You don't know what he’s like,
what he’s been through. Aj is an addict and he's still only just getting a
handle on things. If someone were persistent enough he wouldn't be able to stop
himself" Howie explained
"Are you sticking up for him?
Are you excusing his behavior?" Mollee asked quickly and I could feel the
maternal side of her churn as she displayed her need to vilify anyone who would
cause me this amount of pain
"No, I'm not excusing it. It
just makes sense now. You know as well as I do that Aj feels very deeply for
Kat and it was beyond me why he'd throw that away. Now I understand" Howie
said slowly, not rising to Mollee's bate. His serene calm in all tense
situations was the most amazing quality. I snuggled back into his chest,
willing some of his rational thinking to enter into my own consciousness but I
guess I was still too hurt. We fell silent again, each alone in our own
thoughts as we were joined by Brian.
"Hey" He said slowly
taking my free hand and meeting my bloodshot eyes
"Hey" I said as I watched
sadness play across his face
"I missed dancing with you
today. But more than that I miss your smile" He said quietly as my heart
throbbed uncomfortably.
"I'd give just about anything
to be dancing with you. And smiling" I said with a wince as he kissed my
hand lightly and settled in on the other side of Howie and I. The silence grew
with the shadows as day slowly gave way to night. Before long Sophie had eased
herself on the other side of Brian and Nick had joined us and pulled Mollee
onto his lap. I felt her relax a little at his presence and my stomach clenched
as I remembered that feeling of comfort Aj had given me. I turned away to hide
the pain that I'm sure was visible on my face but Nick caught my chin and
brought it to his eye level. He searched my eyes for a long moment before
sighing and dropping his hand to Mollee's. The message was clear. He had been
looking to see if I was getting through this and what he had found was more
pain. I felt a twinge of guilt as I took in the people sitting around me, most
of whom hardly knew me, but all of whom cared so deeply about me. I had to find
some way through this, not just for me but for them. I had to shake myself out
of this. Then it hit me "Is the studio still open?"
"I’d assume so, why?" Nick
answered as I stood up. I shook a little at first but I regained my strength
quickly as I focused on my idea
"You guys want to dance?"
I asked with a small smile, my heart warming just at the sound of the word that
up until I had met a certain Aj McLean had represented all I really needed in
life. Mollee smiled at me, catching on.
"I've got some amazing
choreography I'd love to try out with some professional dancers" Mollee
said joining me
"I'm game" Howie said as
he stood and shook the sand from his clothes
"Only if I get to partner with
you" Brian said with a big grin as I nodded and he wiped my face dry of
the few remaining tears that glistened on my cheek.
"Let's do it" Nick agreed
and led the way to the studio. We snuck quietly around the busses and into the
studio, making sure all the blinds were shut before turning on the lights. I'm
sure no one would actually give us trouble for being in the studio after hours
but it was more fun to pretend that we were breaking major rules by being out
here.
“Shall we warm up our way?” Mollee asked with a
wicked grin that I tried to return
“I don’t know if they’re ready for that” I joked
“Why, how do you all warm up?” Nick asked as I
rolled my eyes
“Well now we HAVE to show you” Mollee said dragging
me to the middle of the floor and then running off to set her ipod up. I heard
the beat start in of La Roux’s "Bulletproof" and I let a small
half laugh escape from my lips.
“Did
you choose my best song because you’re feeling sorry for me? Because I won’t do
this if you’re going to hold back” I warned her as she grinned at my teasing. I
could feel the warmth begin to return to my body as the music flowed through me
“I
chose this song because I thought it was poignant. And I never hold back little
sis” She said, all business and I backed up
“You
first” I said offering her the floor and she jumped in right as the words
started.
“Been
there, done that messed around, I'm having fun, don't put me down. I'll never
let you sweep me off my feet. I won't let you in again. The messages I tried to
send my information's just not going in” Mollee sang with the music as she
brought her A game. Since Mollee and I were little girls we were always dancing
off and it became our traditional warm up if we had a studio to ourselves to
mess around in. She started with a simple arms forward variation on an energy ball
and then fell back on the beat of “around” only to catch herself and move into
a hip roll. It wrapped into a funky Egyptian looking pose and she developed it
right into kick that reached her ear (her specialty) then lay out and swept one
leg under the other, giving the illusion of falling for “sweep me off my feet.”
Then she landed in a plank and rolled her body seductively up while winking at
Nick then exploding into a star turn before handing the floor off to me.
“Nice
sis” I said as everyone clapped, all very impressed with her skills. I waited
through the chorus for the lyrics I wanted and then jumped right in.
“Good
luck” Mollee challenged right before I started, eliciting a grin.
“Tick,
tick, tick, tick on the watch and life's too short for me to stop. Oh baby,
your time is running out. I won't let you turn around and tell me now I'm much
too proud. All you do is fill me up with doubt” I sang with the lyrics while I
danced. As always I counted on lyrics to help put feeling into my dances which
is what I knew my strength was. I had an excess of feeling today so I really
let it rip. I jumped right in with a hard and fast pop and lock combo to match
the staccato wording which got everyone cheering and on “out” I swept into a
quadruple spin in coupe that opened up to a layout. Then I really went all in
with leaps, starting with alternating tilt jumps into a switch leap and then a
loop. I landed that, gave my own body roll and did a fake faint into a reverse
plank, lowered my body down and kicked up for “doubt.” Mollee rushed over and
we worked off of each other for the chorus, doing variations on matrix bullet
dodges, Mollee emphasizing her flexibility, me my leaps. When the chorus began
to repeat and break down we got everyone involved just dancing crazy, some of
us being more risky than others and we all struck ending poses as the music
stopped.
“Is
this really what you do on your time off?” We all heard from the door as I
whipped around to see a smiling Josh
“Hey!
Josh!” I said giving him a hug. I was feeling much better after dancing but any
remaining anxiety I had vanished when I saw Josh
“Hey”
Everyone said vaguely familiar with the guy who I was seen hanging around with in
my spare time
“I
just wanted to see if you got my picture or if you had a restraining order put
on me for sketching you dancing” Josh joked as I smiled
“No
restraining order yet. It was beautiful, thank you” I said with a small blush.
The life was slowly returning to my heart and while it was still very much
wounded, it was showing signs of improvement as it beat passionately enough to
bring a blush to my cheeks
“You’re
welcome” He said smiling a little himself
“Want
to dance with us?” I asked excitedly as Mollee nodded in agreement after seeing
the effect his presence was having on my mood.
“I
don’t know, I’m more the build and tamper with wires sort, not the bust a move
sort” He said doing a lame fake break dance when he said ‘bust a move.’ I
giggled a little
“Come
on” I took his hand and pulled him to the middle of our circle as Mollee cued
up the music. “Just Dance” by Lady Gaga started and we all went crazy. I showed
off a bit for Josh and he spent most of the time laughing at his own silly
white boy dances. The dance party continued for about an hour longer until
Howie turned the ipod off.
“We
have a whole day of dancing tomorrow and Fly will be really angry if we’re all
too exhausted to function” Howie said in response to our groans. I was
reluctant to leave the excitement of our dance party as I could already feel my
sadness creeping back in so I walked everyone back to their buses until it was
just Sophie, Mollee, Josh and I approaching our bus. I saw a figure leaning
against it and I knew without looking who would be waiting for me.
“Molls”
I whispered to her in warning as she squinted in the darkness to make out Aj’s
outline.
“I’ll
take care of it” She said marching ahead of us as I turned to Josh
“Thanks
for making a fool out of yourself with us” I said as he grinned
“It
was fun. I think I was more fool than you guys but I was happy to hang out.
Expect a picture soon” He said with a little wave as he walked in the direction
of the many hotels that lined the beach. Sophie took my arm as we continued our
walk towards the bus. I could see that Mollee was still arguing with Aj so I
hesitated and Sophie took advantage of it to whisper to me.
“He’s
really hurting. I’m not saying that he deserves sympathy, especially from you,
but I talked with him after rehearsal and he is really torn apart. Maybe you could
just hear him out?” Sophie’s heart was the biggest I’d ever encountered. I
decided to take a page from her book and show some compassion for the hard day
Aj must have had as well. I squeezed her hand in thanks and tapped Mollee’s
shoulder as we got level with her.
“You
aren’t talking to him” She said swiftly, knowing it was me.
“You
don’t control her Mollee she can make her own decisions” Aj said in a
frustrated tone as a look of shock came across my face. Did he really just talk
back to my sister?
“Watch
it” She spat at him and then turned to me “Do you want to talk to him?”
“Yes”
I said and her jaw dropped
“Kat…”
She said with pain evident in her eyes as she calculated the possible
consequences of my actions
“You
said it yourself that I need to find some way to make sure every day isn’t like
today. I can’t dance party my way out of this, even though I had a blast” I
said and a small grin played at her lips “Maybe we should talk this out a
little more”
“Last
time you tried to talk this out you nearly broke down” She whispered to me but
not low enough so that Aj couldn’t hear. I saw him wince out of the corner of
my eye and it made my decision for me.
“I
need to do it Molls. Rip off the band aid. It’ll hurt but it’s better than
torturing myself by working on it in slow, small sections for a week” I reasoned
and she sighed
“Please
be careful” She said kissing my forehead and heading into the bus. I took a
second as I watched her leave to gather all the happiness I’d been able to
cultivate during the dance party and place it in the empty space in my heart. I
let it warm me as I remembered Nick’s flushed face as we competed in break
dancing, Howie’s moon walking skills, Sophie’s ridiculous 80s dance, Brian’s
hand stands that ended in complete chaos and my sister’s face as she watched
the life come back into my eyes. I took an extra second for Josh and the
feeling of peace he gave me as someone outside the crazy dancing tour life we
had going and then I faced Aj. He had the hollow look I recognized in myself
from this morning and it hit me how lonely his day must have been. Sophie said
she had spoken with him but the guys must be furious about his drinking last
night. Who did he have to warm his heart? Who held his hand all day to make
sure that he got through it? Who sat with him quietly while he thought over his
options?
“I
have no idea what to say” He broke down sinking slowly to the ground and
covering his face with his hands “I’ve been trying all day to think of
something and I just can’t”
“Aj”
I said compassionately sitting next to him but with enough space between us
that we weren’t touching. I could only be so saintly right now. Just as the
thought crossed my mind he leaned in and recklessly kissed me. The pain flared
up in my chest and I pulled away from him quickly standing back up and taking
in his terrified look.
“I’m
so sorry. That was stupid. What is wrong with me?” He asked breaking into sobs
again. I took a few seconds to compose myself and then sat across from him.
“You should leave me alone. I don’t even trust myself anymore. Just get as far
away from me as you can”
“I’m
not running. Am I running?” I asked echoing one of our first conversations. It
seemed to strike a chord with him and he sniffed a little and met my eyes. I
felt a flash of pain and then pity as I took in his confusion. He was so lost.
Not only had he betrayed me but he had gotten drunk. His sobriety was at risk.
“Now if you promise not to try to kiss me, I’ll talk to you”
“Ok”
He said quietly, seeming to not be able to believe that I was willing to sit
here with him. To be honest I couldn’t quite believe it myself.
“What
happened last night is unforgivable” I said taking a pause to fight back the
images that threatened to come into my consciousness for the millionth time
today “And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust you again”
“I
know” He whispered
“But
I believe that you would not have done it if you had been sober. I believe that
Camie had a lot to do with it and that you weren’t just acting on your own
desires” The conclusion I had drawn in the hours of looking at those waves in
Howie’s arms spilled from my lips before I could even really understand them.
“I
would never hurt you if I could help it Kat. I swear” He said meeting my eyes
carefully
“But
I am really hurt by this Aj” I said fighting back the tears that were building
in the corners of my eyes. I can’t believe I could still cry after this long
day of sobbing. “And I’m trying hard to understand something I can never really
comprehend because I’m not an alcoholic and I don’t have those kinds of excuses
for the things I do. I can’t grasp the idea of eradicating all the blame for
such a terrible indiscretion simply because some Jack Daniels is thrown into
the mix”
“I
don’t want forgiveness. I don’t deserve it” He said quietly as I sighed. He
needed more compassion than I had right now. This day was just not going to get
easier.
“You
made a mistake” I attempted again “And it’s not ok, but it doesn’t erase all
the wonderful things about you. This person you become when you drink does not
erase the sober person I fell in love with”
“Kat,
how can you say that? How can you think anything good about me after what I
did?” He asked. He was so lost. I wanted more than anything to hug him but I
knew I needed to keep a safe distance to protect both of us.
“Aj
you are a good man” I said as he looked away
“A
good man would never do what I did to someone as perfect as you”
“Aj”
I said again and he met my eyes “You are a good man”
“How
can I live with myself?” He whispered but a little less convinced than he had
been. I cautiously took his hand and after a moment of stealing strength that I
was sure I didn’t actually have I was able to look back into his eyes.
“You
can do this. Look in your heart. You are a good man” I said and the tears
finally slowed their descent on his cheeks. “Now we need to make a few new
rules for ourselves if we’re going to be able to move past this”
“Ok”
He said quietly as I watched some strength return to his eyes
“It
may take me a while to talk to you like this again. Tomorrow may come and this
sadness may turn to anger. I’m not a perfect person and this is likely to
happen. But I need you to remember what I said tonight ok?” I asked “What did I
say?”
“I’m
a good man” He echoed as I squeezed his hand
“Great.
Now I don’t think we can really hang out outside of work anymore. At least not
for a while” I amended as panic screamed across his face “And in the studio we
need to act like professionals. I’ll dance with as much passion as I’ve got but
it’ll just be dancing. I’ll expect the same from you”
“It’s
going to hard” He said as I nodded
“It’s
going to be excruciating. But I think it’ll be the best in the end. I think if
we stick to that plan then we will slowly be able to move on. We may even
become the best dancers on that stage” I said with a small smile that he returned
“Of
course we will be” He whispered and I saw some warmth creep in. I didn’t know
how much longer I could do this, just sit here and talk so intimately with him
so I let go of his hand and stood up.
“I’ll
be patient with you if you can be patient with me. We’re both hurting. This
will take time” I said as he stood up as well
“Ok.
I will. I’ll be ok” He said as I searched his eyes
“Me
too” I said turning to go into the bus
“Kat,
one more thing” He called as I turned back to him with the door cracked open “I
still love you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop doing that”
“Me
too” I whispered and my voice cracked and the tears returned as the fatigue
from the day and from the conversation caught up with me. I was acutely aware
that I had not yet eaten anything and I forced myself into the bus and
collapsed on the couch. Mollee was there with a slice of pizza and a coke. She
always knew.
“Eat.
Now” She commanded as I took a bite of pizza. She put her arm around me and
watched me chew
“How
was that?” I asked knowing it was pointless to pretend she hadn’t been
listening, especially when I felt the breeze from the open window behind my
head
“You
were saintly and so much more than he deserved. You’re a better person than I
am, that’s for sure Booger” She said as I smiled a little and slowly ate my way
through three pieces of pizza.
“I’m
going to try to sleep” I said through a yawn. I knew it was going to be hard
but I would be a complete mess tomorrow if I didn’t at least try. Today had
been exhausting.
“Want
me to sleep with you tonight?” She asked following me into the clothes room and
changing with me into pajamas.
“I
think I’ll be better off by myself. I need to do this. I need to get over him”
I said determinedly as she ran her fingers lovingly through my hair
“Don’t
push yourself too hard. You’ve been exceptional today. Maybe tonight you should
give yourself a rest and be immature. Eat some ice cream. Burn some pictures.
What’s that?” She asked coming even to my bunk with me and noticing Josh’s
rolled up picture on my bed. I handed it to her and she smiled.
“Well would you
look at that that”
“What?”
I asked
“It
seems that Aj might not be your only romantic option on this tour” She said
coyly as I sighed
“If
I’m even capable of being in a relationship after this it will be a miracle” I
said as she kissed my forehead. I rolled into bed and Mollee shut the curtain
for me. Suddenly the bunk felt very big and very cold. I was regretting not
having Mollee sleep in here with me. I got under all the blankets and almost
crushed the picture while doing so. I smoothed it out and propped it next to my
head. I focused on the lines and details drawn with such care. Maybe Mollee was
right. Maybe Josh was something I could look forward to in my future. It would
be something less intense but something more normal. It could be something that
wouldn’t hurt so badly. And there it was again, the heart breaking, breath
stealing and tear inducing pain. I focused on the picture, yearning for
anything that might distract me from the pain. Ever so slowly I drifted into a
half sleep. Every few hours a dream would shake me awake and I’d end up
sobbing. Once I knew I woke up Mollee but mercifully she didn’t come into my
bunk to investigate. As stupid as it was the only thing that gave me some
comfort throughout the night was the knowledge that across the lot there was a
man in a bus feeling just as much pain as I was.
