Chapter
13
I woke up quickly to find myself on
the floor next to Mollee’s bunk. I stared hard at the ceiling, trying to orient
myself as my breathing gradually slowed to something more manageable. Apparently in my thrashing as I dreamed I had rolled out of
my top bunk. I sat up slowly, feeling a dull pain in my neck but taking comfort
in the fact that nothing seemed to be broken or seriously wrong. Ten fingers
and ten toes as we always said. Through my squinted morning eyes I could see
that it was only just becoming light out and I groaned a little. Why couldn’t I
just get a good night’s sleep? Certainly my life would be easier to figure out
if I could only get 8 or 9 hours just once. Of course now that I was up there
was no way I was going back to bed so I carefully got up and stretched my sore
muscles (half from the fall this morning and half from so much time spent
climbing lighting equipment) before heading into the clothes room and throwing
on the first danceable things I saw. I gathered my unruly hair into a pony
tail, grabbed some dark sunglasses to hide the circles under my eyes and headed
out, taking a deep breath of the fresh morning air rolling in over the ocean. I
decided for once that dancing was not something I needed to do with my body
already screaming at me from a few days of over exertion and no sleep so I
headed out to the sand and sat down facing the ocean watching the sun peak up
over the horizon. I sat there spacing out until I felt a body plop down next to
me. I looked over carefully and smiled a little as my heart swelled.
“Good morning” Aj said tiredly
through a yawn
“Morning” I said sweeping my hair
nervously back behind my ear as the breeze blew it out of place
“I have to say I’m normally a sunglasses
person but it’s a crime on you” Aj said casually as I focused back on the sun,
more to keep myself from falling prey to the heightened feelings I always got
around him than anything else
“Maybe I don’t want you to know what
I’m thinking” I said quietly as he sighed
“I don’t doubt that” He answered
leaning back on his hands and letting his head fall back between his shoulder
blades so he was looking straight up at the sky “I wish I could get some sleep”
“I hear you” I said through a yawn
“It seems that I’m no good at
sleeping unless you’re there” He said and I stared ahead with more intensity,
determined to do my best to ignore his comment
“I just wish I could stop dreaming”
I dodged “I woke up on the floor today because I’d fallen out of my bunk from
flailing through a dream where I was falling. My neck is not happy”
“Let me help” He said sliding behind
me before I could stop him and placing his hands on my shoulders. His touch
sent shivers down my spine but as he started to slowly rub my neck it felt too
good on my sore muscles for me to do much more than let out a slight moan. I
heard Aj snicker and I rolled my eyes
“I hate you. But it feels so good” I
said as I let my head drop between my knees
“You don’t hate me. You wish you
could but I’m so damn cute” He joked
“I would fight with you about that
but this feels amazing so I’ll hold my tongue. I promise that you’ll get yours
eventually” I mumbled as he let out a laugh. I smiled, unable to contain my
contentment at spending this moment with Aj. It didn’t erase what had happened
but it felt nice to just be able to be with him, like I was suddenly a little
closer to whole. A few minutes passed in silence and I felt my eyes begin to
droop “Ok, I’m going to fall asleep and then I’ll miss rehearsal if you keep
this up”
“You can sleep, I’ll wake you up in
time” He offered
“Tempting” I said groggily “But the
last thing I need is for Mollee to find me out here asleep on you”
“She really hates me, huh?” He asked
stopping the massage and sliding back in next to me so we were both facing the
ocean. His hand brushed mine and then settled near enough to it that our middle
and index fingers crossed. I hated to admit how much even that little bit of
contact thrilled me.
“No, I hate you. She just hates what
you did” I explained
“You don’t hate me”
“You keep saying that” I teased “And
yet”
“Oh come on. I messed up but you
still love me” He said as I glanced in his direction to see if he was serious.
His eyes were clouded over as he obviously fought to keep his face neutral
“It’s too early for this” I mumbled
shaking my head and focusing back on the sun
“Point proven” He said with a cocky
smile as I sighed. I couldn’t lie to him. What I felt for him was intense and
terrifying so it probably was love. But I also felt so much pain. And then
there was Josh. As if he read my thoughts Aj brought up another topic it was
too early to properly discuss “So when are you going to tell Josh that he’s
wasting his time?”
“Damn Aj just give it a rest” I said
with a big sigh
“It’s just not fair to him” Aj reasoned
and I took off my sunglasses to meet his eyes
“Aj I genuinely enjoy spending time
with the guy. I’m too hurt right now to even begin to think of starting
something serious with him and we all know whose fault that is” I started
“Maybe it’s not all bad if it keeps
you from him” Aj interrupted and I rolled my eyes
“He is just so much less complicated
then this” I said motioning to the two of us “He makes me smile and feel like
I’m capable and we move at a normal, healthy speed for a relationship”
“That sounds really exciting” Aj
said sarcastically and I started to get mad
“Well at least he hasn’t professed
his love to me only to turn around and cheat” I said angrily
“I recall once someone said that he
had nothing on me” Aj said ignoring my baiting to approach whatever point he
was trying to make “You may like him Kat, and God knows that annoys the crap
out of me, but what you have isn’t love. And it’s nothing to what we have”
“Had”
“Have” He said meeting my eyes. I
stared determinedly back at him as if it would prove that he was wrong and that
I wasn’t in love with him anymore but all it did was melt my resolve as I took
comfort in the depths of his soul shining through his chocolate eyes. Damn.
“He is good for me” I said
stubbornly and infuriatingly he laughed
“Come on Kat. Good for you? Is that
any way to live? With a guy who is good for you? What about passion? What about
danger? What about feeling so connected to someone that you’d swear they had
been a part of you all along? What about looking into someone’s eyes and
knowing that their soul is the mirror image of yours, a part of a perfect
whole? What about feeling fire and ice all at once in a single touch, being
destroyed and created all in one single kiss? You may choose safety but what
you want, what you long for, is passion, love. Me” Aj’s eyes were inches from
mine and his hot breath played on my lips. Every atom in my body strained to be
closer to him, to touch him, to do something but I was frozen. The moments
passed and my resolve slowly built again as I stood up and shook the sand from
my pants “I’m sorry if I’ve annoyed you but it had to be said”
“Well you’re right about one thing”
I said slowly as I met his gaze from where he still sat on the ground “I choose
him. And that is what matters” I took in his eyes as the confidence faded away
and pain took its place but I still turned and made my way slowly towards my
bus.
The next few days were a blur as we
frantically tried to match the technical aspects of the tour with our well
rehearsed stage show. Aj and I had warmed up to each other again before too
long but his words continued to echo in my head especially as he stepped up his
attempts at showing me how much we were still in love. I spent a lot of time
with Josh and while he was not oblivious to Aj’s actions he pretended as much when
we were together. Mollee still shot me looks filled with daggers whenever I
spent time with Aj and insisted on pushing me and Josh closer together but
after I’d set him straight he hadn’t attempted to kiss me again. And I was ok
with that.
It seemed like only a minute had
gone by when we were packing up our belongings and heading to the airport to
board our plane to Portugal for our first official show. We would be getting
our tour buses back once we got to England but for these first two shows we were
living out of hotel rooms and suitcases. Nervous was not the appropriate word
for what I was feeling. Neither was excited. It was as if the butterflies that
normally lived in my stomach for these occasions had mutated in my extreme
anxiety and sprouted extra legs and claws and sharp teeth that bit into my
core. My knee shook as I sat alone in the airport by the window, staring at the
plane we were waiting to board. Mollee had moved over to Nick after trying and
failing to calm me, Howie was curled up half asleep on a chair, Brian was
talking excitedly to his son on the phone, Camie and Sophie were playing a
heated game of war with a stolen deck of cards and Aj was nowhere to be found.
Correction, Aj was easily found as he slid next to me and nudged my shoulder
“Are you going to make it?” He
teased as I reminded myself to breathe and those stomach dragons took a swipe
at my lower abdomen
“We perform tonight. TONIGHT” I said
urgently as Aj tried and failed to hide his grin
“It’s going to be so much fun, just wait”
He said as I leaned my head on his shoulder. In love or not no one could calm
me quite like Aj.
“I’m going to mess everything up.
Everyone will be perfect and you will be stuck with a partner who makes you
look like an idiot. Fly should just fire me now. Wait. You have that power,
don’t you? Fire me. Just fire me now. Please?” I pleaded as Aj shook his head
“You are absurd. We are the best
dancers out there and everyone knows it. I can’t wait for the fans to see it.
They are going to love you” He said as I gave him an ‘are you kidding me?’ look
and then resumed my stare out the window.
“The fans love you. There is no
reason any of them would show any pity towards a crappy dancer” I said
stubbornly as Aj laughed “What?”
“Nothing you’re just adorable. Come
on they’re calling our seats” Aj said taking my hand which sent a message to
those dragons in my stomach that it was time to breathe fire. I kept waiting
for the day his touch wouldn’t take my breath away and it just never came. How
obnoxious.
“So I’m sitting with you, am I?” I
asked playfully as he pulled me past the lady scanning tickets to our first
class seats
“Don’t be too flattered. I only do
it to see the look on your sister’s face. I think she may slap me again” He
said giddily and though I tried to give him a look of reprimand I had a lot of
trouble hiding my smile. Sure enough as Mollee filed in ahead of Nick and saw
Aj and I sitting side by side her eyes narrowed and she shot me that look of
death reserved just for my interactions with Aj.
“She won’t slap you she’ll slap me.
You’ve seen her work before” I said referring to the black eye she had given me
a month ago
“Well I mean if you WANT to move…”
Aj started and I smacked him in the arm
“Shut up” I said looking eagerly out
the window of the plane. Screw him for making me forget my nerves. I felt his
eyes on me and I turned to meet his stare. The sound dropped out from the world
and all I could see for a long moment were his strong shoulders and how the
tendons in them seemed to ripple every time he moved. It didn’t help that he
was constantly in wife beaters. Hopefully it would be colder in England.
“Hah has Mollee seen this seating
arrangement?” I heard in a familiar Kentucky drawl, jolting me out of my
thoughts
“Yeah look at her face. I think she
might explode” Aj answered happily as I sighed and gave Brian a look
“Come on, it’s a little funny” Brian
said as I cracked a small smile
“She’s just looking out for me.
She’s my sister” I explained for what I felt like was the hundredth time in the
past week. It was true that as I enacted my new plan to be friends with Aj
Mollee had begun to spin off into serious over-protective mode but she had been
through a lot with me and I couldn’t just stand by and let people make fun of
her, especially when it was out of love.
“And he’s your ex dance partner and
I’m the guy you refuse to admit you love. You don’t see us freaking out over
everything” Aj said acting much too cocky for someone on Mollee’s bad side
“You are very annoying” I said only
miffed enough by his comment to get out my ipod and plan on losing myself in
music to punish him but not enough to move out of the range of the calming
vibes he was able to send my way
“You two are my favorite exes” Brian
said with a sly smile before ducking as I threw my pillow at him. He ran off to
sit with Howie and I pouted as Aj retrieved my pillow from the isle. I went to
grab it and knocked my bag, which had been open in the great ipod search, on
the floor between our seats. I started scooping up makeup products and Aj
started to help before he came across a stack of papers that had been clipped
together. He just sat there staring at them, slowly turning the pages, until I
tracked down the rest of the contents of the bag and noticed with a pang of my
heart that they were missing.
“These are amazing” Aj said flipping
between the five or so pictures of me. I had become Josh’s favorite drawing
subject and while he only let me keep a few of the portraits he drew the ones I
did get were becoming some of my most prized possessions. There is nothing
better for your self esteem than hard proof of what you look like through the
eyes of someone who thinks very highly of you
“He’s very talented” I said
nonchalantly not knowing if Aj knew who the artist behind the portraits was. He
flipped to one of my favorites, me dancing in the empty dance studio with my
point shoes on, a serene calm playing in all of my features, when it seemed to dawn
on him who the only person who could have possibly drawn me in those specific
situations was.
“Ah” He said quickly brushing them
off on me as if they were nothing more than gum wrappers
“You keep those with
you wherever you go huh? A bit narcissistic if you ask me”
“It reminds me that I am worth
something. If someone sees me like this, then maybe it’s a reflection of at
least a tiny piece of who I am” I said noticing but not letting on the hurt
that had permeated his joke. The fact that I kept tokens from Josh so close to
my heart was sure to make him uncomfortable. In fact the only times Aj wavered
at all in his insistence of my love for him was when I was with Josh. He was
constantly taking advantage of situations like this one where Josh had a different
flight than us or was otherwise preoccupied. When something happened and Aj
knew there was no chance of Josh showing up he was always at my side insisting
we spend time together. My affection for Josh was growing and it became clear
that it really annoyed Aj
“I wish you could see yourself through
my eyes” Aj said quietly, still a little knocked off course by the presence of
Josh in this promised Josh-free time.
“I’m sure that I would be naked in
your bed. If I kept that picture with me then it would be narcissistic” I joked
as Aj shrugged
“Nope, you’d just be happy. Like you
were, I mean. Back when nothing stood between you and me. Back when there was
no pain. You have no idea how badly I wish I could take it all back and make it
that time again. I’m so scared it’s lost forever” Aj said bashfully not meeting
my eyes. In complete role reversal I slowly lifted his chin up until his eyes
looked into mine. The pain and fear there was almost too much to bear.
“Hey don’t go there. We are working
on this. We are working on forgiveness” I whispered as he nodded slowly.
“Maybe your sister is right. Maybe
you are too good for me. Maybe I’m just bringing you down-” Aj started
“My sister” I interrupted quickly
“knows a lot of things. But there is one thing she knows nothing about, and
that’s us. You are worth my time Aj otherwise I wouldn’t be sitting here with
you”
“Ok” Aj conceded though he was still
a much deflated version of his previous confidence. The plane moved along the
runway and as we took off I grabbed Aj’s hand. Our eyes met and it crossed my
mind that the vertigo from changing altitudes so quickly in a plane was nothing
to the gravity shifting that occurred when Aj and I really lost ourselves in
each other’s eyes. Once we were stable in the air I reclined my seat and closed
my eyes, suddenly exhausted from having been so nervous but now being so
comfortable. Aj followed suit and we drifted off to sleep together. I knew that
I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since I found Camie in bed with Aj but I
figured it was part of the healing process. It wasn’t until I had Aj so close
to me that I realized that it was the lack of proximity to him, the lack of
that feeling of calm he was able to give me without trying, that really
resulted in my poor sleeping habits. I fell into the deepest sleep I had been
in since that night and woke up to a flash of light.
“What?” I asked groggily and I saw
Brian standing in the isle holding out his phone
“You were so dang cute. I’m sorry”
Brian apologized without sounding sorry at all. He handed me his phone and I
looked at the picture. Somehow in our sleep Aj and I had curled so we were not
only facing each other but our foreheads were touching. If you looked at it the
right way with the bend in our heads and the mirrored curve in our bodies we
looked like a heart.
“This picture needs to not exist” I
said deleting it before Brian could get his hands on the phone
“Jerk” He said scanning his pictures
to see if I’d actually deleted it
“Sorry Bri” I said copying his lack
of sympathy. Brian walked away a little miffed and I settled down, determined
to sleep facing the window. There were many reasons that picture couldn’t exist
and Brian knew it. And yet even facing the window I managed a deep enough sleep
to not only ward off any disturbing dreams but also to sleep until we were
awoken because we were beginning our descent into Portugal. I brought my seat
back up and gave a shy smile to Aj who giggled at me
“Your hair” He started with
adoration in his eyes. I lifted my hand to my head and felt the bird’s nest
that comes from a good sleep
“Help me?” I asked handing him my
brush. There should be nothing sensual in brushing someone’s hair and yet the
sexual tension that hung in the background any time I was near Aj nearly
exploded as he slowly moved the brush through my tangles until the slight wave that
my hair naturally takes was restored. He handed the brush to me and I shook my
head a little. “Thanks”
“Any time” He said and meant it.
Finally we landed and rushed out of the plane to get into our undercover vans. I
turned my phone back on once we were settled in our seats (mine of course right
next to Aj) and saw I had missed a text
“Meet me at the arena as soon as you
can. I need help! Josh” I read out loud as Aj, nosey as ever, scoffed
“Someone is needy” He commented and
I smacked him lightly. Per Josh’s request as soon as we got to our hotel I left
Mollee with my stuff so she could bring it to the room we were sharing and
grabbed the first shuttle of staff going out towards the arena. I got there and
headed over to the largest pile of wires knowing Josh would be in there
somewhere
“Oh thank God” I heard before
looking up to see Josh directly above me but descending rapidly towards the
place I was standing. I took a step back to accommodate him as he jumped off
the scaffolding and landed with grace
“Impressive” I joked as Josh gave me
a hug “Stressed?”
“Oh, only really a lot. We’ve been
at this for a few hours but there was a delay with one plane that has half of
my guys on it so they won’t be here until a half hour before the show. I need
someone I can trust to help me. Please say you have time?” Josh said in one
breath
“Of course I have time for you. I
can help until they open the place up. Then I have to get ready” I said already
grabbing a harness and a helmet. Josh quickly ran through what needed to be
done and I could see why he was so stressed because it was a ton of work. We
got right on it and he loosened up a bit after a half hour had gone by and we
had demolished a good portion of his to-do list. About an hour and a half from
when I had arrived, an announcement went out that the VIP ticket holders were
being ushered in for sound check. I had heard that this was going on but had
forgotten until this moment when a group of about 50 people hurried to the
stage, which was hidden by a red curtain, and began to talk excitedly
“What’s this?” Josh asked quickly
“Sound check. The guys are going to
sing a few songs and then I think the fans get to meet the guys and get stuff
signed. Don’t worry, I can stay” I said answering the stress in his eyes. I was
hanging quite precariously trying to tighten a light to a pole when an eruption
of cheers almost knocked me into the crowd. I glanced over my shoulder once I
had caught my balance and my breath and saw the guys walking on stage. Brian
waved and started making goofy faces, Howie was all business fixing his earpiece
and Nick was hamming it up waving and blowing kisses but I was completely distracted
when Aj came on stage dressed in one of the more adorable outfits I’d ever
seen. He had a red and black checkered hooded zip up sweater over a white shirt
with a bright red baseball hat and fingerless black gloves. Add in the typical
washed jeans and black and white checkered converse and I was completely
enamored until Josh called to me.
“Hey Kat check the gobo on that
light by your left foot” He called shaking me from my open mouthed admiration.
I quickly focused on the job at hand as the guys, in their excitement, began
goofing off to the adoring crowd. Nick and Aj were taking turns trying to nut
each other while Brian did little jigs in the corner. Finally they started taking
requests and got through If I Knew Then
and Masquerade before I was able to
finally focus on my task and tune out the chaos beneath me. Since I was so
focused I barely noticed when the guys offered to sing a song off an old album
for a fan’s birthday. I only vaguely registered the beginning notes and Nick’s
voice as the poignant lyrics drifted up to me on the grid.
“Looking at your picture from when we first met. You gave me a smile that I could never forget and nothing I could do could protect me from you that night. Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind, the days they blend 'cause we stayed up all night. Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me” Nick sang and my heart sped up as it took in the lyrics my head was desperately trying to ignore. The chorus went by and I channeled my rising emotions into the bolt I was tightening. It was then, whether in response to my feeling his eyes on me or because we were so connected no matter how hard we tried not to be, that Aj and I met eyes and he sang directly to me.
“All the doors are closing, I'm trying to move ahead” Aj sang and then Josh caught up to me and seeing the beginnings of pain in my eyes put his hand lightly on my shoulder. Aj took that in and sang with enough emotion to stop my heart completely “And deep inside I wish it's me instead” I caught my breath in my chest and Aj continued “My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away”
“Kat maybe you should climb down” Josh said cautiously as the color drained from my face
“I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go. Some days I make it through and then there’re nights that never end. I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me but still I have to say I would do it all again. Just want you to know” drifted to me and a single tear fell slowly down my cheek. Josh wiped it away and gathered me in his arms
“It’s ok, you’re ok. Damn him, he shouldn’t do this to you, he should know better” I heard like a badly tuned radio from above me. The song ended and I took a deep breath and closed my eyes trying to gather my strength
“I should go” I said quietly as Josh nodded. I went to turn past him but he stopped me and put his hands on either side of my face. He looked deep into my eyes and then pressed his lips lightly to my forehead
“I’m sorry he does that to you. You deserve better” He whispered. I sighed, snuck past him without a word, and climbed quickly but carefully down the scaffolding until I could escape into the backstage area. I found the dancers’ dressing room and collapsed into my chair, grateful that the room was empty. Why was I fighting something so strong? It was terrifying but wouldn’t it be easier to just give in? Then there’s Josh who is always there for me and always comforting me. He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve to long after a girl who can never give him her whole heart even if she wants to. And I do. I do want to. I want to give him everything. But I can’t give him what isn’t mine. And my heart, though I hate to admit it, isn’t mine. It’s Aj’s.
“Kat, they want you on stage to run some things” A voice from one of the many stage hands drifted to me and I nodded, still lost in my thoughts, before making my way slowly in the direction of the stage. Mollee gave me a quick look which was all she needed to see to guess the gist of what had happened and ran over, looping her arm in mine and bringing me to the center of the now empty stage. I guess the guys had gone to do their meet and greet in another room leaving us with the nearly empty arena. I glanced up to where Josh had been and saw he had moved on too, maybe receiving the help he so desperately needed from his delayed staff
“Hello, anyone home?” I heard as I registered the hand in front of my face
“Sorry Sophie I’m here” I said softly as Sophie gave me a quick smile and I focused on Fly
“The guys will be in here in a second, they are just finishing up with their fans, but I wanted to check a few spacing issues quickly before you all run and get ready” He explained as I nodded and tried desperately to take in what he was saying. Now that I was calming down from the whole Aj surprise I was able to really take in the arena and how full of people it would soon be. I scanned the seats from the top of the stairs I had to walk down and felt myself get a little light headed as Fly started the music. It wasn’t the first time I had heard it through the speakers in a large space but this arena made the warehouse in Florida seem like a small shack. The words echoed off of the walls and back to us and I was acutely aware of how loud it was. Then my dancer instinct stepped in and propelled me onto the top step without my brain being quite caught up and before I knew it I was face down on the bottom of the steps.
“Oh my God. Oh my God Kat. KAT” I heard above me as I registered my position on the floor and realized what had just happened. I fell down the stairs. I literally just fell down the stairs. Embarrassment flooded my cheeks until they were tomato red and I tried to propel myself to a standing position but an outside force was keeping me down. I groggily took in the hand on my shoulder and identified it as Aj’s. When did he get here? “No don’t move yet. Fly went to get help, stay put”
“I’m fine. I just fell” I said and using the thought of all the attention that would come if I stayed on the floor as incentive, I propelled myself onto my feet even with Aj attempting to keep me down. Once I was standing the whole place wobbled and I felt my knee give an uncomfortable throb as I put weight on it
“You are completely absurd” I heard Mollee as she approached me trying to hide her deep concern with humor “You know that ‘break a leg’ is an expression, right?”
“Please don’t let Fly bring paramedics. I’m fine, really. Just a little shocked at going from all the way up there to all the way down here so quickly” I plead with my sister as she took in my state and discerned for herself whether or not to comply with my request
“Kat you should at least let them check you out” Aj said beside me but I didn’t let my eyes leave Mollee. She knew how I hated attention and she knew that if I was hurt I would tell her. I tried to convey that I was alright with all my might and finally she slowly nodded
“I’ll take care of it. Just watch that first step next time, ok Booger?” Mollee said with a small smirk and I nodded a little
“You’re just going to let her go unchecked? What kind of protective sister are you?” Aj asked and I saw Mollee turn slowly to him from her march in the direction of where Fly was headed
“Watch it McLean” She said harshly before turning back around. I couldn’t help but snicker and I saw Aj’s mouth twitch as he fought to stay angry and concerned. We probably could have made it through without laughing but Brian came over and put his hand on my shoulder.
“You just fell down the flipping stairs” He said and then burst into laughter. That was all anyone else needed as all our collected nerves pushed us into hysterical laughter. Thankfully Mollee had found Fly before he could call the paramedics and when he found us all in stitches, rolling on the floor with tears streaming down all our faces, he dismissed us to get ready with a parting eye roll. I shook myself off a bit and stretched out my muscles, checking that they were all in working order. When I felt like I had control over my body again I took a step back and ran through the leap sequence for Shape of my heart without a problem. Aj took my hand and led me backstage to the dressing rooms and I gave his hand a parting squeeze as I walked into the door labeled for the dancers. For the next hour I didn’t see Aj or any of the guys. I barely saw my sister and she was sitting right next to me. We had makeup and hair people working on us separately so when I wasn’t being prodded with eye liner or having my hair yanked out of my head I was finding any spare space that was out of the way to stretch in. Then it was off to wardrobe to find my first outfit and pre-place my other changes. I was only vaguely aware of the growing noise from the crowd as the arena filled and the pre-show music played. I marked through a few of the harder numbers before being ushered into a room to change into my outfit. It wasn’t until it was on me that I had time to look myself over in the full length mirror I was being forced in front of. I had on tight leather pants that fell just above my black dance shoes. The shirt was sleeveless, had a V-neck top and stopped just above my belly button with a black hood attached to the back.
“Damn” I heard behind me and I turned quickly almost falling right into Aj’s arms
“Back at you” I said taking in his outfit. He had on black jeans that were just tight enough to emphasize his sexy butt, a black v-neck t-shirt with a black fitted jacket over it and an adorable black fedora with a white stripe around the base of the brim that he had tilted artfully to the side. Of course he was accessorized to the nines with a checkered black and white tie and a white studded belt and I let my eyes take him in from head to toe a few times before I met his glance which had been racking my body in a similar way. I blushed a little and said modestly “You’ve seen this outfit before”
“Yeah but you’ve got the whole sexy, badass makeup and hair going on now and it was hot to begin with…” He gushed as I blushed deeper
“Ok enough” I said as I swept my hair out of my eyes and tried to stay focused. Suddenly something happened on stage that caused the audience to scream and my stomach dragons roared “Oh God”
“Hey, you’ll be great. No falling down the stairs this time, ok?” Aj said and I nodded, not trusting my stomach enough to open my mouth in this state of nerves as the crowd roared again
“Places in 15” I heard behind me as Aj grabbed my hand
“Come on gorgeous, it’s time to huddle up” Aj said as I nodded again and blindly followed him as he wove me through the backstage area to a section right behind the screen that we would all be entering from. I took in everyone as they approached looking incredibly attractive and in various states of nerves and excitement. Mollee eyed my hand in Aj’s but didn’t say anything as the excitement that radiated from her before any performance took prominence in her eyes. She grabbed my free hand and leaned in close to me
“Are you going to make it?” She whispered and I gulped. I wish people would stop asking me that “Deep breaths. This is going to be awesome”
“Easy for you to say” I mumbled back to her while focusing on my shoes to drown out the sound of the crowd
“Did we position the trampoline yet?” Brian asked from Aj’s other side
“Did we position the what?” I asked nervously as his face broke into a wide grin
“The trampoline, you know, in case you decide to nose dive off of the stairs it can bounce you back up into the choreography” He giggled and I glared at him
“Hysterical” I said pretending to be mad while silently thanking God for Brian and the distraction of his teasing
“How are you by the way?” Nick asked kindly from the other side of Mollee
“Ten fingers, ten toes” I said with a shrug as Nick smiled
“Ok guys, let’s do this thing” Howie said being the last to join the circle between Camie and Sophie. We bent our heads and Howie said a prayer for a good show and a thank you to God for getting us all here. Then we all put our hands in for a Backstreet cheer and went to our starting positions. It was suddenly very dark backstage and the only sounds I could make out were the screams of the crowd. Aj was messing with his earpiece and I watched his shoulder blades as they moved under his jacket, desperate for some distraction. He must have felt my stare because he turned abruptly to face me as the opening video sequence began to play.
“Are you ready to rock this?” He mouthed and I shrugged. He pulled his eyebrows together clearly making some tough decision as the seconds ticked by before he had to jump through the screen
“Aj” I warned as it seemed he might miss his entrance because of the focus he was giving to whatever was on his mind. He leaned in close to me and suddenly the world went silent. The only sound in my ears was the pounding of my heart as he got closer and closer to me
“Don’t fall” He whispered and before I could do anything he pressed his lips to mine. In complete shock and instinct I kissed him back with all the passion and lust that I kept bottled up on a daily basis around him and fireworks burst behind my closed eyelids. He pulled back just in time to jump for his entrance leaving me leaning slightly forward towards the slit in the screen he had just disappeared through. At first I had no room for any thoughts besides how amazing his lips felt on mine but as the seconds ticked by I slowly began to fill with anger. That bastard, he just took advantage of my weakened state to kiss me. That incredible bastard!
“Kat” I heard from a stage hand to my right. I looked quickly and she motioned to my hood reminding me to put it up before my entrance. I flipped it over my head and sent a seething glare through the screen to where I knew Aj was dancing. I hope he can feel it. I heard the cue for our entrance as Everybody ended and I snuck out on stage. In all my anger I had forgotten to be nervous which in retrospect seems to have been Aj’s plan. Not that the realization of that fact made what he had done any more acceptable. He took a step forward and pivoted upstage allowing him the opportunity to meet my eyes with a wicked smirk. I stepped hard into my turn away from him and I swear, even through all the noise from the music and the fans, I could hear him laughing. The music changed to We’ve got it goin’ on and I made my way carefully down the stairs before hitting the first dance sequence as Aj rapped. I glanced out over the crowd and the adrenaline surged through my body as I nailed every step. We were all in sync on stage, feeding off the crowd and each other. Brian sent me a wink as I passed him and Nick made a goofy happy face when I jumped into position behind him. We were trained for this. We were ready. And we were rocking it. We’ve got it goin’ on morphed seamlessly into PDA and I readied myself for some serious revenge as the dancers moved to the opposite side of the stage from the guys. When we came back together for the dance break I got in really close to Aj’s ear
“You’ll pay for that” I whispered as I spun behind him for the first set of sexual moves. I pulled out all the stops, sending all my energy into him as I flirted, teased, and grinded into his body. I heard him trip over a lyric as I did my job and set my jaw for the portion we would be facing each other for. He gave me a suggestive look and I sent one back with the gist of ‘you asked for it’ before turning abruptly away for our exit before their call and response section with the audience. Right as I turned something white whizzed by my ear and I heard Aj swear quietly behind me. I raced off stage and glanced back to see what could have possibly happened but all I saw were matching looks of confusion from everyone except Camie who was laughing.
“Did it hit him? I think it hit him!” She was saying more to herself than anyone else because Camie wasn’t exactly on anyone’s good side
“What happened?” I asked her without looking at her face. Every time I caught a glimpse of her hair I went into a spin of near panic and with all the adrenaline I had going now I could not afford the risk
“That was Brian’s shoe. Look” She giggled and I focused on the stage where Aj was trying desperately not to trip over a white shoe and Brian was dancing with a huge grin in his sock.
“Come on guys, we have to change” Sophie called as Camie and I turned at the same time and knocked against each other
“Sorry” She said quickly meeting my eyes
“Been waiting a long time to hear that” I said harshly before racing in front of her to where I had set my clothes. The rest of the show went by in a frantic blur. The shoe incident was the only hitch and everyone ran off stage in preparation for the Straight through my heart encore buzzing with energy. I did my little acting bit with Brian and relished in having him as a dance partner again even briefly as I had to switch with Camie as soon as Aj came on. After the song the guys introduced us and while all the other guys just yelled out each dancer’s name Aj had to try to embarrass me.
“And the best dancer you’ve ever seen, Kat!” He yelled and I sent him a look of death before doing a small leap sequence and running back to him for our bow. I squeezed his hand tighter than necessary and felt him tense a little as I dug his ring into his palm. Finally we all ran off stage and into our van which would take us back to the hotel.
“That was off the hook you guys!” Sophie exclaimed once we were on our way. The collective energy in the van was out of control and we all seemed to be vibrating from it
“Bri you almost hit me in the head with a shoe!” I giggled and he busted up laughing
“I know! I had to do the slow medley with one shoe on until Aj felt I deserved to get it back” Brian laughed and the van erupted with it. I could not wipe the smile off of my face even when Aj slipped his hand into mine from where he was sitting next to me. As everyone else chattered on about the show and what things did or did not go as planned Aj and I locked eyes.
“I knew you’d love it” He said quietly
“Ok you’re right, that was a lot of fun. I guess I was born to dance in a show” I admitted as he smirked
“I was talking about the kiss but the show was great too” He whispered as we pulled up to the hotel. Before I could answer he slipped out with his body guard leaving me with mixed feelings of anger and left over adrenaline. I cursed him under my breath and climbed out as Mollee caught up with me and babbled on about how awesome the show had been. She brought us to our room which I hadn’t yet seen and I could only escape her by insisting that I was stinking up the place and needed to shower.
I locked myself in the bathroom and put the water on as hot as it would go before stripping and stepping in. I closed my eyes and let the water scorch me as I tried to let go of all of the intense feelings I had from tonight. I eased out the pain of hearing Aj perform Just want you to know and the comfort of Josh’s arms on the grid. I slowly shook off the sexuality of PDA and the hilarity of watching Brian perform with one shoe on. I sighed and let go of the pang of hurt from interacting with Camie and hearing, even from offstage, the guys performing This is us. After about fifteen minutes I lathered up with soap and shampoo, washed my face free of makeup and walked out into the room with a towel around me to find Mollee had calmed a little as well. She brushed past me to shower herself and I changed into some grey shorts and a white tank top. I brushed my hair and looked intently into the mirror. The one feeling I couldn’t shake was written all over my face. The love I couldn’t escape for Aj and for his kiss. It was like the planets had re-aligned when our lips met and try as I might I couldn’t ease the desire I felt for more.
Shaking myself mentally I took the bucket for ice and headed down the hallway to fill it. I pushed the bucket into the machine and watched in a daze as it filled with little ice cubes. I went to pull it out and felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned and barely had time to register the eyes that crept so often into my dreams before his lips were on mine. He pushed me into the back wall by the vending machines so we were out of sight of the hallway and I dropped the container of ice as he hitched me up so I could wrap my legs around his waist while he pressed me against the wall. The ice scattered everywhere as my hands tore his wife beater in their urgency to feel his skin against mine once more and he answered by removing my shirt in a movement so swift I could barely register it. Suddenly his lips were moving along my jawbone and any inhibition I may have felt vanished as he grinded into me while nibbling lustily on the sensitive spot on my neck. I had to bite my lip hard to keep the moan from escaping me and I felt him begin to fiddle with the zipper of his pants. I kept waiting for the panic to take over or for some remnant of my past to creep into this scene and force it to end but it didn’t happen. He met my eyes intently as his pants hit the floor and his hands paused over my shorts. I don’t know if it was the adrenaline left over from the show or the excitement that I was not shaking in a panic attack on the floor but for once I let my instincts take over my brain and I slid my pants down as far as I could. With his eyes still locked on mine he entered me and it was all I could do to keep from screaming out his name as he thrust slowly at first and then with more urgency and lust as I arched my back against the wall. Everything in that moment became hyper sensitive. I could feel his every move, every touch, every contraction of his every muscle and every breath as it staggered out of his lungs. As we both got closer to climax he buried his head in my neck and tilted his lips to my ear.
“I love you Kat. I love you more than anything” And we both let go, shaking and sweating, pressed against one another. It was like I was floating high above the world and its limitations. Our hearts beat as one and a smile eased itself onto my lips as I shook my hair out and took a deep breath. He lowered me slowly down from where my legs had been locked around his waist and when I hit the floor the world came crashing back around me. It wasn’t panic but guilt that ravaged my body as I assembled myself in a complete blur. What was I doing? What the hell was I doing? He looked at me anxiously as I grabbed the ice box and attempted to leave him. Thoughts were beginning to come back into my head and I needed to escape because I didn’t like what they were saying. “Kat?” He asked helplessly and I ducked around him and all but sprinted back to my door. I pressed my ear against it and heard Mollee humming to herself. I couldn’t go in there in this state. I glanced down the hall in the opposite direction of where I knew Aj was standing and probably trying to figure out what to do about the shirt I had literally ripped off of his body when I saw a head of blonde hair peeking out from a door.
“Nick” I whispered and he turned to look at me. God knows what state I was in but whatever I looked like didn’t register in his face as he identified who had called him. Desperate, I ran to his room and forced myself in, closing the door behind us
“You ok?” Nick asked cautiously as I collapsed on the floor with my back pressed against his door
“I just did something really, incredibly stupid” I said with my head in my hands.
“Want to talk about it?” He asked kindly as I shook my head and felt him sit next to me “If it makes you feel better I think I heard it”
“You think you what?” I asked as extreme embarrassment flooded my body
“Um, it sounded like someone was doing some construction down the hall with a lot of banging?” He explained nervously
“Oh my God” I muttered as Nick smirked
“Hey it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. We all knew it would happen eventually. You guys are practically dating with all the time you spend up in the grid with him. You don’t have to be ashamed” Nick said as my stomach sank
“What are you talking about?” I asked with dread coursing through my veins with every pump from my heart
“You and Josh. So are you official or was this just an after show booty call?” Nick asked eagerly
“Nick” I stopped him “It wasn’t Josh”
“It wasn’t Josh?” He asked as his face filled with confusion “Who else could it have possibly been?”
“Who do you think?” I asked quietly and it all clicked into place in Nick’s eyes. He quickly looked down at the floor and I followed suit
“Wow” He said slowly
“Yeah” I answered and we both sat in stunned silence.
