Chapter 15

Chapter 15

I woke up in the morning to my alarm going off from my phone in my pocket. It sounded like the siren of a fire engine and I almost launched myself off of my bed in my efforts to quiet it.

“Good morning sunshine!” Mollee yelled happily jumping on my bed and giving me a hug

“Shush” I groaned rolling over away from the light that was streaming in through the crack in the curtain of my bunk

“Did you have fun last night?” She asked excitedly, unaware that the volume of her voice was going to be too loud unless she was whispering

“The bit I remember, sure” I said softly as she giggled

“Look at that! You had fun without a certain Backstreet Boy” Mollee bragged and I opened a tired eye at her

“I saw him as well. That, I remember” I said as she frowned

“Whatever. Tell me everything having to with Josh” She said as I shook my head

“It’ll have to wait until rehearsal. I need to wash off last night’s makeup and hair and try to get the stale whiskey taste out of my mouth before I can even think about talking to you” I said slowly attempting to roll out of the bunk

“Look out below!” Mollee yelled right next to my ear as I steadied myself next to my bunk

“Mollee if you scream again I’m throwing you out in the rain” I said becoming vaguely aware that at least a small portion of the pounding in my head was from the noisy rain on the roof of our little tin can of a home

“Fine grumpy, I’ll see you in the van” She said pretending to be mad but betraying her act with a smirk. I made my way slowly to the shower and did everything possible to wash the remnants of last night from my mind. I tried to focus on the good parts from yesterday like when Josh introduced me to a west end performer who had worked with Laurence Olivier or the toothless woman who had forced us to eat the sweetest cake I had ever tasted. With thoughts like these in the forefront of my mind I made my way to the clothes room and threw on some gauchos, a tank top, and my flip flops. I went to pick up my bright pink umbrella when my phone started ringing loudly and I scrambled to silence it before my head exploded. I looked at it like it had personally offended me to see that I had a new voice mail. I angrily turned the earpiece volume very low before playing message which ended up being a good thing because music drifted to me immediately. As the first words penetrated my hangover haze I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. It was clear what this was all about.

Here I am again
Waiting on the moment you decide
To leave me stranded on the edge of nowhere
I’ve been so close to you so many times
I feel like I could drown
I wish that I could fly away from here

But I’m still coming down
From the last time that you came around
In the starlight
Now I’m pulling to your gravity
Spinning helplessly
I’m falling through the night
Like a lonely satellite

We walked on Jupiter
Flew around the moon a time or two
Left a mark on every star we could find
but now I’m burning like a meteor
that never hits the ground
Wish that I could fly away from here…

Love is poisoning the atmosphere
It’s keeping everything unclear to me
something in your eyes never satisfies
I’m feeling so alone tonight

I sighed and grabbed my dance bag before running through the rain to the van waiting to take us to the stage in Newcastle for our clean up rehearsal. Apparently the busses had to take an alternate route because they were too big so to get the maximum amount of rehearsal time today we had to be shipped the short way in a van. Aj eyed me as I slid in next to Howie who looked up with surprise when I interrupted his fiddling on his phone by slumping in the seat next to him.

“You ok?” He asked cautiously as I nodded and pulled my sweater out from my bag and placed it over my face

“Hung over” Aj explained for me as I gave a “thumbs up” to indicate that he was right

“Beer is stronger here” Howie said helpfully and I let the sweater fall just enough so I could give him a look

“That is very helpful in retrospect” I whispered as Howie laughed a little and gave me a quick hug before returning to his phone

“So are you avoiding me again?” Aj asked quietly leaning over his seat to whisper in my ear once everyone was engaged in conversation or sleeping

“I don’t think my stomach would like any seat that isn’t in front” I explained quietly as he laughed a bit

“I guess it’s not always all about me” He joked sliding in on the other side of me now that he knew I wasn’t purposely avoiding him

“Occasionally” I sighed and then groaned as the van hit a pot hole or something and jostled my unsettled stomach

“Here” Aj said lifting up my sweater shield a little to hand me some saltines

“Thanks” I said and began to munch them slowly

“Water is helpful too” He said taking out his water bottle and handing it to my other hand

“It’s like you knew this was going to happen” I joked as he grinned

“Don’t forget how many times I’ve been drunk and then had to go to rehearsal the next day” He said bashfully as I met his eyes

“Don’t be embarrassed. You’re fighting something huge and genetic and you’re kicking its ass. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You can’t help your stuff any more than I can help having mood rings for eyes” I explained and a small smile came to Aj’s lips and bounced onto mine as well

“Sleep sweetheart. I’ll wake you when we get there” He said quietly and I nodded before resting my head on his shoulder and moving the sweater back over my eyes. I woke up to a strange whirring sound and a subtle pulsing that I couldn’t quite identify. I was groggy and unwilling to open my eyes so I took a few minutes in sleepy confusion before I felt something wet on my face and forced myself to lift a sliver of an eyelid

“What?” I asked groggily as more water hit my face

“Sorry if I woke you. It’s hard to carry someone and an umbrella all at once. We’ll be inside soon” Aj said sweetly as my brain began to speed up to the present. I was in Aj’s arms and he was attempting to transport me to the studio. Unfortunately the rain we had encountered in London was nothing short of a torrential downpour in Newcastle

“Why is it so wet?” I asked quietly as Aj smiled

“Why are you so cute?” He joked as I nuzzled into his chest and took a deep breath of his spicy scent. We got inside and Fly ordered us to get stretching without batting an eyelid at my place in Aj’s arms. Aj put me down carefully so I was sitting on the floor and then spread his legs into a straddle without letting his eyes leave me

“I feel awful” I moaned crawling to his exposed lap and draping myself over his legs so he couldn’t possibly stretch

“I’m sorry. Maybe you should stay sober with me from now on” He suggested with a small smile at my need to be somehow wrapped up in his arms at all times

“I think that would be wise” I said through a moan as Aj gathered me into his lap and began rocking me slowly

“Come on that’s adorable” Nick said elbowing Mollee so she would break her death stare on the PDA

“Hardly” She said harshly as he smiled

“Even when you’re unreasonable you’re my favorite person” He said and her expression softened a hair

“Alright everyone let’s go from the top” Fly announced as Aj helped me slowly to my feet and over to our starting position

“Aj I don’t think I’m going to be able to do this” I moaned as my stomach gave an uncomfortable pitch

“I’m right here. Lean on me if you have to” He said anxiously as I stared at the ground and tried to pretend that I wasn’t feeling as nauseous as I was. Aj ran through the opening and then I walked over to him and managed to get through the first half of PDA before I knew my stomach was no longer in my control. I covered my mouth with my hand and bolted right before the dance break for the nearest door (which was unfortunately the one that lead outside into the rain) and had barely made the threshold before my stomach emptied itself on the curb. I immediately felt hands sweeping my hair back from my face as I heaved again and a hand rubbing my back. After a few more minutes of retching I was able to take in my surroundings. Of course the hands on my back and holding my hair were full of rings meaning it could be only one person who had followed me into the rain

“You really don’t have to do that” I said weakly as Aj wiped my mouth tenderly with a tissue and threw it in the trash bin I had missed by a few feet

“Hey I’ve been here remember?” Aj said as I took a wobbly step away from the mess I made on the sidewalk (which was thankfully being washed quite quickly away into a storm drain and out of sight) and sat on the step leading to the studio only vaguely aware of how soaked I was becoming

“Fly must be livid” I groaned

“No I think he was just relieved that you made it outside” Aj giggled and I gave him a weak smile

“I think I can go back in” I said standing up and watching the water slosh around my feet “Oh crap, I’m soaked”

“I am too. This will take some creativity” He said as I contemplated my next move. As if on cue Mollee’s face appeared in the doorway

“Are you done making a fool out of yourself?” She asked, her harsh tone not matching her bemused expression

“Have any extra clothes?” I asked suppressing a shiver. She rolled her eyes and disappeared for a moment. Aj wrapped me in his arms and although he wasn’t much warmer than I was it seemed to help

“I have pants for you and Bri has something for him” Mollee said pointedly as Aj sighed in annoyance “But you better strip out there”

“For someone who hates us together you sure do like to put us in situations where we have to be half naked and in close proximity” Aj joked as I shot him a look and began removing articles of clothing. After I was out of my shirt and pants I stepped gingerly inside and slipped on Mollee’s shorts. Standing there in booty shorts and a drenched (but thankfully navy blue) sports bra left me feeling a little exposed but at least my body was feeling better. It seems the vomiting mixed with the cold rain shower had cured the last of my alcohol sickness and I happily took a few gulps of the water that Nick pushed at me

“Nice” I said with a smirk as Aj walked in with Brian’s jeans that were a bit short on him and no shirt. My eyes lingered over the remaining rain droplets as they ran down his shimmering chest to his 69 belly button tattoo and then I shook myself out of it and kneeled down to roll up the jeans so they looked like they were meant to be three quarter length as opposed to pants that were just too short. Fly spent no time making sure I was feeling better or that Aj could dance in his new ensemble before ordering us to pick it up from the entrance to PDA. The sexual dance was all kinds of charged as Aj and I grinded half naked and damp with each other. I was breathing heavily but definitely not feeling sick anymore by the end of our run and Fly let us go with parting comments of how impressed he was with our work and how he would miss us for the few weeks before he would come and brush up our show again. We said goodbyes and everyone eagerly made their way to their tour buses to shower and enjoy the night off but I hung back

“Going to dance some more?” Brian asked as I stretched a bit

“Yeah I’m still a little restless. Want to join me?” I asked as he shook his head

“I can’t keep up with you. And while Leigh has no problem with us dancing on stage I think she’d object to us getting close in that outfit” He joked as I slapped him lightly in the chest causing him to make a hurt face before running off

“Is it ok if I stay?” I heard from behind me and didn’t need to turn to guess who it was

“I owe you, of course you can stay” I said as Aj grabbed his sweat pants, which had dried since they weren’t as wet as my stuff had been, and offered them to me. I put them on and felt a little more comfortable then I had been parading around in tight dance shorts “Thanks”

“No problem” He said taking my hand and quickly kissing the back of it causing my heart to stutter

“What shall we dance to?” I asked trying to regain some sense of composure

“Let’s just put your ipod on shuffle and see what happens” He said grabbing it from my hand and plugging it in

“This could get embarrassing” I joked as warmth radiated through my body that had nothing to do with Aj’s dry sweat pants. As soon as he pressed play I flushed red as his album, which I had been blasting earlier, came on

“Good taste” Aj joked as the opening riff to Drive by love began to play. I made a face at him but grinned inwardly. I could dance the hell out of this song

“Super fly black hair swinging out everywhere. I touched you and my heart stopped. Now I know I'm totally fucked” Played and Aj ran out to the middle of the room with me. In the opening I let down my damp hair so I could spin and let it fly out playing out the lyrics with my moves. Then Aj came up to me and ran the back of his hand across my bare stomach, hitting a hard position with me on “heart stopped” and then spinning around and pressing me to him on “fucked.”  My dancer instinct was zoning in as was my chemistry with Aj which always intensified on the dance floor. We were completely in sync and enjoying it more than perhaps we should

“I'm gunna take you in my car, let you give me a ride. Tell me love, quick or slow, I'll let you decide. And if you get too serious I’ll tell you goodbye. Girl you better realize this ain't nothing but a drive by love” Played and Aj and I went at it. We grinded and explored our mutual bare flesh with each other’s hands. As the chorus picked up I had flashbacks to two nights ago when we had gone at it all night long. A longing deep in the pit of my stomach stirred and when I did a move that had me landing in a full split with my face in a compromising position I swear I heard Aj moan

“We went a little too fast. It threw me back on my ass. I can't believe I did this. Let it happen with just one kiss” Played and I took a few steps back. On “back on my ass” I did a spinning kick and Aj did a very impressive move into a skid across the floor. With the agility of even the best dancers I’d ever met he launched himself back at me so by the time the word “kiss” was played he was inches from my lips

“So tell me what you’d do if it happened to you? Would you wanna give it up or would you follow it through? And I fell in love and now I'm totally screwed. I guess I should've realized this is more than just a drive by love” played and we moved into some complicated footwork with our faces still inches apart. I was the first to break off into a pop and lock section with the chorus repeat and then when the Eastern sounding music came in with the girl voice I teased Aj more than was fair with a seductive belly dance in my sports bra and his sweat pants. He had almost forgotten we were both dancing by the time the chorus came back in again but once the song rolled to its ending section where the music all but cut out we were pressed close enough together that I could feel his heart beat against my chest. We finished the dance breathing heavily and staring intensely into each other's eyes. That familiar and disorienting feeling welcomed me as I lost myself in his eyes and the world slowed around me. I want him. I want him so bad it hurts.

"Kat, there you are!" I heard behind me and I turned quickly rubbing the tears from my eyes before they could properly form

"Josh! Hey!" I said running over to my ipod and switching it off before it could betray me with another song with poignant lyrics "When did you get here?"

"I just walked in. We are about to start loading in and I figured you'd be wrapping up in here so I wanted to try and catch you before I became engrossed in my work for the night. What are you wearing?" He asked without stopping to breathe so it took me a minute to register it all and answer the question

"I partied a little too hard with you last night and ended up in the rain... it's a long story" I said with a small blush at the memory of what a hot mess I had been

"I'll just leave you then" Aj said quietly brushing past me

"You don't have to-" I started

"I really do" He said just quiet enough that only I could hear. The pain in his voice was almost unbearable. Why did I always end up hurting him?

"Oh I'm sorry. You were in the middle of something. I can come back later or see you tomorrow" Josh started

"No man it's cool. Take care of her, ok? She should eat something substantial and have an early night" Aj said with pain still emanating from him in waves. What did I expect? Last night he had watched me kiss this guy and then after all day of taking care of me what did he have to show for it? Me running to Josh the moment he walked in as if Aj didn't exist. I was being horrible. He didn't deserve this. I turned quickly to try to stop Aj but all I saw was the sliver of light slip through the door before it shut loudly against the howling wind outside

"Did I just ruin everything?" Josh asked anxiously as I shook myself

"No it's ok I'm just not being very fair to him. I'm happy to see you though" I said and realized that it was true. That simple happiness that swept over my complicated life when Josh was around had begun to change into something else. I couldn't quite name it but seeing Josh was beginning to feel like coming home

"I'm beyond happy to see you. I'm ecstatic. I'm bouncing with it" Josh said with a huge grin that was contagious

"I'm glad you don't hate me after last night with my drunken hilarity and all" I said bashfully

"Hey you're always full of surprises. I love that about you. Oh and you forgot this" Josh handed me the flask he had bought on our date wrapped with care in a piece of cloth. I let it fall open and smiled at the reflection. It was me and I was glowing.

"Oh I forgot how awesome it was" I said with a grin before launching myself into Josh's arms. He was stunned for a moment and then happily gripped me back. His warmth was wonderful as I started to return to my chilled state and Josh noticed as I sighed in content

"Here" He said simply opening his jacket. I eagerly slid my arms into the holes with his and he zipped it up so we were glued facing each other "Now we should get you back to your bus and me back to work"

"How should we do that?" I asked with a giggle

"We'll figure it out" He said trying to take a step but throwing me off balance so I had to grip him tighter to stay upright

"This is going to be a disaster" I laughed as I tried to take a step and Josh tilted alarmingly to the right

"You say disaster. I say adventure" He said with a gleam in his eye and that lopsided smile I loved

"You're going to be so late-" I started but Josh shushed me

"Hey. Stop reasoning and start solving" He said and I laughed again at his wonderful childish nature. We giggled and tripped our way to the door before realizing all my stuff was across the room in a corner. After turning back we managed to get a rhythm going so that by the time we stepped out into the rain we were actually pretty functional

"We'd be awesome Siamese twins" I said with a laugh as Josh flipped up his hood to protect us both from the downpour

"The best" He agreed. We made our way to the bus and stood in the small shelter the doorway afforded. In order to stay dry I was pushed right up against the door and Josh was still getting dripped on

"Ok you need to let me out before you get soaked" I said, enjoying being sandwiched between a door and Josh's sculpted chest

"I kind of like it like this. No one can hurt you or make you get that tormented look on your face when I have you trapped here with me" He said as I frowned "That's the one!"

"Tormented?" I asked and Josh nodded

"Whenever I first see you it's like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Or like you're looking at a huge Greek exam but you've only studied Italian. It takes a few minutes but I can usually get it to go away. It would be nice to help you get rid of it all together" He explained

"I'm working on it" I said quietly and Josh nudged me with his chin. I giggled a bit and then met his gaze and slowly leaned into his kiss. It was warm and soft and lovely and it was with real reluctance that I pulled back

"Tomorrow after the show we are driving to Manchester. Can we do a movie date for the ride?" Josh asked 

"Meet me at my bus. We can have a sleepover" I said eagerly as Josh flashed me an evil smirk that reminded me so much of Aj's that my heart throbbed painfully in my chest

"You want to have a sleepover, huh?" He said as I took a deep breath to steady myself

"You'll be sleeping on the couch. But we can stay up and talk and I know Mollee is dying to find out all about you. It will be fun" I said 

"It sounds wonderful. There's only one problem" Josh said seriously as I frowned "It's too far away from now"

"I feel that" I said as Josh kissed me tenderly on the top of my head and then unzipped me into the cold air. He zipped himself back up before giving me a departing glace full of longing. I watched him go from the shelter of the bus steps. Once he was out of sight I turned and thought about going into the bus but then remembered Aj and his pain. I sighed and shivered at the mere thought of going out into the rain again but knowing what I needed to do I plunged back into the downpour and towards Aj’s bus. When I reached his bus I was soaked to the bone including the once dry pants that Aj had given me. I huddled under the lip of the roof of his bus and knocked at the door. It took a few attempts before I figured that he was either not there or ignoring me. I weighed my options. I could leave without seeing him and he could spend the night thinking that I had snubbed him after he had been so kind to me all day but I wouldn’t be tempted into any sexual action or brought to tears by feelings too confusing to face. On the other hand I could just barge in there and risk emotional turmoil but ensure that he at least heard me out and knew how grateful I was for his friendship even if we both knew it was more. There was no contest. I pushed open the door and stood in the entryway dripping onto the carpet that lined the living room area of his bus

“Aj!?” I yelled as a fresh wave of shivers over took me. I heard some shuffling in the direction of his room but no response “You can ignore me if you want but I know you’re in there and I need to talk to you”

“You’re harder to get rid of than a shadow” I heard from the stairs above me which caused me to jump about five feet in the air

“I need you to hear me out. I don’t like leaving things unsaid” I said as Aj descended the stairs with a notebook “Writing something?”

“Yes. Well speak then. I’m listening” He said hugging his notebook to his chest

“I wanted to say thank you for taking care of me today. You didn’t have to do that especially with the way I’ve been treating you” I said looking at my toes for the last part

“What can I say? I’m a glutton for punishment” He muttered as I sighed

“Aj-” I started but he stopped me with an angry look

“You know you should really think about not spending nights with one guy and days with another. People might think you’re playing games” He said harshly. I shivered both from my dampness and the coolness of his tone but he pretended to ignore it

“I deserve that” I said quietly. Silence fell in around us as I tried to organize my thoughts in my head. I think I love Aj. But I think I may be falling in love with Josh. A day without seeing Aj is a day wasted but when Josh isn’t around I’m somehow not completely at rest. Oh what am I doing?

“Can you go please? Unless you’re here to offer to give yourself fully and completely to me, please leave me alone” Aj pleaded and I heard the pain in his voice. I glanced at his eyes and saw the torment Josh had been trying to explain to me earlier

“Aj I don’t want to hurt you but I just love being around you. You’re such a wonderful person and my best friend-”

“Please Kat. Please. I can’t ask you to ignore me completely because my heart couldn’t bear that but please consider my feelings and just leave me alone right now” He pleaded and my heart broke

“I’m so sorry”

“For someone who spends so much of her time apologizing you’d think I could get her to accept an apology herself” Aj said angrily as I swallowed my retort and nodded. He was right. It was time I gave some thought to his feelings. I stripped off the sweatpants he had given me and folded them quietly while he watched and left them on his table before turning and leaving. I shut the door and leaned against it while taking a deep breath and willing myself to let this love go. A mere metal door away Aj was willing himself to do that same thing.

Chapter 14

Chapter 14

After a few hours of composing myself in Nick’s room I headed back to mine. I crept in quietly as Mollee had fallen asleep and tried my best to drown myself in the big comforter on the bed. As soon as I closed my eyes however, my brain assaulted me with visuals and details of the event that had unfolded. My fingers on his lower back as the muscles worked with his thrusts, his ragged breath in my ear, the feeling of him inside of me. It was inescapable and I slipped into an uneasy sleep filled with dreams of him.

I woke up the next morning groggy and not very rested to my phone vibrating. I picked it up quickly and saw two missed texts. One was from Aj – ‘we need to talk’ – and the other was from Josh requesting to hang out today. It was hard to tell which made my stomach drop into my feet with more intensity. I put down my phone and sat up, seeing my sister flipping through channels with Nick sitting next to her. Nick noticed I was awake first and I gave him a pleading glance hoping he hadn’t mentioned last night to anyone, especially not Mollee, and he returned my look with a slight shake of his head. I sighed in relief which caught Mollee’s attention and she gave me a smile

“Hey sleeping beauty did you have some interesting dreams last night?” She asked as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes

“Nothing that was particularly interesting. Why?” I asked hoping she wouldn’t see through me

“You woke me up half a dozen times with your talking. I was about to get Aj in here if you said his name one more time” She said stiffly as I blushed. Hopefully Mollee didn’t get the gist of what kinds of dreams I’d been having about Aj. I excused myself to the bathroom and turned on the lights a bit too quickly for my eyes to adjust. Feeling like some sort of creature from the night I squinted in the light as I turned towards my reflection in the mirror. As my eyes adjusted and my vision cleared I caught my breath in my throat. My neck was covered in bruises. I slowly lifted my shirt and saw similar marks on my hips though I could make out that those were a result of hands as opposed to lips. As I turned I tried to convince myself that the soreness in my lower extremities was from dancing full out last night but a voice deep in my head wouldn’t let me completely believe that. As I stood staring into the mirror in horror a small knock at the door nearly chased me out of my skin.

“Jesus you scared the crap out of me, what?” I asked opening the door a sliver to see Mollee looking vaguely annoyed

“Someone is here for you” She said sourly. Taking in her tone of voice it could only be one someone

“Tell him I’m indisposed” I said shutting the door quickly but not quickly enough to miss the look of appreciation Mollee gave at my decision to not jump to Aj’s every demand. If only she knew. I quickly got to work on my neck using every trick I’d learned from years of applying makeup for dance and general life to cover the marks Aj had left. I noticed then that my tank top was ripped and I cursed before grabbing a towel and wrapping it around me while throwing my shorts and tank top in the trash. I snuck into the room and found that Mollee was not there but Nick was

“Morning” He said shyly as I busied myself trying to find something to wear

“Hey” I answered back without looking at him

“About last night” He said slowly and I turned quickly to him

“I’m so sorry I brought you into that but I need you to keep it quiet. Please Nick? Please?” I pleaded as Nick sighed

“I thought you were going to say that. You know I don’t like keeping secrets, especially from friends. Especially from her” He said as I sighed

“And you know that I wouldn’t ask you to do it unless it was really important. Nick if this gets out…” I started and he put his hand lightly on my shoulder

“I know. You don’t need to worry about me. I’ve got your back” He said simply. I placed my hand over his and squeezed. Mollee came back in with a full bucket of ice and I turned quickly back to my suitcase

“If I were the jealous type this would really drive me crazy” Mollee joked as Nick and I gave half hearted smiles “You should see the vending area. It looks like someone took a crowbar to one of the walls. It’s a huge mess, there’s water everywhere and the ice machine won’t work so I had to go up two floors to find one”

“Is that so?” I asked meekly. I grabbed a light blue sun dress that had spaghetti straps and lace accents, a light scarf, sunglasses and a white bucket hat and hurried back into the bathroom

“She’s acting odd” Mollee commented as I swiftly shut the door and locked it

“I guess” Nick dismissed as Mollee rested in his arms and began eating ice cubes from the bucket. I threw my outfit together, confident that it was the right amount of covering without being obvious, and slipped on my flip flops. I grabbed my phone and made a hasty retreat from the room as Mollee sent a questioning look to my back. I dialed Josh’s number and he picked up on the first half of a ring

“Hey” I said quickly “Got your text, come meet me in the lobby?”

“Sure! Let me just get dressed. We can go mini golfing” He said excitedly and I allowed a small chuckle at his random nature to escape my lips. I stepped into the lobby and saw Aj there so I ducked behind a planter

“Just hurry because we have to leave at noon to get to Madrid and I want to have as much time in this beautiful weather as possible” I whispered and hung up before Josh could answer. I looked up to check where Aj was but I couldn’t find him in the chair he had been occupying a few seconds ago. I crept out from behind the planter and nearly jumped into the fountain in front of me when I heard my name

“Calm down it’s just me” Aj said as I spun around to meet his eyes

“What are you doing sneaking around like that? You scared me to death” I said angrily

“What are you doing hiding behind planters?” He asked with an arched eyebrow as I averted my eyes

“I’m not hiding. I’m waiting. Josh and I are going to play mini golf before we leave for Madrid” I said quickly sweeping the room hoping Josh would show up soon and save me from the awkward conversation that was about to happen

“Or you could come upstairs to my room with me…” Aj trailed off running his finger lightly up and down my arm

“Hey! Stop it!” I whispered harshly “You can’t just go around touching people!”

“You didn’t mind so much last night” He whispered seductively and I smacked him in the chest

“That never happened. You hear me? NEVER HAPPENED” I said hastily as the mischief in his eyes slowly became confusion

“What, do I embarrass you?” He asked hiding his hurt behind foe bravado as usual

“Alexander James-” I started but I heard my name from across the lobby

“Kat! Hey!” Josh called waving like an over-excited puppy

“I have to go” I said quickly trying to compose myself as I made my way across the lobby but Aj pressed his hand on my shoulder “Touching, again with the touching!”

“We have to talk about this” Aj said seriously while I tried to get away from his grip

“We really don’t” I said pulling away, grabbing Josh’s hand and nearly pulling his arm out of its socket as I dragged him out the front doors.

“Is he bothering you or something?” Josh asked once we were a safe distance from Aj walking down the main drag outside the hotel

“No. Not bothering. Why would you say that?” I asked nervously playing with the fringe on my scarf

“Just because that’s what he always does. It makes me feel protective like I should beat him up or something. Want me to talk to him?” Josh asked causing panic to race through my mind

“No. No I don’t think talking will help. Just stay away from him, ok? He might make up lies just to piss you off. No, just stay away. Far, far away” I chattered as Josh raised an eyebrow “Can we just not talk about him? I’m with you. I want to talk about you”

“Fair enough” He said with a nod. That’s one thing you could always count on Josh for. He’d never push you into talking about something you didn’t want to talk about “I have a question then”

“Sure” I said starting to allow my breathing and heartbeat to return to a normal speed

“I was wondering...” He started off nervously which caught my attention “If you’d like to go on a date with me”

“A date?” I asked barely able to register the beyond awful timing Josh had

“Yeah like a real one. I mean we hang out all the time but it’s always platonic and we’ve grown to be pretty close friends I think. If you’re up for it I’d like to take the next step” He said deliberately as if he’d practiced it in front of the mirror a few too many times. Immediately I began to think of ways to let him down without hurting him but then I stopped myself. Maybe this was a way to make sure that I stayed away from Aj. Maybe this was a way to protect my heart. Getting involved with Josh would help keep Aj at bay and allow me to get over him by being with a really genuine guy.

“You know I think I would love to go on a real date. Like something where I fuss over what to wear and you pick me up at eight and we stay out much too late. That sounds perfect” I said and watched the smile spread like wildfire across his face

“Ok, awesome. We get a few days off once we get to London before we head out to Newcastle. Do you want to go pub hopping with me tomorrow night?” He asked eagerly and I caught his contagious smile

“Sounds amazing” I said as he grinned

“One other thing” He added digging in his pockets. After a minute of searching he pulled out a small present wrapped in orange paper “Happy Halloween”

“It’s Halloween?” I asked thickly as he raised his eyebrows at me

“You’ve been working too hard. Here take it” He said and I held the little present in my hands. I carefully unwrapped it and found a little Tigger Pez dispenser

“This is amazing” I said happily pushing on the head to pop one of the sour candies in my mouth

“You remind me of Tigger. You’ve got endless energy and endless fun. Maybe a little clumsy but the best darn bouncer in the hundred acre wood” He explained as I blushed a bit

“That is really sweet. Thank you” I said kissing his cheek causing him to blush a bit too. I stuck the pez in my pocket and followed Josh to a mini golf course. I played a round with him beating me badly as I continuously shot my balls into any nearby body of water and had a genuinely good time. It helped erase the awkward stress I had been feeling since last night and helped solidify my new plan which included less Aj and more Josh. He walked me to the van that would be driving the guys and dancers the five hours to Madrid and I gave him a peck on the cheek before hopping in. As soon as he walked away I was faced with a challenge as a result of the stress I had been trying to escape. Everyone was in the van and as usual they had left me an open spot next to Aj. I glanced at him and saw he was feeling quite smug about the whole thing and then I looked over to Nick and Mollee.

“You ok?” Mollee asked catching my eye and my anxiety as only a sister can

“I just wanted to talk with you. Think Nick will hate me if I kick him out so I can spend some time with my favorite sister?” I asked laying it on thick. Lately she had been very stressed out by my budding independence and open defiance of her advice when it came to Aj and hearing me asking for her and needing her was too much for her to ignore

“I’m your only sister” She joked with a huge smile. Nick rolled his eyes and snuck past me causing me to momentarily sit next to Aj

“You can’t avoid me forever” Aj whispered in my ear as I turned to glare at him

“Watch me” I said sliding in next to Mollee. I rested my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes trying to release my stress and enjoy my sister. The thoughts spinning around my head, however, were making relaxing impossible. Why am I so angry with Aj? Am I even angry? No, it’s not anger. I’m terrified. I am not the girl who has sex next to a vending machine. I am not the girl who longs so strongly for a guy that I have no control over myself. I can’t be with Aj if he does these things to me. It’s like he’s turning me into someone I don’t even recognize. And I know at the very least that I don’t like that.

“Gosh you’re stressed” Mollee whispered as the van started rolling and everyone settled in for the drive “I found your pajamas in the trash. Did you need those?”

“No” I said sternly. I didn’t need any reminder of that night.

“Ok good because I left them at the hotel” She said wrapping her arm around me “So talk to me”

“I’m just confused. Josh asked me on a date. A real one” I began, trying to figure out how much I could tell Mollee to keep her feeling like I was sharing everything while not sharing the most important thing

“And you said?”

“Yes” I said absently running my hand over the Pez in my pocket

“Well I think it’s a good thing. You may not fall in love with the guy. You may not even like him at all but at least you’re trying to find something normal. He’s a good person” She reasoned as I squirmed. Aj had brought up those exact points a week ago but it wasn’t to push me into dating Josh. It was to prove how boring Josh would be to me especially after having had him.

“I’m a little worried” I sighed bringing my voice to a very low whisper “that maybe I’m in love with Aj and it’s scary so I’m running away to something safe just for the sake of it being safe. It’s no way to live and it’s not fair to Josh”

“Hey stop putting so much pressure on it. Lord knows I don’t get you and Aj. Maybe I never will. Maybe you’re meant for each other. But right now just have fun. Try Josh out” Mollee said and I sighed. She was right. Of course she was right.

“Ok” I said and she grinned, clearly happy to act in her role as older sister and give me the advice I needed. “How are you and Nick?”

“Fine” She said evasively and I took her face in my hands

“He’s good people” I said staring intently into her eyes

“I know” She whispered

“He won’t hurt you” I said seriously

“You can’t know that”

“It’s worth a shot. If I take a shot with Josh couldn’t you take one with Nick? You’re not marrying him you’re just agreeing to a trial run. Who knows what it will turn into?” I reasoned throwing her words back at her

“I don’t need a guy to get in the way of my dreams-” She started

“Molls look around. He IS your dream. You’re contracted to this tour for at least another year don’t you think this is just the time to take this chance?” I asked searching her eyes for the core of her resistance and hoping for both her and Nick’s sake that I could crack it

“When did you get so smart?” She asked as I laughed a little and dropped my hands

“I don’t know about smart but I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I suppose I’ve begun to learn from them” I reasoned while lying back down on her lap

“I miss you” She said quietly as a pang of guilt stabbed my stomach

“I think I’ll be here a lot more from now on” I said squeezing her hand and closing my eyes. There is really nothing like a good talk with the big sister to ease your mind. Of course the visions of last night were still fresh in my head so it was hard to completely relax but the knowledge that I may be able to finally bring Mollee and Nick together was enough to lull me into a light sleep. Before long we were in Madrid being hauled around the arena. We would be driving to the airport that night to take a quick flight to London where we would finally meet our buses. Even after only a few days I was eager for the comfort and familiarity of our little rolling home. Josh was nowhere to be found and Aj kept trying to corner me so I spent the hours leading up to the show in a state of near panic. Finally the guys were called to do sound check and I buried myself in my hair and makeup prep. I was able to finish up just as the guys came in and as soon as I saw Aj I ducked out of the room and found a corner in the remotest area of backstage to mark out some moves. I managed to stay off of everyone’s radar until we were called to the huddle and I squished myself in between Nick and Mollee

“What did you say to her?” Nick whispered excitedly as I shrugged

“What do you mean? Why?” I asked checking that Mollee was still deep in conversation with Sophie

“She agreed to be official. She’s my girlfriend. Mollee is my girlfriend!” He grinned as I smiled and gave him a hug

“Congrats and if you hurt her I’ll break your legs” I said as his smile grew and he squeezed my hand tightly while Howie led the prayer and cheer. We raced up to our starting positions and I fiddled with the zipper on my coat while Aj watched from his spot in front of me

“You are the most confusing girl in the world” He whispered to me as I focused determinedly on my zipper

“Try to kiss me again and I’ll break your nose” I said simply and his jaw dropped. Apparently I was into threatening people tonight. He turned around, still in shock, and jumped through the screen for his entrance. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Did he honestly believe that after last night we’d be back to normal? He was delusional. The show went well and Brian’s shoes stayed on. Every time Aj touched me a current ran through my body but I ignored it with ferocity which caused his mood to sour every time he noticed it. We ran out after bows and got in a van that brought us right to the airport for our flight and I sat in front with Brian while he checked in with Leigh and Bailey on the phone. The flight was short and I stuck with Brian until we reached the busses. I couldn’t help but grin as I saw the familiar tour bus. I ran up to it and attempted to hug it as Mollee laughed at me.

“It’s just a bus” She joked and I scowled

“It’s home” I said with a goofy grin and Mollee shrugged before going to Nick to say goodnight to him. I watched them out of the corner of my eye and when I saw him give her a goodnight kiss I couldn’t help but cat call. Mollee rolled her eyes but Nick laughed and gave me a departing wave. I watched him leave and then looked up at the sky. London was a big city but you could still see some killer stars. I took in a big gulp of the fresh night air and closed my eyes as my adrenaline slowly retreated. This was the way to unwind after a show. Not with some guy by a vending machine. I shook my head a bit to rid that last thought when I heard a small noise from behind the bus. I turned in time to see a hand grab my upper arm and without thinking I pulled back my fist and brought it square into face of the shadowy figure.

“Holy crap!” Aj yelled holding onto his nose as if he were scared it was going to fall off while I shook my hand out. Punching people always looked so fun until you tried it. Then it just hurt.

“You shouldn’t sneak up on people who have been through traumatic events. You never know how they’ll react. And it’s Halloween!” I said trying to stifle a laugh. I know I should feel badly about causing him pain but I couldn’t help but feel that he deserved it a little.

“What is it with you and your sister punching me in the face? I think you broke my nose!” He whined as I rolled my eyes

“Let me see” I said as he glared at me

“No”

“Aj don’t be a baby I’m not going to hurt you. I’m sorry I punched you but you freaked me out. It’s dark, we’re in a different country and I don’t like being grabbed. Plus I warned you that if you tried to kiss me that I would punch you” I reasoned as I bullied his hands away from his face to check out the damage. It might be a little sore but it wasn’t swelling and it certainly wasn’t broken

“I was just coming to talk to you. I had no plans to kiss you” Aj defended

“Recent events make it hard to believe that’s true” I retorted as Aj let out an exasperated sigh

“What do you want from me Kat? I miss you so much it hurts. You won’t forgive me for something I can’t possibly take back and I’ve apologized as much as I can. Last night was not one sided so you can just stop blaming me for every move that you make that doesn’t fit into the perfect picture of who you think you are” Aj yelled which got my blood boiling

“I was not the one to steal a kiss in a moment of weakness before a show. I was not the one who waited to ambush someone outside their hotel room. And I was certainly not the one who got me to tear down all my walls only to bulldoze right over my heart” I shouted back and Aj got right up in my face

“I said I was sorry Kat and I’m sick of apologizing. It takes two to do what we did last night so stop playing the victim” He attacked and I kept my face inches from his refusing to back down

“What do I have to say Aj? I don’t want you. Stay away from me” I growled softly

“Fine!” He yelled

“Great!” I yelled back. We stood there, inches apart, breathing heavily at each other and then something clicked. It was impossible to tell who made the first move but somehow our lips were pressed against each other as anger turned to lust. I slammed Aj against the back of the bus without breaking the kiss and he grabbed my thighs, pulling me up off the ground so he could carry me quickly to his bus. He kicked open the door and threw me onto the couch before turning to slide the lock shut. I flicked off the lights and we went at it like we hadn’t seen each other in years. Our passionate kisses turned into passionate sex on the couch and then on the floor and then in the shower and finally in the bed. When I rolled off of him after a few hours my high was fading and my actions were coming to the forefront of my mind.

“Are you running off?” Aj asked breathlessly as he tried to recover from our most recent bit of aerobic activity

“This can’t happen again” I said searching the dark room for my clothes “Can you hit the light?”

“Why are you leaving? You know you can stay. No one would know and you could just sleep next to me. I know you sleep better that way” Aj said tenderly before turning on the lights

“I have a date with Josh tomorrow and I hardly think it would be a good idea to spend the night before it with my ex” I said squinting and waiting for my eyes to adjust to the new lighting

“A little late for that I think” Aj said with a smirk “So this date. Is this the real thing? Is he going to take you to dinner and a movie? Pay for your ticket? Nervously kiss you on your doorstep?”

“Bite me” I said harshly as I located my underwear under the bed and began to put them on

“Don’t you think it’s funny that the whole time we were going out we couldn’t have sex but the moment you try to move on you have no problem with it? Not only no problem but you’re a damn marathon runner” Aj mused sitting up and stretching

“Hilarious” I said standing to begin the search for the rest of my clothes

“Sorry about those” Aj said finally being able to take in my entire body in the light

“What?” I asked absently following his nod to the new bruises on my thighs

“I guess I got a little carried away” He said with a hint of sadness in his voice that made me stand up and meet his eyes

“What is it?” I asked reluctantly taking in his deep chocolate brown eyes. I couldn’t stay locked in that gaze for long when I saw the beginnings of tears there

“Are you going to hate me again tomorrow?” He asked quietly

“Who knows what will happen tomorrow” I mumbled returning to the search for my sweat pants I had changed into after the show

“You know I came to you tonight to talk” He attempted as I finally located my shirt and pants and pulled them on before fixing my damp hair into a messy bun

“Well apparently I came to you tonight to fight and screw” I said as disgust washed over my body in an intense tidal wave of emotion

“What are we doing?” Aj asked as I tied my shoe

“I have no freaking idea” I said and to my horror my voice cracked. My knees gave out and a new wave of embarrassment and guilt caused my eyes to immediately tear. Aj jumped out of bed and attempted to hold me but I pushed him away “Don’t. Don’t touch me. You’re always touching me”

“Kat what the hell is going on with you?” Aj asked with real concern flooding his voice

“I’m weak and I need you” I whimpered as Aj stood looking just as confused as ever by my words

“So just be with me” He said slowly trying to get my attention without touching me

“I can’t. You’ll hurt me. I can’t get hurt again” I said sternly as he sighed

“Kat I’ll never do it again. I swear. I’ve said sorry and I don’t know what else to do” Aj said with desperation flooding his voice

“It’s not only that. Look at what I’m becoming! I’m not this girl. Oh God what am I doing?” I said softly and taking advantage of the weakness in Aj I flew past him out the door. He called my name but I didn’t stop until I was safe in my bunk. I squeezed my eyes shut willing the feelings and images from the last few hours to leave my consciousness and let me sleep. I tossed and turned a few times until I heard the crinkle of paper down by feet. I hastily grabbed whatever paper I had rolled on and straightened it out. It was the picture Josh had drawn of me up on the grid. Anger and shame pulsed through me as I took in the incredibly real details of my own face through the eyes of someone who thought the world of me. Who was that girl with the broad smile and carefree eyes up on the grid looking at a guy who adored her? Was that the girl who would have a secret rendezvous with an ex just to satisfy some primal need for sex the day before a date with a new guy? Was that the girl who would use an ex for sex when she knew he wanted so much more from her? Was that the girl who would treat the ex like shit until she got an itch she couldn’t scratch? No, that wasn’t that girl. I was that girl. Silent sobs shook my body as I tried to take in what I was becoming. This was the end of it. No more. Tomorrow began a new chapter with Josh and whatever monster I was becoming I would not turn into the thing that had hurt me the most: a cheater.

I woke up the next morning and took a long and cold shower. Today was a new day and I would start it off by getting rid of anything left over from last night. After letting the water wash my conscience clean I wrapped a towel around myself and grabbed my phone on the way to the clothes room. It had one missed text and one voice mail so I checked the text first.

“Call when you get up I want to take you out today as well if you don’t have plans” I read out loud. I smiled at Josh’s spontaneity and grabbed a short denim skirt that hugged my hips and some black lace leggings with my black rocker boots with the tall heel. Then I pulled on my flowing silver shimmery shirt that fell just at the waist line of the skirt and pulled on my black leather jacket. Then I let my wet hair fall and teased it a bit with some gel before doing some smoke themed makeup with bright red lips and sliding sunglasses on the top of my head.

“That’s hot” I heard from behind me as Mollee came in and smacked my ass “He’ll like that”

“Thanks” I said with a grin before calling Josh

“Get my text?” He asked picking up before I felt the phone could have possibly had the chance to ring

“I’m ready when you are” I said contemplating my rocker jewelry and finally letting Mollee choose a long silver chain necklace and a studded bracelet that matched my leather ring

“I’ll be there in a minute” He said quickly hanging up. I grinned a little and waved goodbye to Mollee while checking my voicemail. I had to turn the volume down on my phone because music began blasting from the message and even though the whole thing was a song it was clear who it was from.

Go, stop and go. I just hit static.
I used to read you loud and clear.
Not like this. It's so erratic
And I'm not rational when I see you around
Your inconsistent and you know it's dragging me down
You're so conflicted baby

You're always walking away
One step and everything's over
And you're running back to me
You say I let you down
Baby take me in or just take me out
I'm already dead, I already said I'm sorry

I've made mistakes, I've been an addict, a blind fanatic.

Don't you know you're not immune to the panic
When somebody turns on you
When the snow hits your skin the cold don't last forever
But you'll live it again if you don't let seasons change
How many times do I have to say it
Before you believe me

I’m already dead, I already said

I’m sorry

Aj’s voice drifted over those last words and echoed through my head. I shut my phone quickly when I heard a knock on the bus door and opened it to Josh. I tried to push the song out of my head as I watched him take me in with appreciation

“Geez if I knew you’d look this good I’d ask you out every day” He said quietly as I laughed

“Are you trying to say I don’t look good on an everyday basis?” I joked

“Of course you do. But now you look hot. And I get to take you out” He said with a grin as I smiled and he held the door for me to exit the bus. We walked past the other buses and I saw Aj’s eyes take us in through his front window. I took Josh’s hand in mine and watched the curtains rustle as he disappeared back into his bus.

“So where are you taking me?” I asked to clear my thoughts and focus on the guy I was with now instead of the one I’d been with last night

“Portobello Road” Josh sang in an uncanny imitation of Angela Lansbury in Bedknobs and Broomsticks

“Wait, that’s a real place?” I asked excitedly. I grew up on that movie and the dream of finding a bed that would take me wherever I wanted if I knew the right words to say

“It is! It’s a huge market with tons of cool stuff and I just got a bunch of money transferred to pounds and it’s burning a hole in my pocket so I’m going to take you to buy some sweet loot” He said with a huge grin. I took a deep breath and let out everything that had been going on. This thing I was doing, this fun and easy thing, this was the right thing. It had to be.

“You’ve already bought me a pez dispenser I don’t know what could be better” I joked

“It IS a hard act to follow but if we’re going to find a contender anywhere it’ll be on Portobello Road” He said squeezing my hand. Josh was very knowledgeable when it came to navigating London and I just tried not to lose him as we moved through the crowded tube system. He was easy to talk to and we chatted about nothing in particular as we approached the market.

“Wow” Was all I managed to get out when we approached the actual road. The street was crowded with people for as far as the eye could see and tents selling different merchandise checkered the sidewalks. From where I was standing I could see everything from fruit to jewelry to old 45s to clothing and everything in between. We began our descent into the masses and I ran excitedly from tent to tent getting completely swept away in the randomness of the place and its intrigue. Josh was not so much into shopping as meeting people so while I looked at merchandise he chatted up the vendors finding out their stories and introducing them to me as if they were old friends after about five minutes of conversation. He was just cool. There was really no other word to describe Josh except cool. After many hours of people, food and accessories it began to get dark and Josh figured we should contemplate dinner before embarking on the pub crawl.

“We should get some real food” Josh argued when I dragged my feet while he tried to steer me back to downtown London and away from the vendors

“But we’ve been eating all day and I want to look at more stuff and I’ll be a much cheaper date if you don’t feed me before we go to the bars” I argued with a pout

“You are impossible to say no to” Josh said with a smirk indicating he had given up and letting me run to another tent. This one had all silver engraved items and I had a good time messing around with a goblet that looked right out of Pirates of the Caribbean.

“Arrgg” I joked in my best pirate voice breaking Josh away from the flask he was looking at

“Come here crazy. Do you like this?” He asked as I returned the goblet and peaked over Josh’s shoulder to see what he was holding. It was a silver flask with a coat of arms meticulously detailed on it that made it look very rocker and old school. It was amazing

“How badass would this be in the pub?” I asked as Josh nodded

“I’m getting it for you” He said and before I could argue he had paid the vendor and taken my hand

“You didn’t have to do that” I said holding the flask close to my body

“I wanted to give you something to remember the day by” He said nervously as I grinned and stopped his walk down the road. The sun was setting and the wind was picking up a bit but my ease and happiness kept the cold from my mind

“Are you really that worried I’ll forget you?” I asked as he stared intently into my eyes

“I plan on making that impossible” He said with some confidence before bending and kissing me lightly on the nose. I smiled at the sweetness of the gesture and he threw his arm around my shoulder as we walked. We spent another hour at the market until things started closing down due to the dark and I finally let Josh steer me to the nearest tube station bound for the pubs. The funny thing about eating small things all day is that it really doesn’t do anything to help you hold your liquor. Or at least that’s what I found out after we had been at the first pub for about 15 minutes

“That was good!” I said loudly as Josh rolled his eyes

“I can’t believe you’re drunk already” He scolded with an endearing smile “I knew we should have gone to dinner”

“Drunk? Who’s drunk? Who wants another shot!?” I yelled and a few boys from the university that were sitting next to us cheered

“This one is from the gentlemen at the end of the bar” The bartender said sliding a dark drink towards me. I looked at a group of younger guys and waved flirtatiously before downing the drink and making a disgusted face

“Oh I think that was whisky” I slurred as Josh grabbed my hand and attempted to stand me up

“Ok you’re cut off” He said as I giggled a bit and stumbled

“If you say so boss” I said trying to reach my purse and stay upright at the same time. Suddenly someone turned the music up and Cowboy Casanova began to play “Oh wait! This is such a good song!”

“Kat I don’t know if you should dance…” Josh trailed off as I waved my hand dismissively at him and started to gyrate in his direction while singing with the words

“You better take it from me that boy is like a disease. You’re running, you’re trying, you’re trying to hide and you’re wondering why you can’t get free. He’s like a curse he’s like a drug. You get addicted to his love. You want to get out but he’s holding you down because you can’t live without one more touch” I sang seductively while grinding into a Josh who was trying to decide whether it was worth it to let me dance or if I’d hate him tomorrow for not stopping me

“Kat let’s just get out of here” He whispered in my ear with a laugh but I shook my head and hiked up my skirt a bit so I could kick my leg up onto the stool next to him effectively blocking his exit as I sang

“He’s a good time. A cowboy Casanova leaning up against the record machine. Looks like a cool drink of water but he’s candy-coated misery. He’s the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes, and he only comes out at night. Gives you feelings that you don’t want to fight you better run for your life” I sang while grinding into Josh. The guys behind me were enjoying it so I strutted a bit in the music interlude for them until Josh picked me up from the waist and carried me out of the pub. “No fun!”

“None at all” Josh smirked as he quickly hailed a cab and deposited me in the back seat “You would have hated me tomorrow if I’d let you make more of a show of yourself”

“I wouldn’t hate you any day” I said drunkenly dropping my head into his lap and staring up at the ceiling of the moving cab

“Good to know” He said quietly as I closed my eyes and watched the little colored spots behind my eyelids move in circles. Before I knew it we were back on the lot and Josh had carried me to my bus. He had let me lean against the side once I had promised him that the world had stopped spinning a bit and he had watched me down an entire bottle of water

“Better?” I asked handing him the empty bottle

“Much. The guys will kill me if you are hung over tomorrow for rehearsal” Josh said and I shook my head a little

“I’ll be fine” I said as my attention drifted up to those green eyes “Thanks for taking care of me”

“Any time” He said sweetly as a small smile played across my lips

“I had a really great time today” I said watching my toes

“Me too” He said nervously. We stood there in silence for a minute or so until Josh cleared his throat “So I want to kiss you”

“Do you really?” I asked flirtatiously

“Think I can do it without triggering any flashbacks?” He asked as I nodded and placed his hands in safe locations on my hips. He looked at me questioningly until I had finished placing his hands and then he leaned into my lips. They were as soft and warm as I remembered and the kiss was sweet. He pulled back before it got too heavy “I’ll leave it at that for now”

“Always leave them wanting more” I said with a sly smile that he returned

“Goodnight bright eyes” He said turning and walking away. I watched him a little dreamily as he made his way across the lot and then felt a familiar presence lurking from behind the bus

“If it’s sneaking around and butting into situations it has no right to then it must be…” I trailed off sarcastically and jumped in front of him before he could get away “AJ!”

“I’m not sneaking. I was just hanging out. Geez is that you?” Aj asked as I frowned

“What?”

“I know I’m an alcoholic and all but I swear I could get drunk off of the fumes” He said taking a step away from me

“I took a whisky shot!” I said proudly as Aj grinned

“You’re a bit of a mess” He said taking my hand so I could steady myself

“Sorry. You don’t have to be around me when I’m drunk. That can’t be fun. Hey aren’t I mad at you?” I asked groggily as Aj giggled

“With you, you never know” He said and I stuck out my tongue at him

“I think I’m mad” I said trying to pull away from his hand but losing my balance when I succeeded

“Ok I’m staying here until you sober up a bit. If anyone knows the dangers of walking around as drunk as you are it’s me” Aj said catching my fall and bringing me to the ground where we sat leaning against the bus

“The world is all spinning” I said tracing Aj’s bus in front of me as it swirled around in the air

“All this is from one whisky shot?” Aj asked with a bemused smile as I rested my head in his lap and stared up at his face and the sky behind it

“No that was just the shot some guys from the bar bought me. I had other stuff. I think beer is stronger here than in the US” I said as Aj smirked

“And they serve it in pints which are bigger than the glasses in the US too. You’re learning all sorts of things tonight” Aj said twirling my hair in his fingers “Say, shouldn’t your date be sitting out here on drunk duty?”

“He didn’t know how drunk I was or he’d have stayed. You can go if you don’t want to-” I started but Aj cut me off

“I’m just giving you a hard time. I’ll be here as long as you need me” He said sweetly and I smiled “So is he a better kisser than me?”

“Nope” I said quickly before covering my mouth “Oops”

“So you’re an honest drunk, huh?” Aj laughed as I giggled

“Or maybe I’m a lying drunk. Think about that!” I said proudly causing Aj to scoff

“No such thing. Not when they’re drunk anyway. That’s the funny thing about drunks. All truths when their wasted but all lies when they’re sober” Aj explained

“That’s no fun” I mused focusing alternately on his face and then the stars to entertain myself

“Depends on where you’re sitting” He said mischievously

“I’m lying down” I explained seriously

“You sure are” Aj conceded. We sat in silence for a little longer before Aj decided to push his luck a little more “So do you think you’re mad because the last two nights have been so good and you’re regretting being with someone else or are you mad because you feel that I’m taking advantage of you”

“Neither” I said simply as a look of confusion crossed Aj’s face

“Explain” He said and I furrowed my brow to focus

“I think I’m mad because I was so excited to be able to have sex and to have it with you” I attempted

“That makes no sense”

“If you hadn’t fucked up we’d be having that sex all the time. It’s your fault it can only be those two nights and maybe never again. I really like that sex. So I’m really mad at you” I explained and this time it was Aj’s turn to sigh

“Well I suppose that makes me feel a little better. I was worried for a second there that maybe I’d forced you to do something you didn’t really want to” He said and I watched as it looked like tiny clouds floated across his eyes

“Did you have that sex with Camie?” I asked and he met my glance

“To be honest I don’t really remember it. So my feeling is no. Because I don’t think I could forget sex like the past two nights. Not even if I were as drunk as you” He said and I frowned. “You’ve got another question?”

“A tough one” I warned

“Shoot”

“I’m really drunk, right?” I asked slowly

“Yeah” Aj chuckled

“But right now I know the difference between right and wrong. I could have sex with you right now but I wouldn’t because Josh and I are kind of a thing and that would be wrong. You said you loved me. Why wasn’t that love enough to make you ignore what was wrong?”

“That is a hard one” Aj said glancing up at the sky and taking in a deep breath of the night air

“Is it hard because you realize that you didn’t love me?” I asked quietly

“Katrina Rose” He scolded “How can you even think that?”

“How can I not?” I asked as he shook his head

“You are really drunk right now but my body needs a lot more alcohol than what you’ve had to get to the same place. Now if you were this drunk and I kept offering you more drinks and I used every trick I know to make you fall for me-”

“Like what?” I asked incredulously

“Like if I whispered everything into your ear while brushing my lips close to that sensitive spot on your neck and ran my fingers lightly on the tops of your thighs and every once in a while let a finger escape to your inner thigh where you so like to be touched and if I told you what I really thought of you and how much you turn me on-”

“Ok I get it” I interrupted as Aj smiled a little

“Now think if all those things were happening and you were this drunk. Can you see how ever so slowly, under so much attack, something so strong, even as strong as our love, could be conquered?” Aj asked seriously as I thought hard

“Maybe” I allowed and Aj fell silent. We sat there like that for a while longer before I tried to sit up and realized how dizzy I still was “When will this be over?”

“I don’t know my love. Soon” He assured me as I frowned again “What’s the matter?”

“I think I’m about to talk with you about something that I shouldn’t” I explained as Aj’s eyes lit up with curiosity

“Lord knows this may be the only time I can get you to talk to me about this stuff so why don’t you give it a shot. You can pretend you don’t remember it when I see you tomorrow” He offered as I nodded

“Do you promise?”

“I promise”

“I think I love you” I began as Aj rolled his eyes

“That’s not news”

“Hey!” I scolded and Aj looked apologetically at me and pretended to lock his lips shut and throw away the key “I think that maybe the cheating thing isn’t the reason I want to be with Josh and not you. I think it’s the love”

“Love must be terrifying for someone who has been taken advantage of the way you have” Aj said sadly brushing a piece of hair out of my eyes

“Every time I try to let myself love you my heart and my head start fighting and it’s too much to bear. It’s worse than my nerves” I said as Aj looked thoughtful

“There’s not much I can say to that precious. You have to decide on your own that you’re willing to risk big so you can win big. All I can offer you is the promise that I’ll be here waiting for you when you decide to give it a chance”

“When I decide?” I teased

“It’s only a matter of time. I’m very determined and I always get what I want” Aj said cheekily and I smacked him playfully in the chest

“Tomorrow is going to be hell, huh?” I asked finally able to slowly sit up without the world pitching under me

“You’ll be pretty hung over” Aj offered as I shook my head

“No. I mean with me pretending this never happened but knowing that it did and Josh asking me on a second date and you being all cute and maybe keeping your promise depending on your mood” I said as Aj took my hand

“You must be sobering up if you’ve begun to realize that. Perhaps I should escort you to your bed?” He asked as I nodded slowly and he helped me stand “You sure do like to put yourself in awkward situations”

“I blame you” I said with a sly grin

“Don’t you always?” He retorted before silently helping me into my bunk. He carefully slid my shoes off and helped me take off my jacket and accessories before letting me collapse into my pillow. I felt him cover me with a blanket and press his lips lightly to my cheek

“Aj?” I asked before he turned to go away

“I’m here” He said tenderly causing my heart to throb

“I’m sorry” I whispered

“I know” He whispered back and with a small squeeze of my hand, he was gone.