Chapter 17

Chapter 17

The next few days went by in a blur. I didn’t see or hear from Aj at all. Howie picked me up the day after the show from Josh’s hotel room with a change of clothes supplied by Mollee and he kept me out all day shopping and eating at all the best restaurants in the area. He deposited me to Mollee who ushered me quickly into her bunk where we talked the night away and she insisted I sleep in her bed with her. I woke up to Nick bright and early ready to take Mollee and me out rock climbing. That night I spent with Josh in his hotel room where we made out hungrily but with nothing more and then he escorted me to the bus where he stayed for our trip to Scotland. We arrived with only a few hours before the show so Josh ran to get to work setting up the equipment and Mollee all but marched me to the stage to stretch and warm up.

“You guys are exhausting” I joked as Mollee brought me on stage and sat across from me after sweeping the area with her eyes as if she thought Aj was going to roll out from under the stage with his girl

“Well good.  Exhausted people don’t spend time thinking about things they shouldn’t” Mollee reasoned and I rolled my eyes. While I was flattered that everyone was taking such care to protect my feelings I can’t say that it kept Aj from my thoughts. On the contrary it seemed like the less I saw him the more I thought about him. It was like dieting. The more you deny yourself that chocolate the more you crave it with every fiber of your being. I couldn’t help but feel a little excited at the prospect of seeing him tonight.

“Incoming” I heard from behind me as Camie came in and sat unusually close to me.  I followed her stare in the direction she had just come from to see Aj walking very publicly with the brunette from before on his arm. They stopped and surveyed the crowd and I couldn’t help but feel that Aj was trying to make sure I was among the people on stage before he opened his mouth

“Everyone I have an announcement” He said cheekily as if he didn’t already have everyone’s attention

“What is she still doing here? I thought she was just visiting in Manchester” Nick whispered angrily as Aj’s smile grew

“In case you don’t know this is Missy and she is joining us on tour. As my girlfriend” Aj emphasized the last word and I waited for pain to come but instead a giggle bubbled out of my lips. I couldn’t help it, it was so ridiculous. Looking at this girl, well, she looked a lot like me if I had breast implants. She smiled vacantly and kissed Aj’s jaw and all I could do was laugh at this transparent attempt to make me angry. Suddenly I was dissolved in giggles, clutching my side and burying my face in Mollee’s lap. She seemed concerned for a second but after a moment it became impossible to mistake my hysterical laughter for anything but what it was and she joined me

“Welcome” I said through giggles as I wiped my eyes from tears of laughter “I hope you enjoy touring” and then I was gone, laughing so hard that I could barely breathe. Mollee joined me before long and soon everyone was laughing, though more at my hysterics than at Aj’s attempt to hurt me, and Aj gave Missy a frustrated look before leaving to deposit her wherever she would be spending the show

“Ok Kat calm down, Jesus” Mollee said through her own laughter as I fought to get myself under control

“I’m sorry but my God how much more transparent do you get?” I asked as there was some general mumbling of agreement

“Finally a response I can get behind” Camie said and since I was still high from my laughter I just turned to her

“What do you mean?”

“Seeing you so love sick over this dude is getting old. I can get behind a girl who can laugh at his pitiful attempts to prove he’s moved on” Camie explained and while I couldn’t agree with the malicious tone in her voice a part of me was proud that even Camie was aware that this was the most ridiculous thing Aj could have done. He just proved how stuck on me he still was. I wasn’t proud of it but that fact had lifted my spirits considerably. In a complete state of double standard I felt that as long as I knew that he still had feelings for me it was ok for me to be with Josh and still have feelings for him

“All right hair and make up for the girls” Sophie exclaimed once everyone had calmed down and the four of us marched to our stations

“Hey Kat” I heard from behind me and turned to see Camie “Sit next to me will you? I want to talk” I nodded raising a questioning eyebrow at Mollee behind her back which Mollee answered with a shrug

“What’s up?” I asked as the hair guy began to work on my hair

“I’m sorry about everything with Aj. It was a night of drunkenness but I was still a bitch for coming between you two. It won’t happen again” She said. I expected to feel the urge to tell her to go fuck herself but instead a little piece of me seemed to loosen up. I hated having enemies and one less was something to celebrate

“Apology accepted. Now is it just me or is that girl an exact replica of yours truly” I whispered wickedly and she grinned

“It’s uncanny” Camie whispered back. We laughed and had a good time while we got ready and I even stood next to her in our prayer circle. Mollee seemed conflicted. She was happy with anything that allowed me to let Aj go but she was still no fan of Camie’s. I cornered Mollee as we went to our places because I knew she was dying to say something to me about it

“Well?” I asked expectantly as Mollee paused

“Just don’t trust her ok?” Mollee said not needing to explain her subject matter

“Only as far as I could throw her” I said with a grin which Mollee returned

“Look at you. You resemble the Kat I know” She said happily with a kiss on my forehead before bouncing off to position behind Nick. I placed myself behind Aj and he turned as soon as he felt my presence

“Is it really so hilarious to you that I could find someone else?” Aj asked clearly hurt by my earlier reaction. I was taken aback by the pain in his eyes that I had vowed I would do anything in my power to rid him of

“Oh Aj I’m sorry. It wasn’t that. I’m just tired and I got the giggles. I’m very happy for you” I said and he glared at me

“I can’t believe I ever thought you were worth my time” He said harshly before turning towards the screen. I tried to catch my breath because his words had knocked the wind out of me. What was I doing that was so wrong? He was the one who had initiated this whole unofficial “we hate each other” agreement. And yet despite what Mollee had said about my returning more to my usual self I couldn’t deny that I felt more like I was walking away from who I was with each step I took away from Aj. I tried to clear my head but as usual once we hit the stage Aj and I were all over each other and the pain I was feeling had time to settle into the depths of my stomach.

The next week passed in a blur as we made the rounds in England and moved onto Ireland. Missy became a figure of the tour bringing out the worst in me every time she was around. Aj and I had settled into the oddest relationship cycle I had ever encountered. When we were on stage we were completely into one another. It was almost as if nothing had happened and we were together and in love. He would thrill me and I would see the sparkle return to his eyes as I’d flash him a smile when we completed a difficult move together in perfection. But as soon as we stepped off stage we were at war. He would flaunt Missy in the most visible places possible and I would make comments that I’d be horrified hearing from my worst enemy’s mouth, let alone my own. In those moments when I was ugliest it seemed that Camie was always there as my new best friend and confidant in the war against Aj and Missy. While I never completely let her in it helped me feel less horrible about myself when I wasn’t the only one saying nasty things. In a strange cause and effect the more I felt myself becoming this jealous bitch the more time I wanted to spend with Josh who reminded me of who I really was. Of course all Aj saw was me getting closer to Josh and that drove him crazy. Everyone else tried to stay out of our way when Aj and I had to come in contact and it was creating some intensely awkward situations for everyone on tour. So when I woke up on November 21^st in Germany I was acutely aware that for some reason I was feeling more solemn and grounded in my own skin than I had been recently and as I struggled to figure out why Mollee climbed into bed next to me and wrapped me in a tight hug.

“It’s been so crazy on the road that I’d almost forgotten” She said quietly as I sighed and it hit me. It was the anniversary of our parent’s deaths.

“Me too” I said as tears sprang into my eyes. I held Mollee tightly and she cried silently into my shoulder. We stayed like that for about a half an hour until we couldn’t produce another tear

“What are we going to do for them today? We’re in Germany so this will be the first time we won’t get to spend this day with them” Mollee said as we lay next to each other staring at the ceiling of my bunk. It was our tradition to spend the day, rain or shine, at our parent’s graves. Usually we’d pack a picnic and bring some books and just talk and spend time. Today it obviously wasn’t possible

“Well we have the day off and it’s not snowing yet. We could still do a picnic somewhere” I offered

“Know anyplace off-hand in Germany?” Mollee asked and I sighed

“Maybe one of the guys could find something. Does Nick know?” I asked turning and playing with her hair

“Not about today, no, but I could call him” She said as I nodded

“You do that and I’m going to take a shower” I said swinging myself slowly out of the bunk and into the shower. I tried to remember some of the little details about mom and dad. I remember how terrifying it had been when those details had begun to slip away. The exact color of the highlights in mom’s hair, the way dad smelled when he came in from a cold day at work, the way they would look at each other with such love in their eyes. Then I started to worry that I didn’t remember where I had put the scrapbook we had made with pictures and keepsakes from the two of them. I ran out of the shower, leaving it on and barely covering myself with a towel to find Mollee. She wasn’t in the bunk so I ran to the clothes room and began to tear apart all of our stuff in my search. My panic began to rise as I found other albums but not the one with mom and dad in it. Pretty soon I was crying and soaking wet and it wasn’t until I felt strong arms around me that I was able to take a proper breath

“Shhh beautiful you’ll be ok” Josh said wrapping me in my towel and then in his arms. He rocked me back and forth and I buried my head in his chest trying desperately to rid myself of the feeling that I had somehow lost the few memories of my mom and dad that I had left

“I can’t find it. I can’t find it anywhere” I sobbed and Josh held me closer

“Can’t find what?” He asked quietly as I sniffled

“The pictures of my mom and dad” I cried as Josh rocked me again until I could catch my breath

“Kat what happened?” Mollee asked with Nick not far behind

“I lost them. I lost the pictures. Now we’ll forget everything” I sobbed. Mollee grinned a little and pulled out the album from where it had been by her side. She dropped it where I was sitting and I clutched it like a lifeline

“I’m so sorry Booger I was showing Nick. I didn’t think you’d need it” She said crouching down to my level to wipe my face. Nick disappeared for a second and then I heard the shower shut off. Josh helped me to my feet and I stood there for a moment shivering in my towel but still safe in Josh’s arms

“I’m sorry I freaked out” I said quietly to Josh who shook his head

“You have nothing to be sorry about today” He said sternly before kissing the top of my head

“Nick found a place we can have a picnic and go through the pictures and read some of our favorite books” Mollee said and I nodded with a small smile

“I’ll get dressed and then can we go?” I asked as she hugged me

“We can both get dressed. Boys can we get a little privacy?” Mollee asked as Josh slowly let go of me and Nick kissed Mollee’s forehead before leading him out. We picked out each other’s clothes, purposely finding shirts and colors mom and dad had particularly liked and then bundled up for the coldest picnic ever. I grabbed the big blankets from both Mollee’s bunk and my own and Mollee grabbed some extra sweaters. When I walked out of the bus Nick was holding an already packed picnic basket and Josh pushed hot thermoses of coffee into our hands

“We have the best boys” I said and Mollee agreed as we followed Nick to a rented car. He drove us to a small park that looked out over a beautiful mountain range and we found a perfect spot under a tree to set up our cozy camp. We all bundled under the blankets, Mollee and I in the middle with Nick and Josh as bookends on either side and then Mollee pulled out the scrap book.

“These are baby pictures” Mollee explained opening up to the first page. A little boy with my bright blue eyes stared back at me with a grin that spread from ear to ear. He was wearing an adorable blue pinstriped jumper and holding a red ball

“Your dad has your eyes” Josh commented as I smiled

“And look Mom gave Kat her crazy morning hair” Mollee joked as we laughed at the picture of mom as a toddler with so much cake on her face that her hair stuck straight up with frosting

“Are your grandparents still around?” Nick asked as I shook my head

“Nope us Blackwells die young” I said as Mollee elbowed me

“Well that stops now” Josh said and Mollee nodded in agreement

“Oh look at mom in high school. She was beautiful” I said happily as we turned the page. Mom’s yearbook picture was almost a joke it was so perfect. She had Mollee’s natural perfect curls and those bright green eyes. Her smile lit up the page.

“Dad was such a nerd” Mollee said with a grin as we took in dad’s bad hair and ridiculous mustache

“But he was a foxy nerd” I said with affection looking at his blue eyes and dark chestnut hair. We moved through college pictures with Dad and his football and mom at marches and protests

“Mom spent more time picketing than studying” Mollee explained with pride

“She’s where we get our… tenacity?” I struggled

“Call a spade a spade Booger.  She’s where we get our stubbornness” Mollee joked

“She sure does look like a strong woman. She’d be proud of you” Nick said causing me to blush a little. Next we were on to wedding pictures where dad had grown out of his awkward teens and into a dashing man in his late twenties. Mom was stunning as ever and the two of them looked like they had come directly out of a wedding catalogue

“I want to wear that dress” I said running my hands lightly over mom’s wedding dress in the picture

“Not if I get to it first” Mollee said bumping my shoulder. We continued on to pictures of mom holding smiling baby girls and dad teaching them softball and all four of us in family pictures both posed and candid. We reminisced about summers on the beach and winters at ski lodges and of course millions of dance recitals. We reached the end and shut the book about two hours later. The wind was blowing cold but I was cuddled under a multitude of blankets and sharing body heat with Josh and Mollee. We set up for the picnic and ate some sandwiches and fruit and drank hot chocolate. After that we read some of our favorite stories and told even more original ones about mom’s irrational fear of birds and dad’s tendencies to wear extremely outrageous ties. Nick and Josh were wonderful the whole time laughing and listening and sometimes sharing their own families’ stories. It started to get dark early so we packed up and headed back.

“You know we may not have been at mom and dad’s graves but I think this is the best remembrance ever. I just feel like they’re with us now” I said contentedly as Josh wrapped an arm around my shoulder

“Of course they are. Look at the way Mollee’s hair bounces in her curls or how your eyes shine when you’re happy. The way you make dumb jokes and your sister stands up for everything she believes in. You are the best memoriam to your parents. You and your sister” Josh said sweetly and a single tear ran down my cheek

“Oh he’s a keeper that one” Mollee said from the front seat where she was holding Nick’s hand and stroking it lightly

“I think so” I said and gave Josh a light peck on the cheek. I took a deep breath and realized that in this moment I was truly me and mom and dad would be proud. We pulled up to the lot and I went to grab some of the blankets but Josh stopped me

“We have one more surprise. Leave everything and come with us” Josh said taking my hand as Nick took Mollee’s

“What more could we ask for? You two have been so wonderful today” Mollee said as Nick smiled and pointed towards our bus. All you could see in the dark were pinpricks of light but as we got closer we saw everyone sitting on the steps with candles. Howie got up and hugged me tightly before handing me a candle and offering me a seat next to him. Josh, Mollee, and Nick all grabbed candles and took seats

“We just wanted to have some way to remember your parents with you tonight” Nick explained as I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes

“We’ve all lost people in our lives. This is as good of a night as any, in memory of your parents, to remember anyone we’ve loved and lost” Howie said squeezing my hand. I looked around at the illuminated faces of my friends. Camie was holding a candle and I was surprised to see she was silently crying. Who had she lost? Brian was on the other side of Mollee with Leighanne and Bailey and they were all holding each other. Howie had Leigh behind him with baby James in her arms. Sophie was on one side of Nick and he was holding Mollee who was letting silent tears fall as well

“You guys this is incredible” I said quietly “I don’t know what to say”

“Tell us a story about your parents. Then we can go around and all say something about someone we have lost. We’ll stay out until the candles burn down” Brian said as I smiled

“That sounds perfect. I have a great story. One Christmas our tree fell down, ornaments and all, and-” I started but was interrupted

“What’s going on here?” A voice that I instantly recognized said from the darkness. Josh instinctively pulled me close and my mood darkened as Aj walked up with Missy by his side

“Nothing dude it’s just something for Kat and Mollee…” Howie said standing up and handing his candle to Leigh “Come on and walk with me and I’ll explain”

“Looks like anyone who is anyone was invited” He said jerkily as anger began to burn like a fire in my chest

“We didn’t mean to exclude you from anything bro. Just come with me and I’ll explain everything” Howie tried again as he picked his way down the stairs of the bus so he could get Aj away and explain

“It looks like a party. Maybe I don’t want to leave” Aj said and I snapped

“This is for friends only. Get the hell out of here before I remove you” I said slowly and clearly but full of anger

“What? I can’t come to a candle party?” He asked and I stood up quickly

“You are an asshole, an incredible asshole. Today is the anniversary of our parent’s deaths. Our FRIENDS put this together to help us celebrate their lives. You are ruining everything. Get the hell out of here” I yelled with tears streaming down my cheeks by the end. Aj looked completely stunned

“Oh. Oh God. Kat, Mollee, I’m so-” Aj started but Missy cut him off

“You can’t talk to him like that! After everything you’ve put him through! Who do you think you are?” Missy yelled and my jaw just dropped in disbelief

“Cut it out Missy” Aj said loudly and she dropped quiet “Kat is hurting. She’s mourning for her parents. When we mourn we don’t always say the nicest things”

“But babe-”

“Enough. Just be quiet. We’ll leave. We’re leaving. I’m sorry guys. Kat, Mollee, I’m so sorry for your loss” He said and for a moment I saw Aj and he saw me and our eyes locked

“It’s ok. I’m sorry I lost my temper. Rough day” I whispered to him and he nodded

“If you need anything….well… you know” He said lamely before turning and walking away. It took a few minutes for the air to settle after that but it finally did and we all shared stories of people we had loved and lost. Bailey told an adorable story about his fish and I tried to get wrapped up in everyone’s memories but all I could think about was Aj. When the candles had burned down everyone said goodnight and I thanked everyone profusely. I gave Nick an extra long hug and a kiss on the cheek

“You are an amazing human being” I said in his ear and he kissed my forehead

“You” He said simply and took a few steps back so I could see Josh

“You are incredible. Absolutely incredible” I said as he smiled

“Seeing you happy and yourself was all the thanks I needed” Josh said sweetly as I smiled

“Can I ask you something?” I asked as Josh grinned

“You just did but I guess you can ask something else” He said goofily

“Will you be my boyfriend?” I blurted out and Josh grinned so wide it looked like his mouth would fall off his face. I heard Mollee gasp happily and I let out a small grin

“Hell yeah” He said happily before pulling me into a hug and twirling me around. He kissed me deeply and I smiled wide when he pulled back

“Now I have to ask something harder” I said as Josh’s smile faded a little

“What?”

“Can I spend our first official night as boyfriend and girlfriend with my sister?” I asked as his grin returned at full power

“Of course but I get you tomorrow night” He said happily

“You can have me all the nights after that if you want. I’m yours” I said and he shook his head

“You’re yours. I just get to share you” He said and gave me one last kiss before heading off for his hotel room

“Well that’s awesome” Mollee said from behind me and I turned to see that Nick had snuck off

“It was time” I said happily as Mollee grinned. She looped her arm in mine and we went back to the bus. Our blankets were on our beds and I cuddled next to Mollee on her bunk

“I think they’d be proud of us” Mollee said once we were settled in bed together

“Me too” I said quietly. I drifted off to a light sleep but was awoken by the vibrating of my phone above me. I reached up to my bunk and squinted at the caller ID in the display. It was Aj. I crept out of bed, careful not to wake Mollee, and snuck upstairs to the reflection room before answering “Hello?”

“Hey” He said quietly and then there was silence

“You ok?” I asked and I heard him sigh

“I feel terrible about tonight. I had no idea. And then what Missy said…” He trailed off and I sighed too

“Today was too good of a day for even you to ruin Aj. Don’t worry about it” I said quietly while absently twirling the fringe on the edge of one of the pillows

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” He said quietly

“I didn’t need you today. I had plenty of people. My sister, my friends and my boyfriend-” I began ticking them off but Aj interrupted me

“Oh so he’s your boyfriend now?” Aj asked as I rolled my eyes

“You can’t say you didn’t see it coming” I said through a yawn “We’ve been dating for a while and have been friends almost as long as I’ve known you”

“That sounds safe as houses. He’ll never hurt you” Aj said but with a tone that made it clear he didn’t think either of those things was particularly admirable

“He is a marvelous person who thinks about people besides himself and he adores me. You’ve got your girlfriend you must know what that’s like” I shot back with more than a hint of sarcasm

“I didn’t call to fight. I just wanted to apologize and see if you needed someone to talk to” Aj said quickly, clearly trying to keep his temper in check. I sighed. Why does he bring out the worst in me lately?

“I’m sorry Aj. I didn’t mean to goad you. Thank you for calling. It was very thoughtful of you but I’m going to go back to bed” I said through another yawn

“Is he waiting for you?” Aj asked quietly

“No, she is. I’m spending the night with Mollee. You know, my sister” I said tiredly as Aj sighed

“I don’t know how we ended up here” He said and I could hear the sadness in his voice

“Aj can we not do this right now?” I asked and I heard him let out a big gust of breath

“Fine but just one more thing” Aj said

“I’m listening”

“Be careful hanging around Camie. I know you two are buddies now or something but you can’t trust her. She’s manipulative” He warned and I was taken aback. Was he really warning me about Camie?

“I can handle myself, thank you” I said a little more harshly than I had meant to

“I know. I miss you Kat” He said

“There are times I miss you too Aj” I said quietly. I held onto the phone and we sat in silence. I knew we were at the end of our little truce. Tomorrow world war three would be back on. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t bring myself to hang up

“I’m sorry I said you weren’t worth my time. It’s not true” Aj said after a minute of silence

“I’m sorry I called you an asshole and laughed at your girlfriend. I really do want you to be happy” I said quietly. Another minute of silence passed

“I love you” He whispered and my heart broke

“Goodnight Aj” I said and hung up the phone. One tear ran down my cheek and I had to take about ten minutes to compose myself before I could climb back into bed with Mollee. That night I had the old falling dream again with Aj and his violent storms on one side and Josh and his calm breezes on the other. The only thing I was sure of when I woke up was that if I kept straddling this line I was the one that would end up crashing down to Earth. And it wouldn’t be pretty.

Chapter 16

Chapter 16

               The next day was a blur of press and tech runs of the show. I avoided Aj since I was not really sure where we stood at the moment and was a bit relieved when I was able to prepare without running into him or Josh backstage. Everyone else seemed to be giving me some space so I assumed I was giving off some vibes that betrayed how conflicted I felt even though I tried to suppress them and focus on what I needed to do for the day. When we circled up backstage I chanced a look at Aj and saw that he was looking not his usual perky self either. He must have felt my eyes on him because he looked up and met my stare. I gave him a small smile and he returned it before putting his head down and closing his eyes for the prayer. We made our way to our starting positions back stage and I gave him some space, taking as long as I could before I had to move behind him for the opening of the show. He was focused with lazar intensity at the screen in front of him as the intro video played and I sighed and fought the urge to put my hand on his shoulder and give him a reassuring squeeze. I wanted to let him know that it would be ok, that we would be ok, but I knew that I had to let him be. The show went quickly and our onstage chemistry only fueled the confusion as it flared hotter than ever before. It seemed that when we ignored each other our hormones decided they could run rampant. Thankfully I had a sleepover to look forward to so while the guys were escorted quickly to their buses for the drive to Manchester I hung back until I found Josh and we made our way hand in hand to the dancer’s bus. The girls were prepared by the time we got there, already showered and in pajamas with bowls of popcorn and chips and open bottles of wine. I excused myself to shower and left Josh to fend for himself with Mollee hoping that at least Sophie could keep her in check while I wasn’t there to protect him. Even so I showered quickly and changed into some soft pajama pants that looked like they were made from squares of different red themed fabrics and a white tank top. I braided my hair into pig tails and headed out to relieve Josh so he could change.

“Is she being on her best behavior?” I asked Sophie while indicating to Mollee

“You act like I’m going to embarrass you. He’s the one I like, remember?” Mollee said as I rolled my eyes

“Let’s have a no Aj rule tonight. No one mentions him and we just focus on what’s in front of us” I suggested before devouring a few chips. I’d begun to discover that the after show adrenaline made me hungry for food and sex. I was learning that if gave into one then I was less likely to crave the other. That was the theory anyway.

“Good idea” Mollee agreed as we launched into an awkward silence

“I feel like you must have been talking about me if it’s this quiet when I re-enter the room” Josh joked upon his return in grey sweat pants and a black fitted t-shirt. He sat next to me and I leaned into his strong chest

“Don’t be so paranoid. Plus it’s more fun talking to you when you’re here. Can I offer you some wine?” Mollee asked handing Josh a glass of wine before he could answer. She offered some to me but I declined

“I’m taking a break from drinking” I said as Mollee shrugged

“I heard someone cannot hold their liquor well. Is it true you threw up in the middle of rehearsal?” Josh asked with a grin as I flushed red

“This night is supposed to be about getting to know you so let’s skip the stories of me and my drunken escapades” I dodged as Josh chuckled

“Alright fine, what do you want to know?” Josh asked taking a sip from his wine. I paused not knowing where to start but Camie jumped right in

“How about we play truth or dare?” She asked mischievously as Mollee and Sophie eagerly agreed

“Ok it’s worth a shot” I conceded though deep down I felt that this couldn’t possibly end well

“Ok I’ll start. Josh truth or dare?” Mollee asked eagerly as I rolled my eyes

“Didn’t see that one coming” I joked as Josh just chuckled

“Why do I feel I’m trapped no matter what I choose? Ok truth” He said as Mollee grinned

“Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend?” She asked as my cheeks warmed in embarrassment

“Never” He said proudly and I had a hard time hiding my smile

“Ok Kat, truth or dare?” Josh asked

“Dare” I said immediately

“She always goes for the dare” Mollee informed him as I scowled at her

“Ballsy. I’m not surprised” Josh said with a look of affection towards me “I dare you to try my Nutella and spaghetti sandwich”

“Excuse me what?” Sophie asked with the same face I had made when I first came face to face with his creation

“It’s Josh’s lunch of choice. Alright if we have all the ingredients in our kitchen whip one up and I’ll eat it. I never back down on a dare” I said as Josh hopped up followed by Camie and Sophie to make the sandwich

“See? Isn’t he fun?” Mollee asked as I sighed

“Mollee I’m already dating him please stop trying to sell him to me. And I don’t appreciate the cheating question. I’m not stupid. I know you’re trying to point out how he wouldn’t hurt me like Aj did” I said as frustration saturated my tone

“Just making sure we’re on the same page” She said unfazed as always at my discomfort when she believed what she was doing was right. The sandwich was as odd as I expected. It didn’t taste bad but the foamy bread texture and the squishy spaghetti with the sugary Nutella did not endear me to it. Josh was grinning widely when we were done so I turned back to him

“Josh truth or dare?” I asked as he pouted

“I just went!” He whined

“There is no limit on how many times you can go!” I retorted and the girls backed me up

“Fine dare” He said as I giggled

“Let us give you a makeover” I said and the other girls squealed with delight. About five minutes later Josh’s hair was corn rowed with bows at the end and he had some very bright and offensive makeup on. We were chasing him around trying to get pictures before we overturned a bowl of pretzels and that got everyone to calm down to clean it up and then resume the game. It went on for about another hour with lots of gross food concoctions being eaten and embarrassing questions being asked. Slowly the other girls made their way to bed citing the need for rest for our show tomorrow night. Mollee was the last to go with a departing wink and a reminder to only do things she would do. I made Josh his bed up front on the couch and cuddled next to him under the covers with the lights out

“Mind if we keep playing truth or dare?” He asked nuzzling his face into the crook of my neck

“As long as I don’t have to move from this spot” I said happily and I felt him smile into my shoulder

“Sounds good, truth or dare?” He asked

“Truth”

“I thought you never chose truth!” Josh said excitedly as I laughed

“For you I’ll make an exception. Just don’t tell Mollee” I joked

“Ok deal. Do you have feelings for me?” He asked flirtatiously

“I do. I can’t believe you even have to ask that” I said with a grin

“The question has two parts. Is that ok?” Josh asked

“Sure but you’ll have to answer two questions next” I said as Josh nodded his agreement

“Do you feel the same way for me that you do for him?” He asked shyly as my heart sank. Even without using his name Josh had clearly made his intention known. He wanted to know who I chose. It wouldn’t be such a difficult question if I wasn’t so conflicted on the subject myself

“No” I started and I felt his heart sink so I elaborated “With him everything is complicated and hard. I end up hurt more times then I end up happy. With you things are effortless” I said which seemed to placate him “My turn?”

“Two questions, go for it” He said abandoning the pretense of truth or dare since we both knew we just wanted to find out more about each other in this personal setting

“How many girls have you been with?” I asked

“Serious relationship or hook ups?” Josh asked

“Both. I get a two part question remember?” I asked with a mischievous grin into the darkness

“Good point. Two serious relationships and four others” He said as I smiled. Those were numbers I could deal with. We talked late into the night revealing our relationship pasts and I told him a little bit about the whole Rich ordeal. There were no gory details but he knew it ended badly, so badly that the police had been called and Mollee and I were more or less on the run from him. I fell asleep in Josh’s arms that night feeling content and I actually got a decent night’s sleep, even on a small couch. The next morning I awoke to a flash of light followed by giggles as the girls managed to get a few cute pictures of me asleep in Josh’s arms but I didn’t mind. I reluctantly let Josh go to find his stuff and his new hotel room for our stay in Manchester. I didn’t envy him having to hop from hotel room to hotel room. It was much more to my liking to have one place to call home even if it was small and had wheels. I fielded questions from the girls before escaping to shower and change. I checked my phone and saw two new voice messages. The first was from Brian wanting to hang out before the show and explore Manchester. The second was a song so it was clear who it was from.

Here we are seven days
And seven nights of empty tries
It's ritual, habitual
But it's never gonna work this time
We're to the point of no return
And along the way the only thing we've learned
Is how to hurt each other

I'm looking back and wondering why
It took so long to realize
That nothing's changed it never will
All these years of standing still
And still we stay in all this pain
And nothing's gonna make it go away

I don't wanna wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby you're not in it
And we're not what we used to be
No you wouldn't have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
And I don't wanna wait another minute to hear
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know

So save your voice
Don't waste your breath
Can't you see we're at the end
And this goodbye is permanent
So wish me well and try to forget
And all the fights
And all the ways
We almost made it
But we never did
And it's finally come to this

We cannot hide what we've become
So sick and tired of being numb
It's done, it's done
It's done

The last words rang through me so hard that I dropped the phone ending the message before the final chorus. Tears stung my eyes. This was no typical song message from Aj. This was a declaration. He was through. I know I wanted him to move on and stop hurting but in this moment it felt like I was losing him all over again. I hated myself for it but even after having spent the night in Josh’s arms I could only think of how much I would miss Aj’s.

“Hey are you ok?” Mollee asked coming up behind me and picking my phone up from where I had dropped it

“Not really” I squeaked trying my hardest to hold back the tears. Mollee wrapped me in her arms and I cried into her shoulder. When I pulled back to wipe my face Mollee checked my message and listened to the lyrics that had upset me.

“Booger this is a good thing. He’s letting you go” Mollee said as I sniffed

“Then why does it feel so awful?” I whispered still trying to catch my breath as the tears ran unchecked down my cheeks

“It’ll get better. It’s still raw. You can’t see it now but this is a good thing, it really is. Think of how nice it’ll be when you’ve both moved on enough that you can be friends” She said as I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out

“I just wasn’t ready to give it all up yet” I said quietly

“But this is better. It’s fairer to you and to Josh and to him. Trust me Booger this is good” Mollee said pulling me into another hug. As I cried some more into her shoulder I couldn’t shake the feeling that this whole thing was a huge mistake. I knew Aj had made his decision and I had to respect it but it took a lot of control not to run to his bus and demand some sort of explanation. “Want me to call Brian back for you? A day out with someone not involved in this whole thing might be good”

“Yeah tell him to meet me here” I said sadly. I took a deep breath and shook my body out a little before showering and changing into a faded pair of jeans and a plaid black and white button up with a collar. I took out my braids from last night that had set into waves and let them fall down to my shoulders before putting on a black cowboy hat and some cowboy boots. I slipped on some sunglasses, in serious need of some privacy from the insinuations from my mood ring eyes, before I heard a knock on the door

“Hey girly let’s get going!” Brian said happily and I gave him a weak smile in return while he took in my outfit “Why you’re a country gal at heart”

“Only when I’m hanging with you” I said trying my hardest to hide my pain. Brian took my arm, looped his through it and pulled me across the lot to a car he had rented “Ouch Bri, in a hurry?”

“Sorry I’m excited! I have an idea of what to do today and it is inspired by you!” He said cheerfully but quickly while pushing me into a black SUV before running around the other side and starting it faster than I thought would be physically possible

“You’re allowed to be excited but damn Bri” I said rubbing my elbow a bit where I had hit it when he had all but thrown me into the car

“Sorry. I need to control my energy. I hear that all the time” He said quickly but relaxing a bit as we left the lot behind us

“So where are we going?” I asked through a yawn. Even though I’d had a good night’s sleep last night with Josh this morning had been eventful to say the least and I was back to feeling exhausted

“Horseback riding” He said happily with a grin

“I love horses” I said smiling with real enthusiasm for the first time since I woke up

“Well good. As long as you’re ready to be schooled by the master” He said playing up his country drawl

“Oh bring it on” I joked back punching him lightly in the arm

“That was my singing arm! I’ll never sing again!” He yelled clutching his arm dramatically while I rolled my eyes. The ride to the barn where they housed the horses was quick and painless. It made me remember why I loved to hang out with Brian so much. He could make you forget all your problems in seconds flat with his antics. I fixed my hair while Brian ran around to open my door for me and help me out

“This place is gorgeous” I said looking around the English country side. The barn was quaint and very English with its thatched roof and stone walls and in every direction all you could see were rolling hills of rich greens with winding brown paths through them. Though it was almost noon there was still a fine mist creating a carpet over the landscape giving everything the feeling that it was somehow ancient and not to be disturbed

“Isn’t it?” Brian replied calmly having clearly been affected by the mood of the view in front of us. He took my hand and we walked silently to the barn where we met a proper British man who outfitted us with some helmets and introduced us to our horses

“Do you have any experience riding?” The man asked Brian who nodded confidently

“Yes sir I grew up in the back woods of Kentucky riding on the family farm” Brian said and I giggled at his country drawl

“Well then Artemis will do nicely. He’s a bit strong willed so we don’t give him to beginners but if he trusts that you know what you are doing than he will take good care of you” The man said pulling out a stunning black stallion with a little white diamond between his eyes. His coat gleamed even without the benefit of the sun and his strong muscles moved flawlessly under his skin

“Nice to meet you sir I’m sure we’ll get along just fine” Brian said taking the reins and petting Artemis on the nose with the same gentle nature that you normally only saw when Brian talked about his son. I was watching this tender moment intensely when I felt a nudge at my shoulder and turned to find a chestnut brown mare with a white belly. There was a bit of apple that had fallen at some point in the morning on the ground by my foot and she clearly wanted help reaching it

“Here you go sweetie” I cooed grabbing the apple and holding out my flat palm to her so she could get at it easier. She took it in one large and slimy chomp and I giggled as I watched her happily devour it

“Well that’s interesting. You seem to have attracted Sadie’s attention” The man said as I turned and saw him and Brian watching my interaction

“She’s beautiful” I said happily as she flung her mane back as if she understood she was being admired

“A bit proud but she’s a good girl. She hasn’t been very social lately so it’s nice to see her taking to you” The man said and I frowned

“Why?” I asked turning back to her as she nudged me again and I rubbed her nose

“We had to sell her mate a few weeks back and she’s been pining. Poor thing we would have kept him if we could have but…” He trailed off with a shrug and quickly checked her hoofs before saddling her

“Well I think she’s just perfect. You don’t need any man to make you special” I said into her eyes and I swear it felt like she smiled

“Interesting sentiment coming from you” Brian said smugly and I stuck my tongue out at him. Behind me Sadie whinnied and I smiled

“I think we’ll get along just fine” The man helped me onto Sadie while Brian expertly swung onto Artemis’s back causing me to whisper “show off” under my breath

“Now all of these paths are fairly circular so if you stray make sure to keep at least one in sight so you can find us again. Have a good time” He said as Brian took the lead and I nudged Sadie along behind him

“Where would you like to ride off to?” Brian asked once we were out of the immediate area of the barn

“What do you think Sadie?” I asked and Sadie nudged her head to a small path to our left “Good choice”

“What are you the horse whisperer?” Brian joked as he brought Artemis up beside Sadie so we could talk

“You’re just jealous you can’t have as many and varied talents as I do” I retorted as Brian laughed. The path we were following was winding and it brought us over the first large hill and down into a valley full of little purple flowers that peaked up over the mist to absorb the small bit of light this overcast day was bringing. Then Sadie took a turn off the path towards one of the tallest hills I could see and Brian got nervous

“Hey why don’t we just follow this path?” He asked as I grinned back at him

“Don’t trust my girl? Typical” I joked and Brian sighed before bringing Artemis up behind us as we began to climb the large hill

“Why would she pick the steepest hill here?” Brian asked as we leaned forward over the horse’s necks to help them propel us up the steep incline

“She must have a reason” I said quietly while giving her a pat on the side of her neck. We struggled up that hill for almost ten minutes and just when I thought she would drop from fatigue Sadie peaked over the crest of the hill and stopped to take in the view. My mouth dropped open as I gazed at the picturesque scene in front of me. Hills rolled in every direction as far as the eye could see with nothing disturbing their peace but a small wind that whistled through the one tree in the whole area. That tree was right beside us and its snarled branches gave us the shade from the sun that was now forcing its way through the clouds. It illuminated the different colors hidden in all that misty green as little white and blue and yellow flowers seemed to sprout right in front of our eyes to meet the sun in its arrival

“Well well. Sorry Sadie. I’ll never doubt you again” Brian said as he came even to us and Artemis pushed a big gulp of air out through his snout

“Want to give these guys a break?” I asked and Brian nodded before quickly dismounting and then helping me do the same. Artemis quickly headed a few paces down the hill for some prime grass but Sadie stayed where she was just on the edge of the tree’s shade staring almost sadly down at the view. Her eyes seemed to hold deep sorrow and longing and my heart melted “I know how you feel”

“Talking to horses again?” Brian said quietly after giving Sadie and I a moment of staring at the scene in silent connection

“We’ve got a lot in common” I said patting her lightly

“You know horses are great listeners but I’m better at conversation because I can talk back” Brian said smartly and I grinned

“Well is there something specific you wanted to say to me?” I asked as Brian took my hand and led me to the tree’s trunk where we could both lean back and look over the valley stretching out in front of us

“I hate to see you like this over some guy” Brian said as I rolled my eyes

“He’s one of your best friends. You know he’s more than just ‘some guy.’ Especially to me” I answered

“Well he doesn’t define you. Just remember that you are a beautiful person with or without him no matter what happens” Brian said and my brow creased in worry. What the heck did that mean?

“Bri-” I started the question not fully formed in my head or on my lips

“Just have faith that you are wonderful person even without a certain Alexander James McLean” Brian said with a definite end to the topic. I frowned as my thoughts reeled. It was like a warning that something bad was going to happen but that I had to be strong. What is Brian hiding? We talked about nothing for about an hour longer and then took the horses a long way back. We said thanks and goodbye to the man at the barn and I had a heartfelt moment with Sadie

“We’ll make it. The two of us are strong” I whispered to her and fed her a carrot. We jumped into the car and drove back as the sun began to set. It was early but fall was the beginning of the loss of hours of daylight so even though we had a show to do in about four hours it felt much later when we pulled up to the lot. We walked towards the arena in the wonderfully crisp fall weather with the sunset to our backs. I held Brian's hand tightly, feeling somehow that if I let go the serene calm that had filled me after our excursion would vanish and I would be tossed back into the reality that was my complex love life. We neared the venue in a happy silence and I stopped Brian before we got too close to the backstage entrance that would signal the time for warm ups and hair and makeup and the guy I was avoiding like the plague

"Brian, thank you so much for today. You're right I really needed to get out-" I started but Brian pulled me quickly away from the backstage entrance and towards the side entrance for employees of the arena

"Hey come see what the fan view looks like" He said quickly 

"Do you think we have time? I still need to stretch and get into hair and makeup-" I started but Brian interrupted me and I watched his eyes dart to something behind me and then back to me again nervously

"We have plenty of time. They can’t start the show without us" He said practically pulling my arm out of my socket

"Bri what is the deal? Are you trying to keep me from backstage?" I asked with a sly smile thinking of Josh and his spontaneity. I wonder if he had asked Brian to take me out today to prepare a surprise

"No, why would you think that?" He asked nervously as his eyes flashed over my shoulder again

"Brian you can't even focus on me. Come on. What am I not supposed to see?" I asked trying to duck around him but he sidestepped and blocked my movement

"Kat just don't ok? You've been through a lot and you had such a fun day. Let's just go stretch on stage for a bit and then we can go get ready" He said with worry prominent on his face. My heart sank. So this isn't about Josh. 

"Brian what is it?" I asked trying again and failing to get past him

"Please just trust me Kat? Please?" He begged as my stomach tied in knots

"I have a right to know Brian. I'm a big girl" I said angrily as he blocked my attempt to pass him for a third time "Just let me go!"

"Alright, alright" Brian sighed stepping aside quietly. With a smile of victory I took two fast steps towards the door that led backstage and then stopped dead in my tracks. I had half expected to see Aj waiting to intercept me or perhaps apologize for his message. Well I saw Aj and he was leaning against the backstage door but he wasn't alone. There was a girl about my height with long dark hair with him and when I say with him I mean all over him. They were glued together by the lips and he moved his hands over her curves in a very familiar and lusty way. By the look on her face she was enjoying it as much as I once had

"Who is that?" I asked quietly with my heart hammering in my chest as if it were trying to break free

"Missy, one of his ex girls" Brian said slowly approaching me and putting his hands on my shoulders

"What is she doing here?" I asked as anger quickly replaced my pain. Not only was he making out with this girl but he was doing it in front of the only entrance to the backstage area. Was he hoping I'd see?

"We found out that she was going to be in town yesterday and that Bone was planning on seeing her-" He started and suddenly everything clicked into place

"You didn't just randomly decide to take me out today did you?" I asked and felt Brian shake his head slowly

"She's here until we leave for Scotland so we had a plan. I had you today, Howie tomorrow, Nick and Mollee the next day. Aj promised to keep her away from you but apparently that flew out the window..." He trailed off "Hey let's just get on stage. We don't need to watch this"

"Wait" I said quietly. I was transfixed on his hands and the way he moved them through her hair. I know it's a little strange and maybe even a bit perverse to need to watch an ex make out with another girl but I couldn't look away. I felt like I was searching for something. Some sign that he wasn't enjoying it. That maybe he was still thinking of me.

"I don't know why he's doing this" Brian said quietly but I shook my head

"He's pretty mad at me. He had to walk in on me and Josh I'm sure he just wants me to get a taste of my own medicine" 

"Well that's pretty shitty" Brian said bluntly and I tore my eyes away from the scene to look at him. He wasn't one to swear

"He's in a lot of pain Bri and it's because of me. Maybe I deserve this a little. Maybe that's why I can't walk away" I said sadly and Brian pulled me into a tight hug

"Nothing you did was malicious Kat. You are a beautiful person and you've tried to spare his feelings at every step of this whole mess. What he's doing is wrong. He’s attacking you like an enemy when you've been trying to be a friend. Now come on. If I have to watch him purposely hurt you for another minute I may do something I'll regret" He said scaring me a little at the end of his speech as his words hit home. It was sweet that Brian saw me as the innocent in this but I knew better. Despite what Brian thought I was no better than Aj. I unwrapped myself from Brian's arms and took his hand and let him walk me to the side stage entrance without a backwards glance.

“Where did you just come from?” Howie asked as Brian helped me up on stage

“The arena entrance” I said shortly before plopping down to stretch

“Why?” He asked and Brian shook his head over my shoulder so Howie let it drop

“Hey girlie how was your day?” Mollee asked bounding over to me and squishing me in a big hug

“Brian and I went horseback riding and that was awesome” I said grumpily which made Mollee frown

“Clearly I’m missing something” She said looking at Howie who just shrugged. Brian motioned to her and she went over to him while I pressed my head between my legs and closed my eyes. I immediately regretted that decision because preserved behind my eyelids in perfect detail was that bitch all over Aj

“What an incredible bastard!” Mollee exclaimed and I cringed

“Leave it Molls” I said seriously not needing to meet her eyes to know that she was fuming

“We had a deal, that fucker” She said and Brian actually laughed a bit. Mollee glared at him and he blushed

“Sorry” He said quickly looking down

“Why does my girlfriend look like she’s about to spit fire?” Nick asked walking in with Sophie. I pulled my purse to me and crammed on my headphones so I wouldn’t have to hear the whole play by play between Brian and everyone else. I could practically see it without looking up. Brian would explain and try to make it seem like less of a big deal and Mollee would correct him so it made it seem like Aj had been naked with this girl on my bed. Then Nick would get mad because he’d believe Mollee’s version and Howie and Sophie would try to figure out the truth and I was just in no mood for the whole thing. In fact I didn’t need to stretch out here anymore. I got up and attempted to walk out but when I stood up I found myself face to face with Aj

“Sorry” I said nervously. He met my eyes dead on, daring me to confront him with what I’d seen and I just stared right back. He’d have to make the first move if he wanted to throw down right now

“Oh shit” Nick whispered and was elbowed by Mollee as everyone watched. Aj just blinked at me and when it became clear that I wasn’t going to confront him he just stepped aside and let me pass. I walked back to hair and makeup and got everything done before anyone else came in. Then I found a secluded corner and began to stretch. Then my phone rang.

“Hey” I said with relief at the one voice I really wanted to hear right now

“Hey there bright eyes, what’s shaking?” Josh asked cheerfully, clearly unaware of all the drama, which was how I liked it to be honest

“There’s a whole lot of drama as always. I miss you” I said and meant it. I could almost hear Josh’s smile through the phone

“Want to come watch a movie with me in my hotel room after the show tonight?” He asked

“Nothing would make me happier” I said “But I have to run for huddle up. Meet me backstage after the show?”

“You can count on me” He said sincerely and I smiled wide. I threw my phone with my stuff and ran to make the huddle squishing between Brian and Howie

“You ok?” Howie asked meeting my eyes

“I am” I said confidently which caused Howie to smile. We said the prayer and the cheer and ran to our spots backstage. I dallied a bit on purpose so Aj would get to his spot first so I could just sneak in behind him but he was waiting expectantly when I arrived a minute before the video started. I was in no mood to be hurt in front of him so I quickly decided I was going to pretend I hadn’t seen his public make out session earlier today or gotten a phone message declaring he was over me. The video started and Aj was still staring at me “What?”

“Nothing” He said harshly before turning abruptly back towards the screen. Was he mad at me? What reason did he have to be mad at me? I almost tapped him on the shoulder. I almost grabbed him to make him confront me. I almost screamed at him in front of all the stage hands. Instead I took a deep breath, pulled my hood up and thought of Josh. The show was one of the oddest I had ever been a part of. When Aj and I were on stage together everything was lust and love and pain. Each song seemed to speak directly to us, each breath was synchronized as our hearts beat as one and each touch sent electricity so intense through our bodies that we were both missing steps left and right. But when we stepped off stage Aj was furious at me. He wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t talk to me and wouldn’t even say my name. During one quick change I was accidentally standing in his way but instead of asking me to move, he stood behind me until my quick changer made a comment. I moved aside but the delay caused him to be late for his next entrance. The show was exhausting as we oscillated between the two extremes so when we were done I all but ran into Josh’s waiting arms and allowed him to pull me excitedly off of the lot completely and into his hotel room. We watched the movie innocently enough as I tried to shut my head off from the psychological warfare that had erupted during the show. When it was time to sleep I cuddled in Josh’s arms and stared into the blackness. Unfortunately the thought that stayed in my head was a nagging curiosity about who Aj was holding in his arms tonight.