Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"This is insane"

"Stop it, you'll be great"

"But I get nervous in front of just you, how am I going to do this in front of all those people?"

Standing in front of a wall of mirrors all I could see was my own look of terror. Of course I noticed the wide array of beautiful dancers around me. How could you ignore those perfect lines and amazing spins? But the thing that caught my attention was how unlike my usual self I looked when I was anxious. My long, straight, chocolate brown hair seemed to be sprouting small curls around my forehead like weeds as I bullied it into a ponytail. I tried to straighten the curls, force them to be long enough to tuck behind my ears, but to no avail. My hair was thick and straight until you got me sweating, then it was curl city framing my face. And I was sweating now. Oh god, we haven't even started dancing yet I am already sweating.

"Oh god I'm already sweating. They aren't even going to let me dance because I'm so disgusting" I sighed while focusing on my panic-stricken eyes. My eyes were by far the best feature I had. Unfortunately, they also caused me the most trouble. At the moment they were stormy grey but they could range from electric blue, striking silver and emerald green all depending on my mood. My own little mood rings my sister jokingly called them. Normally I tried not to let people know when I was hurting or sad but with these eyes and the right knowledge you could read me like a book. It was endlessly annoying.

"Everyone will be sweating. And if they don't let you dance then we are both leaving" my sister said grabbing my shoulders and trying to shake the tension out of them. My sister has a lot of things I envy - her height (I am a small 5'2 while she stands at a striking 5'7), her sense of humor, and of course her courage. Nothing ever seems to get her anxious. She is my rock. She is also the reason I’m here about to humiliate myself in front of hundreds of amazing dancers and four very handsome men. 

"Mollee" I sighed. Her blond hair curled in perfect ringlets as she stretched her leg up, letting it brush right next to her ear "I can't do this"

"Kat" she sighed back at me. All at once I was struck by how similar we were, how close to the same person we could be. It made me giggle and she raised her eyebrow "You are so weird. Take a deep breath. You are the best dancer I've ever seen and this is your chance. You can do this" Best dancer was an exaggeration but I can admit that I am good. I’m really good. Dancing was something I'd always done, always loved, and always excelled at. Mollee was great. She had great technique and had been dancing as long as I had, but I was always able to portray emotion so much more convincingly than her. It made me stand apart. I’d tried on multiple occasions to explain it to her so she could understand and use my trick but it never worked. "You were born with it" she'd say with a smile. "I got the height, you got the power"

Suddenly a cute black man stepped to the front of the room and everyone fell silent.

"Alright, let’s get things going. I’m Fly and I'll teach you all three eight counts and then we'll do it in fours. I'll tell you right then if you need to stay or go. If I ask you to stay, quietly make your way to the back of the studio and wait until we get through everyone. If I ask you to go, quietly grab your belongings and head out. Alright, let’s have some fun"

My sister jumped into position at the front of the group and I shrunk to the back. Being short made being a "back line" dancer difficult, but I couldn't stand being up front like Mollee. She rolled her eyes as she looked to her left, hoping to see me there, but knowing where I would be headed. I caught her eye from the back of the room and gave her a small and apologetic smile. This was just how I did things and she knew that. I keep a low profile before I really turn it on and impress. She’s the one who was always calling me the silent storm.  

Fly laid out the dance. It wasn't difficult. It was very stylized with lots of small but precise movements and very sexy and in your face. Mollee would rock it. I might get by. After the counts were taught we tried it once with all two hundred or so dancers with the music. 

"5, 6, 7, 8 this seems so hypnotic, smoke and mirrors, lights and magic, paper faces in gold. There're soldier boys, beauty queens, everyone's a mystery. It's got me losing control" Fly spoke over the lyrics as the song blared. Hearing their voices made my heart jump. I was a huge fan of the music and had been since I was little but I'd never met them, never seen them face to face, but they had to be here somewhere to help make the final call. After all, the four girls chosen would be dancing with them for almost a year, they should have some say. 

"It's a masquerade, a love parade, so won't you stay and dance with me? All through the night and day, my masquerade, I need you baby, so stay with me tonight" The dance fit in anywhere in the song so we let it keep playing through the bridge and caught it for a second time at the chorus. Then the music was cut off and we all moved to the sides of the studio. 

"Ok, when I call your name please step out onto the floor in the order I call you. If you are out of order we won't know who you are and we won't be able to ask you to stay through to round two. Ok, Camilla Vasquez, Rachel Reuben, Sally Archer and Lisa Ward, let’s see it" It was then, as the first girls moved into place that I saw them. Sitting at a table, looking mildly bored by the proceedings, were the Backstreet Boys. On the far right Nick was bouncing his knee and occasionally hitting the table causing pens to roll in all directions. Next to him Howie pushed down on his leg and gave him a look which made him sit up straighter. He leaned back and flicked something behind Howie's back into Brian who was next in line. Brian caught it without missing a beat and threw it back causing Aj, who was on the far left, to stifle a laugh. Well at least they weren't paying attention. That would help my nerves a bit. I glanced around for Mollee and found her smiling like an idiot at me from across the room. Her opinion on the dance was clear in her eyes - easy - and the excitement from that news echoed in her face. She was older than me by almost 3 years but sometimes she was such a kid. But her enthusiasm was contagious and I waved my hand in a gesture that said "piece of cake" and her grin grew larger. It was her dream to tour with a band as a dancer. It was her ultimate goal in life to make sure that I was on said tour with her.

"Alright, Camilla you can stay. Everyone else thank you very much. Next four are Cara Strong, Lisa Ray, Arianna Feldman and Christine Brown" Oh good. Not me, not my sister. I know I should be watching the other dancers, silently marking the dance to make sure I know it, but I was drawn to the table with the guys. Nick was trying his hardest to stay focused and Howie was seeing to it that he did. Brian was making silly faces to anyone who would glance his way and then I looked at Aj. My heart skipped a beat. He was staring directly at me. I immediately flushed red and looked at the ground - the worst response if you want to pretend you haven't locked eyes with someone - and I swear over the music I could hear him laugh a little. I did a quick mental recall to see if I had been doing anything embarrassing when he looked over. I wasn't picking my nose or a wedgie, I wasn't flattening my curls and I wasn't staring open mouthed into space. Why was he looking at me? I chanced a glance up and saw he was focused now on the dancers in front of him - all of whom were asked to leave - and I sighed. I probably imagined it. Why would he look at me, anyway? I was pulled abruptly out of my thoughts when I heard Mollee's name. She bound forward to the spot right in front of Nick and I saw him flash her that familiar look of appreciation. It was the one most guys who passed my tall blonde beauty of a sister gave. She was hard not to admire even I had to admit that. She glanced at me over her shoulder and I gave her big smile. She smiled back and then zeroed in. My sister knew how to get to business when there was business to be had. The music started from the chorus and she tore it up. I may be biased because she is family but she was clearly the best dancer so far. I was beyond proud.

"I'll keep Mollee and Elise, everyone else, thank you for your time." Mollee ran to me and I caught her in a hug before she skidded to the back of the room. I felt a focus on me and glanced away from my sister only to confront the same pair of brown eyes. There was no denying it this time. Aj McLean was staring at me. This was absurd. I glanced up to the ceiling this time to avoid his gaze. Four more dancers were called and the music started and I waited for him to find something else to interest him but the moments passed and I still felt his eyes. Then I started getting frustrated. Who is he that he thinks he can intimidate me by staring at me? This is probably a game to him. Find the most nervous girl in the room and stare her down until she breaks down completely and flees, heartbroken and crying. He and Brian probably had a bet on how long I'd last. Nope. Not going to happen. I looked determinedly up and right back into his eyes. "Bring it on" I said quietly to myself and he flinched as if he could hear the determination in my voice. When he re-focused he seemed even more perplexed and then he mouthed something to me. 

"Hey"

The look I returned was meant to express my utter shock and confusion at being singled out in a room of hundreds of beautiful girls by a Backstreet Boy but clearly it had more anger implied than I intended because Aj looked away, slightly hurt. Well good. Let him leave me alone. I have something to accomplish. My sister got through and now I needed to follow suit. I tried to push the incident out of my head and forced myself to mark the dance while the next four tried it. Three were kept and the choreographer consulted his list. 

"Amy Rhodes, Laura Trap, May Forbes, Katrina Blackwell" My heart jumped a little and I hurried to the last spot - right in front of Aj. Damn it. He looked at me like I were a puzzle he was trying to figure out and I waited for the music to cue to a portion we could jump into. I knew what lyrics were coming and I figured if Aj wanted to stare, then I would use it.

"I gotta know the girl behind the mask. Let me in, where've you been, don't pretend. Don't gotta hide alone. Show your face to me. We could be everything" played and I danced for Aj, teasing him, becoming the woman those lyrics were meant for, letting the sexual moves draw him in, and closing the gap at the end by turning abruptly away. He seemed shocked at the end as I stared him down. 

"Alright, I'll be keeping Katrina, everyone else you can go" I heard off in the distance. I stayed a fraction of a second too long locked in a gaze with Aj. He raised his eyebrows at me and as I shook myself mentally, I noticed I was the only one still standing in the middle of the floor from my group. I blushed and rushed back to the waiting arms of my sister and tried to catch my breath. I probably did not breathe once in that whole minute. How long was I staring at him? Was it an hour? Was it a day? 

"Kat, what were you DOING!?" Mollee asked as she brought me to a back corner and the music started again.

"What do you mean? I was dancing" I answered her, still trying to shake myself from the lingering intensity of his gaze.

"Ok, you basically just had dance sex with Aj McLean. And he liked it." Mollee said as I gave her a look of disbelief. 

"You could tell!?" I asked quickly as she rolled her eyes

"Jesus girl, I thought you were going to jump into his lap! I mean, it worked, you were amazing as always, but it was risky! What if he thinks you're some stalker?"

"Well he started it" I grouched sliding down the wall until I was sitting on the floor

"What?" I relayed the whole staring incident in the intricate detail only a sister would demand and when I was done she was looking at me with an open mouth.

"If you get a date from this, I'm going to be so pissed" She said as I smiled. Suddenly the whole thing seemed much funnier, hysterical even. I had a hard time keeping it together as I processed my sister's words.

"Oh yeah Moll, I'm TOTALLY going to get a date with Aj McLean.” I said sarcastically through a laugh

"Well, you should have seen the way he was looking at you!" Mollee retorted, annoyed at not being taken seriously

"Did you see the way Nick was looking at you? Maybe you guys are soul mates. Maybe he's looking for a ring right now" I teased pushing her. I was my duty as a younger sister to annoy the crap out of Mollee on a daily basis. It was a job I took seriously.

"Oh shut up. You're lucky I don't deck you right now" She grumbled as she slumped next to me. I laid my head in her lap and stared up at the ceiling, thinking over Aj and his every look while the minutes became hours and every girl danced. By the end there were about 40 of us left and it was all I could do to get Masquerade out of my head. 

"Ok congratulations everyone. I'm going to pair you up with a guy by height and then we will learn a partnering number. You will all get one chance to perform it with the guys and at the very end I'll let you know who has made it on to the final round. Line up please. Guys, if you will" Fly motioned to the guys and they stood and stretched. They spaced themselves evenly and we all lined up single file while Fly began to size us up. 

"Definitely Nick" he said pointing Mollee to the tall blonde. Thinking of our earlier conversation I giggled a bit and she shot me look as Fly approached me. Not Aj. Not Aj. Let it be anyone but Aj.

"Let's try Katrina with Aj" I heard above me and my knees almost gave out. Why was this happening? Why me? I crept back to the end of Aj's line which luckily had three girls in it already so I was able to all but disappear as Aj joked with Nick. I glanced at Mollee and she mouthed "Calm down, you're fine" while I tried to take deep breaths. I did not need this added pressure.

"Ok, these are the counts, I'm showing them twice so pay attention" I heard as I focused immediately on the task at hand. The partnering was a little more difficult, especially learning it without a partner, but I was familiar with the feeling and when we ran it to "Bigger" I couldn't help but feel my confidence soar. I could perform the heck out of this song. The first four girls and their respective Backstreet Boys took their places as the rest of us slunk off to the sides. I saw that of course Mollee was first in her line and was performing first because of it. I sent her all the positive mental energy I could muster and smiled big as I watched her rock it. She played with Nick a little who seemed happy to have her as a partner and she nailed every step. A few of the girls really folded under the pressure which was all the better for Mollee. She was kicking butt. I waited patiently while everyone cycled through. I was at the end of the line and thus was able to psych myself up before I had to confront Aj. In the time it took for all 9 other groups to go, I had successfully managed to convince myself that it was all in my head. I walked up to him and he stuck out his hand.

"I'm Aj" He said as I looked skeptically at his outstretched hand.

"I know" I said ignoring the hand in my intense state of focus. I was not going to lose this opportunity because of some guy. Even if it was some very good looking guy.

"5, 6, 7, 8 But you don't care. You keep sticking around despite how silly it sounds. You're bigger than me" played and I nailed the dance. Aj and I had some natural chemistry that was for sure. The beginning half was teasing. I spun away from him, glancing over my shoulder to watch his reaction as I locked each move into place. Finally I had to lay my hand in his and a shock of sheer adrenaline coursed through my hand where we had touched. It threw me for half a beat but then I quickly pulled into the spin. He dropped to his knees in a stylized version of crawling to me and I placed my hand on the side of his face, bringing him up to my level. We ended the dance staring into each other’s eyes, half an inch separating our faces, breathing heavily onto each other’s lips.

And then time stopped. I saw in his eyes a deep understanding of loss and pain mixed with the excitement of new opportunities and some sheer goofiness. In that minute, hour, day of standing there I felt I instantly knew him. He was an amazing guy. The kind of guy you’d want with you forever.

“Alright, very nice, give me a second to talk with the guys and I’ll give you our top ten” Fly’s voice drifted to me from what seemed like a million miles away.

“Come on Bone” I heard Brian say as time sped up to the present in an instant. It was disorienting and I staggered a little until I felt a hand at my elbow.

“Kat, let’s get some water” I heard Mollee say. And then it was done. I was somehow walking out in the hall with my sister next to me. When we got to a private corner she whipped in front of me and took my face in her hands. “You are RIDICULOUS”

“What? Why?” I asked, finally starting to process things again. I was in the hallway outside of a dance studio in Manhattan with my big sister. I just danced with Aj McLean. No. Not danced. We’d connected.

“You were amazing, number one and number two you had Aj wrapped around your finger. What, do you think if you can get a backstreet boy to fall in love with you that you’ll be guaranteed a job?”

“Thanks. And no I don’t want anyone in love with me. We just have good chemistry on the dance floor I guess” I shook myself mentally, trying to convince myself of my own words as I watched them fail to convince my sister.

“Whatever you say, all I know is after that, you’re getting this job. Come on” And she grabbed my hand and led me back into the room. When we got in it seemed like all the dancers were staring at me. I had to be imagining that though. I wasn’t one to stand out. I glanced, almost instinctually, up to where the guys were, where Aj was, and I saw him trying to focus on the conversation in front of him. Then, as if I had called his name, he turned and looked at me. I gave him a small smile. He returned it.

“Ok ladies. I’ll leave this list here at the table of our top 10. Then the boys and I are going to take a lunch break. You all have 3 hours and the use of the four dance studios on this floor to make up some original choreography to any of the boys songs to solidify your spot on the ‘This is Us’ tour. We only need 30 seconds so use your time wisely. We’ll see you at 4:00 sharp.” And then the paper was dropped on the table and after a second of processing, the mad herd of 40 girls descended upon the table. I held back and watched Mollee enter the fray. She got to the paper in no time and over the heads of the other dancers I saw her grin widen as she held two thumbs up.

“Congrats” I heard from behind me. I whipped around and almost fell over to find Aj a mere foot away.

“Th-thanks” I stuttered like an idiot, sweeping my forehead of my curls and looking at my feet.

“You deserved it. You gave me a real run for my money” He said sweetly.

“Hey, I was just trying to keep up with you” I said quietly, still avoiding his eyes lest I fall into another time-stopping stupor.

“Do you have any ideas for the choreography yet?” He asked as I shook my head no “Well, if you want some pointers, I’ll be back in about a half hour with some lunch. Want to meet in the dance studio at the far end of the hall?”

“Uh, yeah, I mean, if you’re not too busy or something…” I stammered trying hard to keep it together and force myself to believe this was really happening.

“I'm not busy. Want any food?” He asked. He seemed like he was trying to get something from me, or maybe verify something, I couldn’t tell. All I knew was I was talking to Aj McLean and he was offering to get me lunch and help me land an amazing job.

“Sure, anything, I mean, whatever you get I’ll eat too. I mean, I’ll eat one of mine and you can eat one…” I trailed off staring at my shoes. Could I sound more stupid?

“Hey, why do you do that?” He asked seeming somewhat frustrated.

“Do what?” I asked as I watched his rings glint from his fingers as his side.

“Hide your eyes. They are stunning” He said and I froze as he gently brought his hand to my chin and lifted it so our eyes met.

“Thanks” I said quietly as he smiled and turned to leave the room. I touched the spot on my chin where his hand had just been. It felt like it was on fire, like his fingers had burnt an imprint onto my cheek.

“Ok. What was that?” I braced myself as Mollee rushed over to me and slammed me into a hug. “One minute I’m congratulating you on making the list and the next you’re all flirty-faced with Aj McLean! And now I hear that you’re meeting with him to help with choreography?!”

“It’s not nice to eavesdrop” I said heading back to the corner our stuff was in and trying to make my way to the studio at the end of the hall before anyone else could claim it.

“I’m your sister. It’s what I do. Explain!” She demanded, grabbing her stuff and following me down the hall. I gave her the play by play and she punched me in the arm.

“Ouch! Jesus, what was that for!?”

“You totally just got a date.”

“He’s just helping me with some choreography” I retorted while rubbing my arm.

“He’s bringing lunch. It’s a lunch date.” I gave her a look and sighed “Ok, ok. I’ll drop it. We’ll talk about something boring. What am I going to do for the choreography? I mean, you have help. What am I going to do?”

“You should do something fast and peppy. You’ll totally shine” I said happy for the new topic of conversation. Every mention of Aj’s name had my heart pounding out of my chest. I’d need all of my energy if I was going to make it through this little tutoring session. Or lunch date.

“I think a lot of the girls will go with stuff from the new album. Think I should go retro?” She asked grabbing an apple from her bag and taking a bite.

“Let’s see” I said grabbing my ipod. “Oh man. I found the perfect one. Let’s have a party. It’s so old school they will think it’s hysterical and you can totally make a goofy and fun dance to it. And Nick sings the whole thing so you know it’ll get his attention”

“Is it just me or does he become more attractive every time you look at him?” She sighed taking another bite of an apple.

“Oh, it’s not just you” I said with a grin. I worked with Mollee for a little while and didn’t hear the door open behind me as I tried to help her land the loop sequence she was stuck on.

“I’m not you Kat! I can’t hit everything perfectly the first time!” Mollee said with mounting frustration after missing the step into the switch leap.

“Molls, I’m here for you. I’m not perfect and you know that. All you have to do is keep the momentum up instead of forward. You’re travelling enough on your own. Think up, up, up. Here” I rewound the music to right before the chorus.

“Let’s have a party. Everybody throw your hands up in the air. Everybody I like the way you swing yeah” I sang along as I ran into the first prep for the loop, landed it and took it into the switch leap. Then, for comedic purposes, I ran up to my sister and started shoving my butt in her face. “You know you like the way I swing Mollee, oh yeah!” I giggled as she looked at me with wide eyes. “What?”

“We have company” She said as I froze. I turned slowly on the spot to see Aj holding a sandwich and fighting back a laugh.

“I didn’t see a thing” He said quickly as I ran to stop the music and flushed tomato red.

“That’s a shame. She’s a sexy piece, my sister. I’m Mollee” Mollee said with a laugh, fearless as always, before offering her hand to Aj.

“I’m Aj. So you can tell me your name, why not your sister?” He asked

“What do you mean?” I asked quietly, still too mortified to have much of a voice

“You totally rejected my introduction when I offered it to you at the audition. Howie thought I’d pissed you off and proceeded to tell me off for offending one of the few talented dancers in the room” Aj explained sitting on the floor and handing me my sandwich while motioning for me to join him.

“I didn’t mean to reject it I was just focused. I’m Kat” I said, too miffed at the attack to enjoy the compliment

“I know” He replied cheekily as I blushed, if it was at all possible, redder.

“That’s my sister, a real workaholic” Mollee said with a grin as I shot her a look “Well, I’ll be going. I think I’ll finish my dance myself little sis, but I may add your ass rubbing move into it, if it’s ok with you”

“You can stay if you want, we could both help” I said quickly as Mollee rolled her eyes and grabbed her stuff.

“I don’t need you two. I’m a star!” She said pretending to be a huge diva as she flipped her hair and bounded out of the room with a small wink to me. The door shut behind her with a deafening click and I turned to my sandwich, still too embarrassed to confront Aj head on and took a bite.

“Your sister is something” Aj said taking a sip from his juice “Is that what you’re like when you’re not so nervous?”

“I’m afraid I’m never ‘not so nervous’” I joked proving my point as I brushed my drink with my arm and almost spilled it all over myself. In an act of amazing and admirable coordination Aj caught it just before it tipped and handed it back to me

“I see. I think it’s cute” He said as I scoffed.

“Sure. So what song do you have in mind for the audition?” I asked, finishing as much of the sandwich as I could in my state of nerves and wrapping up the rest. At least when I’m dancing I have a bit more control over myself.

“Well, what’s your strength?” Aj asked stuffing the rest of his sandwich in his mouth before following me to the middle of the floor.

“Well I guess it would be my emotions. As you can see I’m kind of a mess but when I focus my emotions…” I trailed off. This wasn’t making any sense. Why couldn’t I speak normally in front of him?

“You are very effective” He said “I remember”

“Yeah, sorry about that” I said remembering my almost attacking him at the audition via dance.

“Don’t be. It was incredible to be on the receiving end of. Ok, so why don’t we look into something passionate? Maybe something slow, but meaningful? What is something that you get really affected by?” He asked. Oh what an easy question. Is this normal first date information?

“Well…” I started, debating on the truth or a lie. I looked at his eyes for the first time since he sat down and saw what I had understood at the audition. I saw truth and honesty. I saw someone I could trust. “Someone really hurt me once. I know I can’t really listen to Shattered because it reminds me of that”

“Alright let’s see what you can do” He said grabbing my ipod and cueing it up. I can’t believe I just talked about Rich. I’d met someone I could finally connect with and here I was, bringing up an ex. Not just any ex either but the mother of all exes. The one that tore me up so badly I didn’t think I’d be able to move on.

The music started and I felt tears leap into my eyes. Aj saw but pretended he didn’t and I took a deep breath.

“So empty, can't feel no more, as I'm left with my tears on the floor. I wait for my heart to mend, but you keep tearing a hole” played over the speakers. I just danced out everything. The dance started out nice and fluid and then we got to the second half of the verse and the violence that erupted in the relationship crept through into the dance. It became more rigid, I fell to the floor and flew across the room, tensing my muscles, alternating sharp and fast with slow and tense. The chorus ended and I hit the end of my emotional rope. It had been a trying day already and I could feel I was about to lose it. I ended quickly and hit pause on the ipod before sitting down and catching my breath.

“You ok?” Aj asked sitting down cautiously next to me. I could feel all the emotions from that time not so long ago raging in my racing pulse. The reason we moved to Manhattan, to get lost in a big city where he could never find us. The reason I was so constantly anxious. I could feel it spinning out of control. I could feel his rough hands on my arms, my back up against the cold wall, his terrifying yell and my helpless scream. “Here, deep breaths. Come on, you can do it. In. Out. There we go. Breathe sweetie, in and out.” Aj put his arm around me and pulled me into his chest. I inhaled his cologne and it calmed me down. I slowly felt his warmth permeate my body and my breathing came slower and slower as I felt my control slip back into place. With it came the walls though, and I quickly became rigid in his arms.

“I’m Ok. Sorry. I’m just… sorry” I said quickly pushing away from him and looking away. One tear escaped and I wiped my eyes quickly, hoping he hadn’t seen.

“Hey. I’ve got things in my past too. Sometimes they are so painful and intense that I can’t take it. It’s ok. You’re ok” He said softly. He didn’t try to hug me again, that was out of the question, but he put his hand on mine and I allowed his fingers to wrap between mine. “You are incredible, if it helps”

“Thanks. I don’t know if I can do that in front of everyone. Perhaps we should pick something easier?” I asked. Just then the door opened loudly behind us and I jumped, still pretty fragile.

“Sorry, thought the room was empty. Oh. Hey. You’re Aj, right?” A tall red head sauntered in. She was the typical dancer I would avoid, the kind that attracted drama like a magnet. The kind who was beautiful and she knew it with the uncanny ability to smell weakness in dancers like me and take advantage of it.

“Uh, yeah, hi… Camilla?” Aj guessed. I watched as her eyes took in our interlocked hands and I pulled mine away quickly. Smooth.

“Yeah, Camie is fine. Well, if I’m interrupting something I’ll just leave…”

“No, nothing, he was just leaving” I said quickly as Aj shot me a stunned look. I stood up and opened the door for him indicating he should go.

“It’s ok, I can help you with something else” He said quickly. The look of hurt in his eyes was apparent and I shied away from it. I didn’t want to hurt him but I couldn’t do this. Not now. Not like this.

“Hey, I could use some help” Camie said taking his arm and dragging him out the door

“Alright I guess. Good luck Kat” He said quickly before Camie shut the door between us. I sat back on the floor and put my head in my hands. What was I doing? Did I really just kick Aj McLean out of a dance studio when he had offered to help me? Why was I so messed up? It took me a few minutes but I finally was able to shake off most of what had happened. Aj’s eyes as he left stayed with me though. But then I figured I’d do what I always did with emotions I couldn’t handle. I’d use it to dance.

“Hey girl, you ready to do this?” Mollee asked a few hours later. I’d seen nothing more from Aj or Camie but I had a sick dance down and I was happy with it. “You ok?”

“Yeah I’m fine. And I’m ready” I said standing and gathering my things.

“It's time for an eye check!” She piped and I groaned “Come on. Let’s see if something is really wrong”

“Mollee please, we don’t want to be late” I said trying to dodge her but she used her height to block my exit and forced my eyes to meet hers.

“You're silver. What happened?” She asked matter-of-factly. Silver was the color of sadness and of heartache. It was a color my eyes had been all too frequently lately.

“Nothing, my song is just really intense and it gets to me. It’s good though, I’m using my strength” I said trying to pull away

“Asshole" She said simply. She wouldn’t even say Rich’s name after what had happened. We referred to him as asshole in private and A.H in public.

“Yeah but it is ok. It’s a kick ass performance” I said with a small smile as she pulled me into a hug

“I’ll still do it. I’ll still find him and ruin his life. Just say the word” She said as I sighed

“My answer is still no. Come on, let’s just dance” I said taking her hand and leading her into the room where all the guys now were and most of the dancers. I purposely looked away from the table where I knew Aj would be lounging. I had lied to Mollee. My dance wasn’t about Rich. Not really. I didn’t want to break down in front of everyone so I decided against Shattered and chose a song that reflected that look in Aj’s eyes. That look that was full of hurt and rejection. I was hoping if I did my job right that I could make up for causing that look. He had been nothing but nice, it’s not his fault that I’m broken.

“Alright everyone, any volunteers to go first?” Fly asked. To everyone’s surprise, including mine, I stood up.

“I’m ready” I said, giving him my ipod cued to the middle of Inconsolable. I took the middle of the floor and caught Aj’s eye. “Sorry” I mouthed right before the music played.

“Oh oh no, no I don't want to be like this. I just want to let you know. 'Cause everything that I hold in is everything I can't let go. Oh, I can't let go” Played and I danced my soul out. I thought of that hurt look in Aj’s eyes and how many times I’d felt that hurt too. I poured it out into the chorus and ended on the floor. At first there was silence and then wild applause. I stood up and glanced to my sister who had her mouth open and then I looked at Aj. He smiled and clapped loudly with the rest of them. I took a seat next to Mollee and she grabbed my hand.

“It wasn’t about Asshole you liar, but it was beautiful” She whispered to me before getting up. “I’m next”

She rocked her dance and it was the perfect contrast to mine, almost a statement of who we both were. Phenomenal dancers, sure, but she was the fun, playful one. I was dark and broody. It was something I’d come to accept. Mollee ended her dance by throwing her shirt (she had a leotard underneath) at Nick and he smiled wide before wrapping it around his wrist. She came back over to me and I congratulated her. There was no way anyone would be able to beat that.

The rest of the dancers took their turns in a painstakingly slow process. I was used to being last and thus being so nervous that the other dancers hardly registered to me. Having gone first I was suffering through watching each girl, knowing I was better, and trying to appear supportive on the outside. One girl did a dance to “I want it that way” which was a horrible choice considering how often the guys must have to deal with it not to mention that it’s a difficult song to dance to. I glanced at Aj out of what seemed like habit and he made a face that said he clearly wasn’t impressed either. I giggled and looked down quickly. When I looked back, he raised his eyebrows and pointed his fingers at his eyes and then at mine. The message was clear. Stop hiding your eyes from me. I stuck out my tongue a little at him and then felt a whole other pair of eyes boring into me. From the side, Camie was glaring at me as she waited to dance. You’d think I’d murdered a family member from the vibes she was sending.

“What did you do to piss her off?” I heard Mollee whisper from my side. Clearly she had noticed Camie’s death stare.

“She walked in on Aj helping me and I think she was mad that I was getting his attention” I explained. I didn’t really know what to do with the idea of someone being jealous of me. It just wasn’t something that happened. Especially if you knew what I’d been through.

“Well, she better quit looking at you like that if she wants that pretty little nose of hers to stay on her face” Mollee whispered harshly. That was my big sister alright, protective to a fault.

“Down girl, down” I joked, taking her hand. Finally all the dancers were done and the guys were having a powwow with Fly. I shifted anxiously as Mollee gave me a shoulder rub to keep me calm. The anticipation, however, was getting to her too and I noticed she’d flinch any time one of the guys would move. I, on the other hand, was focused on one guy in particular. The anxiety of getting the job mixed with the anxiety of the thought of leaving this place without saying goodbye to him and possibly never seeing him again was enough to make me crazy.

“Could this take any longer?” Mollee asked, flopping next to me from where she had been working at my back.

“I feel you” I said absent mindedly braiding her hair. Finally, after what seemed like ages, Fly turned and addressed the group.

“Ok everyone. We were really impressed but we only have room for four dancers on the tour. Their names are on this paper. If your name is here, congratulations and please grab one of these info sheets which will tell you all about rehearsals and where you need to be. If not, don’t be discouraged and keep dancing. You are all wonderful.” And with that the paper that contained my destiny fluttered to the table. Yet one of my anxieties was overriding the other and while all the girls rushed to the table with the paper, I rushed slightly to the paper’s left to tap Aj on the shoulder.

“Hey. Aren’t you going to see if you made it?” Aj asked with a grin

“Yeah I will but I thought this was more important. I’m sorry I’m messed up and that I put that on you. You were so nice offering to help me and if I didn’t apologize and if the last thing you thought was that I was ungrateful than I’d never forgive myself” I said in one breath. Aj broke into a wide grin and I had to join him in laughing at my ridiculousness. Here I was, wasting time, while a major move in my career may or may not be written on a piece of paper a foot from where I stood.

“You know, you’re a little crazy. But I like that in a girl” Aj said catching a piece of hair that had unwound from my ponytail and tucking it behind my ear. Again my skin burned where he touched it and it was like I couldn’t pull myself away.

“Well I’ve got plenty of crazy to go around” I stammered, trying to recover my composure after his touch. The silence between us began to grow long as I realized I may never see him again. Already it seemed that I counted on him for something. It was so new and undefined, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew that if I had to go home now and never return to his beautiful eyes that my life would somehow be amiss.

“You’re thinking awfully hard” Aj said breaking the silence

“I’m trying to think of some way to make sure that this isn’t the last time we see each other” I blurted out. Well the truth was better than nothing, right?

“Can I tell you a secret?” He asked with a smirk. I nodded. “You’ll be seeing a lot of me. Welcome to the tour”

“Wait, Really? Are you serious!?!?” I yelled and he broke into a loud laugh as I started jumping up and down. Suddenly I was in his arms and we were inches apart again. How did I always end up here? And why was it that I never wanted to leave?

“Congratulations Kat” He said quietly while putting me back on my feet.

“Thanks” I said shyly “So I guess I’ll see you soon”

“You definitely will. See you soon. Bye Mollee” Aj said as Mollee approached with the paper in her hands

“So are you interested in this whole job thing or is flirting more important?” Mollee asked tapping her toe angrily on the ground. I watched Aj turn the corner and then forced myself to focus.

“Oh Molls, I love you!” I said flinging myself on her. I was on cloud nine. I began to imagine life on a bus that was never far from Aj. I would be dancing with him every night all around the world and having him hold me in his arms…“Oh shit!” I said just realizing the fatal flaw in my daydream “You’re in right? You have to be in!”

“Of course I am you loser” She said trying to stay annoyed but unable to in the face of such good news. I squealed loudly and started jumping up and down with my sister. This was unreal. ‘This is Us’ tour, here we come!