Chapter 32

Chapter 32

I woke up the next day with a million emotions running through my head. Contentment over a beautiful Christmas, excitement after another nightmare-free night, and something unnamable that pulled at my insides with a dreadful force. I frowned at myself as I searched my mind for what could possibly be sending pulses of fear through me. I was nervous about seeing the doctors but this was something so much more. I rolled over to take comfort in Aj, knowing seeing and feeling his body would help me clear my head but he wasn’t there.

“Aj?” I called carefully swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and using my foot to bring the wheelchair over towards me

“Precious!” I heard echo through the house before thundering footsteps and an out of breath face appeared at my door “You’re awake!”

“I am! And guess what?” I asked with a tentative smile

“No nightmares?”

“No nightmares”

“That’s my girl” Aj said coming over and giving me a hug. Something small settled in my core at his touch but the lingering dread remained in the background. I hastily pushed it aside.

“Where were you?” I asked as he helped me into my wheelchair

“Cleaning up and getting everything together for your appointment. It’s in two hours but we should leave in an hour because traffic will be terrible. Want to take a shower?” Aj asked with more than a hint of his own nerves

“Desperately, but I don’t think I can” I said stretching out my side a little and feeling for the familiar tenderness in my ribs. It was still there without a doubt and a small shot of panic ran through my stomach accompanied by another swell of that deep dread.

“Au contraire” Aj said with a grin “Let me show you how you can shower”

“After you” I said hiding my worry with a smile. Aj lead me into the bathroom and opened the large shower door for me revealing a marble seat “Did you have this put in for me?”

“Um… no” Aj said bashfully so I raised my eyebrow at him “It’s something I put in to aid with… other… shower…activities…”

“What?” I asked completely confused. Aj looked at me, exasperated but I just shook my head again

“Shower sex, Kat. The seat gives nice leverage for shower sex” He said and I let out a laugh that helped me feel a little better

“Well why didn’t you say so?” I said with a smirk “Help me disrobe?”

“Always” He said shaking his head at my silliness. When I was completely undressed Aj turned the water on and took his clothes off while I stood, leaning most of my weight on the counter. When the water was hot enough Aj helped me sit before following.

“So when do you think we will be able to use this for its intended purpose?” I asked smoothing water over the surface of the shower seat. Maybe getting lost in each other’s bodies would help me feel normal again

“I don’t know precious. We’ll have to ask the doctor” Aj teased detaching one of the three shower heads and bringing it down to my level

“I’ll leave that question for you to ask” I said quickly. Aj laughed a little and then kneeled in front of me, maneuvering the shower head so I could clean my whole body. The spray danced on my skin and I sighed, dropping my head between my shoulders. I opened my eyes after a moment and saw the angry black skin on my injured side “This would be pretty hot if it weren’t so sad”

“Hey, it’s still hot” Aj said handing me the shower head so he could put soap on a loofah. Ever so tenderly he scrubbed my body clean, starting at my toes and making his way up over my stomach, around to my back, over my chest and on my neck. When he reached my face his eyes met mine and I let out a breath of steam and lust. “I’ve missed that”

“Missed what?” I asked breathlessly

“That eye color, that deep velvet blue. It’s so nice to know that after everything I can still make you feel so good” Aj answered softly by my ear before taking a slow nibble at my earlobe

“If only my body didn’t resemble my eye color” I said self consciously motioning to the multitude of black and blues I was sporting

“Hey” Aj said gently caressing my cheeks so he could bring his eyes to mine “What’s wrong? You were so happy yesterday”

“I’m sorry. I guess I’m just nervous. What if I never get better?” I whispered to him. Hot water poured and steamed off of the two of us and when Aj pressed his body to mine in a hug I couldn’t help but sigh as the electricity travelled through my body at every wet and warm contact point between us

“You are already getting better. I promise Kat, I wouldn’t lie to you about that” Aj said softly and I nodded. It didn’t erase my nerves, or address my lingering bad feeling, but it did help push it all back a bit. We finished the shower in silence before Aj helped me into a towel and in front of a vanity mirror. He went to his closet to find clothes so I took the moment to dry my hair straight and put on some light makeup. I studied my reflection, trying to see if any real progress had been made in my bruising. Things seemed a little lighter generally and my throat seemed to resemble less of a hand print and more of a large, blob bruise so I hoped that was good progress. Maybe Aj was right. Maybe things really were going to be ok. Aj helped me dress in nice jeans and a blue tank top with a flowing tan cardigan over the top. I put on some converse so I wouldn’t have to tangle with a heel if they wanted to see how I walked. What if they said I could walk without the chair? What if they said I couldn’t? I swallowed down another wave of that ugly feeling.

We drove to the hospital with the radio on. Aj sang happily along but I was a bundle of nerves. I played with the ends of my cardigan until they started to fray so I put them down and began picking at my nails

“I used to do that” Aj said with a slight frown “I used make my fingers bleed by picking at them too much”

“Oh? I didn’t even realize I was doing it” I said distractedly

“Everything will be ok, Kat. This is just a check up and the hospital staff are some of the best in the country” Aj said in what I bet he thought was a comforting tone of voice

“Your right” I said forcing a smile “I’ll just be glad when it’s over”

“We’re here” Aj said pulling up to the front of the building. A nurse came to my door and opened it for me while Aj ran around and got my wheel chair. She helped me in and then Aj went to hop back in the car but I grabbed his hand

“Please don’t leave me alone” I said in a panic. All I could see were all the different men I didn’t know and that terrible feeling was growing inside me, reaching its claws from my belly to scrape along my insides, getting more and more traction with each step Aj took away from me.

“Ok. Hey, don’t worry, I’m here” Aj said with a frown taking in my distress in my eyes as well as my tone of voice. He turned to the nurse “Do you have anyone who can park my car?”

“There is no valet service, sir” She said with an attitude

“Ok, then I’ll just get my girlfriend back in the car and we’ll deal with the wheelchair in the parking lot” Aj said staring her down

“It’s not you, I promise” I said touching the woman’s hand. It took me a minute but I realized that the situation made it look like I didn’t trust her to watch over me alone. She seemed a little friendlier after I cleared that up and she ended up offering to walk the chair down to one of the free handicapped spots on the lot. When Aj and I got back into the car he held my hand tightly and I took a few deep breaths

“Is it still hard to see men you don’t know?” He asked while he parked

“Yeah” I said with more than a little shame

“It’s ok precious. We’ll get through it. It’s ok” He said soothingly but behind his kind words was clearly worry. We got into the hospital and to a doctor without too much issue and when it came time for the actual exam there really wasn’t much to it. The doctor poked around my ribs, checked my neck and jaw, and examined my hand before calling out to my physical therapist and introducing us. She was a cute girl around my age and she was very friendly. She gave me a few exercises to do to help re-strengthen the muscles in my hand and then we were done. I took a deep breath, expecting to feel better since the actual appointment was almost over but if anything I was feeling worse. What the heck was going on in my brain? Dr. Lisa came in and consulted with everyone before sitting down with us and I was beginning to feel sick.

“How do I look?” I asked nervously picking at my fingers again to distract myself from my nausea

“You look as good as can be expected. I imagine it’s been hard staying in the chair all the time but things seem to be healing” She said with a genuine smile, like she really hoped to give me some comfort with her words. It probably hadn’t escaped her notice that I was an emotional wreck

“So do I still have to stay in the chair all the time?” I asked slowly

“You know Kat, I trust you. You’re a dancer and dancers are good at reading their bodies. I think it’s time you can start rebuilding your core muscles to help facilitate the ribs as they heal. Slowly” She said emphasizing the last word

“So what does that mean?” Aj asked

“On top of her daily hand exercises I want Kat to try to walk around a bit for very short amounts of time. Start at five minutes the first day, then ten, then fifteen. Don’t go for longer than an hour just yet and if at any time you feel any sort of pain outside of a general muscle soreness you have to sit down right away. Do you understand the difference between a sore muscle feeling and a pain that would indicate you were doing damage?” Dr. Lisa asked directing the last bit to me

“I do” I said with the smallest sliver of hope creeping into my voice. The feeling spread its warm glow through my body and I could almost feel the battle inside me between the hope and the ugly black thing that I had awoken with this morning

“Are you sure it’s not better to just be safe and have her in the chair for a bit longer?” Aj asked with concern. I shot him a look as the bad feeling fought back hard against the hope and he registered it with some defensiveness “I just want you to be ok”

“If Dr. Lisa has faith in me then you can too” I said sharply, speaking more from my bad feeling than from myself

“It’s not that my love. I’m just worried about you” He said with sincerity and I mentally chastised myself. I have to remember that I am not the only one going through a hard time right now. The bad feeling backed down a bit.

“I’m sorry. I know. I’m sorry” I said squeezing his hand

“It’s good to know that Kat has such a good support system at home. Any other questions before I let you go?” Dr. Lisa asked. Aj went to stand but I cleared my throat

“When do you think I could dance again?” I asked quickly before I had quite realized what I had said. With my words came a sudden and obvious realization. The darkness inside me was a response to my being unable to dance. I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone so long without dancing therapeutically and now, with so much mental strife, I was unable to escape into my favorite activity. Even before hearing Dr. Lisa’s answer I felt a sense of relief. Aj, on the other hand, seemed to have caught the feeling I had just subdued as he tensed up next to me and shot me a look

“Well let’s see how small bouts of walking go before we talk about dancing” Dr. Lisa said kindly and I felt my stomach muscles clench

“Please. Dancing is everything to me. Can you give me any sort of timeline?” I asked nervously, knowing if I didn’t get an answer now that I would have to live with that terrible feeling for another week until I could see her again.

“Kat it is really going to depend on your body” Dr. Lisa started but she seemed to see the desperation in my eyes “If all goes well you should be dancing at a moderate level in the next few weeks but nothing too intense for at least a month I’d guess. And it’s only a guess. Things could change”

“I understand that, thank you” I said with a rush of emotion. Tears of happiness and relief welled in my eyes and I cleared my throat before I continued to try and cover my emotion “I just want to make sure I’m in fighting shape by the time the tour starts up again. If I do everything right then that time frame should be right on track. We start rehearsals at the beginning of February and the first show is the 5^th of that month”

“I know you’ll do everything right Kat but there is still a chance that your body may not be ready” Dr. Lisa warned

“I know myself and I know my body. I have a strong will. I’ll be ready” I said with confidence, making the final blow to that terrible feeling and enjoying the hope and determination that took its place

“I hope so” Dr. Lisa said cautiously “We’ll see”

“Well thanks for everything Dr. Lisa, we’ll see you next week” Aj said standing and shaking her hand. He went to grab my chair but I shook him off

“I think I’ll do my five minutes of walking right now” I said with a smile, wanting to show that ugly feeling who was boss. I stood carefully and began to take small, slow, careful steps towards the door. With each step my mood lifted and began to soar “Oh, one more question”

“Yes?” Dr. Lisa asked

“Is swimming ok?” I asked thinking longingly of Aj’s heated pool

“In small bouts and as long as you promise to listen to your body and stop when it tells you it has had enough” Dr. Lisa said and a real, genuine smile worked its way across my lips

“I promise” I said and Aj followed behind me with the wheel chair towards the car. The ride home was liberating for me. Everything was going to work out just perfectly. I’d walk a little and then I’d dance a little and then I’d be back to normal just in time for tour. Aj, however, seemed quiet “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine” He said staring ahead at the traffic in front of him. I wondered at the souring of his mood but I was feeling so much better that I couldn’t really bring myself to worry much about it.

“Can we swim when we get home? Just for a little bit?” I asked happily

“Are you sure you shouldn’t take it easy since you walked all the way to the car?” Aj asked

“That walk didn’t hurt at all! We’ll just swim for a little. Please?” I begged and Aj gave me a half smile

“Ok. Just for a little” He said and I bounced happily in my seat. When we got home Aj helped me up to my room and into my swim suit and I studied myself in the mirror. My side was still pretty angry looking but it seemed it was a little less bruised

“Just a little more time” I said to myself, affirming that this whole thing would be over soon

“Hey, do you want me to call Mollee?” Aj asked grabbing his phone as I continued looking myself over in the mirror

“I’ll call” I said grabbing his phone from him and sitting in my chair with it

“No more walking now Kat, you did your five minutes today” Aj warned walking into his closet so he could change

“Ok, I hear you” I yelled to him. Mollee picked up and I began to update her excitedly on the doctor

“Let me talk to her before you hang up!” Aj yelled

“Here, you can have her now” I said wheeling into the closet and seeing him standing in just his swimsuit. All my emotions were on high and seeing him standing there with no shirt on, the wide expanse of art blossoming over his muscles, was enough to make me want to jump him there. Come on body, heal fast! “Sexy”

“Thanks” He said distractedly. I shook my head to clear it from where it had gotten lost admiring his body

“I’m heading down to the pool” I said before wheeling out of the room to recover a bit of my control

“Hey Mollee” Aj said quietly once he was sure he wouldn’t be overheard

“Hey! Sounds like a good doctor visit!” Mollee said excitedly

“Yeah, it was. Listen, Kat thinks she’ll be ready to dance in time for the tour” Aj said with concern

“She told me” Mollee said without too much worry

“Well what is going to happen when she finds out about the decision we all made a few days ago?” Aj asked with growing anxiety

“Aj, she won’t be ready in time so it won’t matter. I know she thinks she is super woman but she is only human. And she was badly injured. No dancer can possibly bounce back from that in such a short amount of time and Kat is no exception. Relax” Mollee said and Aj’s annoyance grew

“How can you be so sure? You should have heard her. She said dancing was everything to her. What is she going to say when she finds out-” Aj started but Mollee cut him off

“Aj it’s fine. She physically won’t be able to dance so she’ll never have to find out what we did. She’ll need more time to heal and it will seem like everything ended up as a happy coincidence. Really, you can be such a worrier sometimes” Mollee teased

“I guess” Aj said without feeling it. Was he worrying over nothing or was he the only one who was seeing their rash action in a time of stress as the mistake it really was?

“Kat is happy Aj. Just look at her smile and take in all those really remarkable blues her eyes become when she’s happy. Focus on that and everything will be fine” Mollee said with confidence

“Ok, I will. Thanks Molls, I’ll see you when you get home” Aj said hanging up the phone. Mollee was so sure everything would be ok. Aj willed himself to adopt the same frame of mind but worry bored its way into every positive thought. Realizing he had been inside for too long contemplating everything, he hurried to grab towels and made his way down the stairs. He walked out to the pool and set the towels on a chair before easing into the water

“Hey grumpy, come here” I said cheerfully from my spot sitting on the steps. If it were up to me I’d be swimming laps but Aj’s stress was getting to me so I figured I’d do my best to ease his tension by not pushing things

“I’m not grumpy” Aj said swimming next to me and resting his head in my lap. I gathered his head up in my arms and kissed his cheek

“Well good because I’m getting better Aj. I’m really getting better!” I said excitedly “Things will be back to normal before you know it”

“I can’t wait” Aj said sincerely before grabbing my good hand and bringing it to his lips

“I love you” I said squeezing him towards me

“I love you” He answered with a genuine smile. Finally!

The next few days went by in a blur. My little stints of walking had gone so well that by the time the 31^st had rolled around I was able to stand and walk like a normal person for a full hour a day. I was so excited about my accomplishment, both because it proved I was another small step closer to dancing and because the guys would all be coming to Aj’s house for a huge New Year’s party. No one had seen me since the hospital except for Nick, Mollee and Aj and I was so pumped to show off how much better I was looking and feeling. It was true that I still didn’t feel great about being left alone or coming in close contact with guys I didn’t know but I figured all of that would take care of itself if I put the effort in, just like with my progress with walking. Unfortunately, Aj seemed to be taking two steps backwards for every one step I took forwards. I couldn’t tell what exactly was going on but it was like seeing me walk with less and less pain was actually making him feel worse. It was something I was planning on talking to the other guys about when I saw them. I needed an opinion from someone who hadn’t been living in this house with us for the past two weeks.

“So what’s your plan?” Aj asked after we had both showered and were hanging around in towels, deciding what to wear for the party. Downstairs caterers and decorators were doing their magic turning my blue winter wonderland into the perfect setting for a blow out New Year’s party. All the guys were bringing their families, of course, but there were also some of Aj’s old friends in the area, a bunch of the local Backstreet security with their families, and some neighbors Aj warned almost always turned up. I was hoping for Hasselhoff but Aj said he was probably having his own party.

“I’m not sure. I really want to wear my mirror ball dress as this is kind of the only time of year where something that reflective is appropriate” I said with a laugh pulling out a short, tight, strapless dress covered in little reflective squares that gave the appearance of being one big disco ball.

“So do that. I like it, it’s festive” Aj said contemplating his clothes

“Well the only shoes I have that go with it are tall heals and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it for an hour walking around in those” I said holding the dress up to me as I sat on the bed

“You’re planning on being out of the chair for the whole party?” Aj asked with some alarm

“Yeah, I mean I haven’t walked at all yet today and I figure if I make sure to sit when I’m talking to people then the total standing time will be about an hour. Plus I want to impress everyone with how much better I look” I said. I looked myself over in the mirror and I had to smile. My face and neck were completely free of bruising and my hand had been healing so well that I only needed a cloth brace that stopped right under my elbow. Even my side was showing stripes of normal skin color among the lightening bruise, not that anyone would really see that except for Aj

“Kat I don’t know, that’s a lot” Aj said with that oh so familiar worry crossing his face that always made an appearance when I mentioned walking. It was so annoying!

“I’ll be ok Aj, I promise. If I feel bad then I’ll grab the chair. I’ll even put it downstairs so it will be close by if I really need it” I said sincerely and Aj sighed “Come on my love. Don’t be mad at me. I’m just trying to do what I need to help my ribs heal. The doctor said it was ok”

“I’m not mad” Aj said and I sighed

“You’re doing a pretty good impression of it then” I said sourly

“Let’s not fight, please?” Aj asked looking at me with eyes filled with worry. He sat next to me on the bed and I wrapped him in a hug

“I don’t want to fight Aj but I do want to celebrate feeling better. I don’t understand why you don’t want to do the same” I said placing a sweet kiss on the top of his head

“Kat I’m so glad you’re feeling better. I just want to make sure we do everything right and at the right pace so you don’t have any damage at all when you come out the other side of this” Aj explained and I rolled my eyes

“Aj, that’s what I’m doing! Have a little faith! I don’t want to do anything that will keep me from having the long dance career I’ve always dreamed of. Please just trust that everything I’m doing, I’m doing with my well being at heart” I begged for what seemed like the thousandth time “I’m going to get dressed. Please don’t be upset for your party. Just have a little faith in me” I said wheeling out of the room with my dress and shoes in my lap so I could change without looks of pity and disapproval. Aj watched me go and waited until he heard the door to my bedroom close before going into a far corner of his closet and pulling out his phone

“Happy New Years!” Mollee yelled into the phone causing Aj to almost drop it

“Mollee she’s going to be going the whole party without the chair. She says her side doesn’t hurt her anymore at all. We have to tell her. I’m losing it here” Aj said nervously pacing next to his long line of suits

“Aj, settle down. I’ve told you a thousand times, just because she’s walking and standing doesn’t mean she’ll be dancing in a month” Mollee said with a sigh

“Mollee if she finds out what we did and it’s not from our lips she’s never going to forgive us” Aj said fidgeting with his tie

“If you tell her now, even from your lips, she’ll never forgive us either. Just take a deep breath and wait it out” Mollee said with a sigh. How many of these phone calls was she going to have to field before Aj relaxed?

“I have a terrible feeling about this” Aj said sadly

“I know. You’ve told me. Multiple times. I have to get going if I’m going to make it to your party on time. Please try to relax and enjoy the fact that the woman you love is happy and feeling good?” Mollee said hanging up the phone before Aj could say anything else

“Aj where are you?” I called walking into his bedroom once I was completely put together. I was hoping the sight of me in my sexy dress with no visible bruising might lift his mood. I had braided my hair into a twisting up-do and done my makeup in sparkling gold and silver. I even put on the very first bracelet he had ever gotten me with all the colors my eyes could be.

“I’m here” Aj said coming out from his closet in a beautiful suit. It was a red jewel tone and he had accented it with a black shirt, checkered bowtie, and black shoes

“What do you think” I asked doing a little spin for him. I could feel his eyes rake my body and he smiled in spite of himself

“You look amazing” He said quietly before coming over to me and pressing me into a big hug. I held him there, feeling his stress in the embrace and wondering for the fiftieth time what exactly was causing it

“You know I love you, right?” I said pulling back a little so I could rest my forehead on his and stare into his eyes “No matter what, I’m going to love you forever”

“Do you promise?” Aj asked and I watched as fear crossed his eyes

“Alexander James I promise with everything I am that I love you and always will” I said willing him to believe me and to snap out of this doom and gloom that had settled over him

“I’m going to hold you to that” He said closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. I caught his exhale in a kiss and wove my hands into his hair, pulling him close to me in an effort to erase whatever pain he was feeling. In the middle of our kiss the doorbell rang so Aj took my hand and helped me down the stairs where I walked, like a normal person, and answered the door.

“Happy New Year” I said happily to a familiar mop of brown hair and bright green eyes

“Oh my God, Kat, you look amazing!” Josh said dropping his gift of roses slowly to the floor before embracing me in a careful hug

“You can squeeze a bit Josh, I won’t break” I whispered into his ear and I felt him press his body into mine

“Good to see you Josh” Aj said awkwardly picking up the discarded roses and holding his hand out to Josh as he straightened up from his hug

“Really good to see you too, man” Josh said shaking Aj’s hand without looking away from me

“I’ll just put these in water” Aj said heading towards the kitchen as I laced my fingers with Josh’s and brought him over to the couch

“Look at you! You’re walking and everything!” Josh said excitedly and I beamed

“And look at you! You came all the way across the country to celebrate the New Year with us” I said squeezing his hand. Our eyes met and something inside of me settled into place. It was so nice to have another friend here. The doorbell rang and I didn’t even attempt to move. I heard Aj shuffle towards the door and then heard my sister shout a happy New Year greeting

“Josh! You beat us!” Mollee said happily coming around the couch to where we were sitting “And look at you! Sexy mama!”

“You too!” I said standing to give her a hug and letting her spin in her short green dress. It shimmered in the light and flowed loosely over her body. Her hair was pinned up in curls that were supporting a tiara that said “New Year” and flashed different colors. Before I knew it she was pinning one on my head

“Now we can match!” She said working to attach the tiara without ruining my hair completely

“Are you sure this wouldn’t look better on Josh?” I asked with a grin

“I don’t know if I could rock it like you” Josh said seriously causing Mollee and I to crack up

“Next time I’ll bring you one, hero” Mollee said pecking him on the cheek

“Oh don’t call me that” Josh said shyly

“But it’s true” I teased “You’re my hero”

“Our hero” Mollee corrected and the two of us squished him in a hug

“You’re such a lady killer” Nick said shaking his head as he came and sat across from us. I stood and gave him a hug before perching on the edge of the sofa he had taken a seat in

“A single lady killer” Josh said with a slight blush

“The best kind” Nick said and Mollee and I gave him looks

“You’re asking for trouble mister!” I said nudging him with my elbow “Are you going to DJ for a while tonight?”

“Only if the hostess requests it”

“I do. I request it” I said with a smile

“Then it will be done” Nick said getting up to locate the DJ table. Mollee began talking excitedly to Josh so I went around the front to find Aj welcoming in some guests I didn’t know. They were both men so I hid behind a doorway until they had entered, not wanting to have to play the awkward game of them trying to shake my hand and my being unable to reciprocate. When the coast was clear I wrapped my arms around Aj’s middle and he turned to embrace me

“You were very good” I said quietly into our embrace

“What do you mean?” Aj asked as music started from where, I assumed, Nick’s DJ station was located

“Being nice to Josh and giving us some time together. I’m very proud of you. I also love you best” I said and his smile grew

“That’s good to hear. Tell me again” Aj said with a grin

“I love you the best out of everyone in the whole world. How’s that for good news?” I asked glad to see his mood seemed to be improving

“Amazing, just like you” Aj said hugging me again. I took a deep breath of his colon and his scent and closed my eyes, basking in this feeling of being normal and in love. Unfortunately I didn’t have long to bask as the doorbell rang again

“This is going to be a sound we hear a lot tonight, huh?” I asked with a grin before leading the way to the door and pulling it open. I held my breath, hoping for a familiar or at least female face and was met with both

“Sophie!” I exclaimed pulling her into a deep hug

“Kat! Look at you! You’re all better!” Sophie squealed pulling back to look me up and down

“I’m getting there” I said with a slight blush. She smiled and stepped aside to hug Aj, giving me a clear view of more familiar faces headed up the drive. My heart leapt into my throat and I moved as fast as I could to the driveway to open the door for a smiling Howie

“Wow is it good to see you smile!” He said hopping out of his car to give me a big hug

“It’s good to see you period! Oh Howie, I missed you!” I said only now really feeling it. Leigh made her way out of the car and moved to the backseat where she removed the most adorable baby “And look at this little one! He’s so big!”

“He really is growing” Howie said with love in his eyes as he gazed down at his baby son

“You must love all this family time with the break in the tour. Thanks so much for making it out here” I said sincerely giving James my finger to grip as he cooed

“We had to come to see you. How are you feeling?” Leigh asked with a warm smile

“I’m feeling much better. I’m so happy so many people made it out” I said with emotion. Howie pulled me into a hug again and whispered in my ear

“You really do look remarkable. I’m so proud of you” I held back tears as I took his hand and lead them up the walk where Aj was waiting to welcome them to our home. Once Howie and his family moved in to find food and drinks I made my way back to Aj’s side to welcome more guests. He was great about using his introductions to keep me from having to interact too much with male guests I was just meeting and I was so thankful. About a half hour later we were finally able to shut the door for a moment in a small lull of guest arrivals

“How are you feeling?” Aj asked as I sat down near the door with some water

“Really good actually” I said with a grin that he returned half heartedly. Damn it. I didn’t have long to dwell on the look in his eyes, however, as the doorbell began ringing off the hook. I gave Aj a look and he just shrugged, helping me stand and opening the door in time to see a blonde blur rush past us towards the food table. When I looked up I met with Leighanne’s smiling face as she shook her head at her son’s antics

“I’m so sorry” She said with a laugh

“It’s a party. More people should be running around like crazy if you ask me” I said with a grin

“Kat, I am so glad to see you so happy and healthy” Leighanne said sweetly pulling me into a hug. I glanced over her shoulder to see Brian hanging a few steps back, not really approaching the door but not really staying too far from it either. I pulled back and Aj gave her a hug before she moved past us with an “Excuse me while I go wrangle my son”

“Hey man!” Aj said pulling Brian out of his daze and throwing an arm around his shoulder to help him the rest of the way into the door. Brian gave Aj a weak smile and then his eyes fell on me

“Kat” He said softly taking my hand “You look fantastic”

“I feel it too. It’s so good to see you” I said pulling him into a hug. He barely touched me, afraid to hurt me I guess, so I pulled him in and squeezed tightly. I felt Brian shake a bit and realized he was crying

“Kat, why don’t you take Brian to the kitchen and have him help you grab some ice” Aj said sweetly, knowing Brian might want to some private time. I had forgotten over the few weeks here at Aj’s how upset Brian had been at the hospital. We had talked on the phone since then but clearly this whole thing was weighing pretty heavily on his mind. I pulled back from our hug and lead him into the kitchen where we found two chairs and settled across from each other

“How’re you doing my noble stead?” I joked after he had wiped his eyes and taken a few deep breaths

“So much better now that I can see you. You really look amazing. It’s like nothing ever happened” Brian said bringing his hand up to where my bruises had been by my forehead. He slowly ran them down my cheek and onto my neck, seeming like he needed his sense of touch to really understand that I had healed

“I’m still not great at being out of the wheel chair for too long” I confessed “the doctor said I could do an hour a day standing and walking so that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m not allowed to dance yet but the doctor thinks there may be a chance that I’d be ready to go by the tour. Of course I’m going to work my butt of to make sure that the small chance becomes a definite. I couldn’t imagine not dancing with you all in February”

“What? Oh. Yeah” Brian said distantly. I couldn’t be sure because he was clearly feeling so many emotions right now but Brian seemed to have gone a little rigid at the mention of my dancing on the tour. Whatever it was, he recovered quickly and a smile spread across his face “I’m so glad you’re getting better”

“I’m working hard, that’s for sure. Grab a bag of ice from the freezer and we’ll head back out into the masses, ok?” I asked

“Sure. One more hug though” Brian said pulling me into a little less fragile embrace “It’s so good to see you princess”

“You too, Bri” I said happily. When Brian and I stepped back into the main party room the number of people in it seemed to have tripled. I scanned the place to try and find a familiar face until I found Josh’s mop of hair and began to make my way towards it. As he came into view, however, I noticed he was actively engaged in conversation with Sophie. The way he was resting his arm casually across the sofa back and how she giggled at what he was saying and flipped her hair told me I should probably leave the two of them alone. I smiled to myself, imagining that happy pairing and almost ran head first into Camie

“Hey bitch!” She yelled happily pulling me into a hug

“Camie? What are you doing here!?” I asked happily

“You think I would miss a Backstreet party? I also wanted to see for myself this miraculous recovery you’ve made. Congrats chick, never let a man keep you down!” She said tactlessly. Oh Camie. Some things never change

“I try. Well it’s good to see you” I said sincerely. We’d had our differences but Camie wasn’t that bad and I was happy she seemed to be enjoying herself

“Come dance with me like the old days” Camie said grabbing my hand and leading me to the dance floor that had been set up where the dining room table usually stood. A wave of excitement and a bit of nerves hit me as we made our way to the floor and the music began to surge through me

“Camie I’m not really supposed to dance yet” I said looking around for Aj

“Why the hell not? You look fine and I’m not asking you to attempt pirouettes, just bop along” Camie said in that tone that I recognized from so many of our clubbing activities in times past. Camie’s biggest fear was being left alone. All she needed was a partner in crime and here, after a few weeks apart, she seemed to want me to reprise that role

“Sorry Camie, Aj would kill me” I said with a small smile, backing away. I took one step back and then another but it was the third step that would be my undoing as I managed to catch someone’s toe and my shoe shifted a bit from under me. I thought for a moment that I would manage to stay upright and ok but that moment flew by as my weak core muscles failed under the weight of my swinging center of gravity. Before I knew it I was on the ground. The music came to an abrupt halt and everyone around me stopped dancing to stare. My pulse began to race as I did a mental tally of all my body parts, starting with the most injured. Ribs? Good. Wrist? Good. Head? Good. Legs? Good. Pride? Not so good. I blushed tomato red and registered Nick as he launched himself from the DJ station and shoved his way to my side

“Oh my God, Kat are you ok?” Nick asked frantically. Everyone was staring at me. Damn it everyone was looking at me like I was some injured puppy. Oh that poor girl, she was beat up by a man and now she’s fallen again. That poor, poor victim.

“Nick, turn the music back on” I whispered harshly

“What? Are you ok?” Nick asked without hearing me

“I’m fine. Please. Nick. Turn on the music” I said getting slightly frantic. I could practically hear the whispered pity. Weak. Frail. Fragile. Pathetic

“What?” Nick asked again, unable to understand that while I was physically fine, I was mentally beginning to spiral

“Jesus Christ, I’ll do it” Camie said pushing her way to the DJ station and resuming Nick’s playlist. Nick helped me to my feet and gradually people began to look away and continue dancing

“Let me help you to your chair and we can find Aj” Nick said grabbing my elbow but I pulled it away from him

“I’m fine! I stumbled! It’s ok! Just leave me alone!” I said harshly, my embarrassment turning to fury as I stalked out of the room, leaving a stunned Nick in my wake. I made my way up the stairs to my room and slammed the door. Once I was sure I was alone I sunk down to my knees in front of my vanity mirror and let my tears fall. All of those people had been looking at me with such pity. Everyone was telling me I was so strong but really they still saw me as a victim. I was no Amazon. I was nothing more than a child.

“Kat?” I heard softly from the door. I wiped my eyes quickly on the back of my hands “Can I come in?”

“Yeah” I said sniffing back my tears of anger before Aj could see them. He closed the door behind him and sat next to me

“Are you ok?” Aj asked cautiously “I mean, are your ribs and arm ok?”

“Yeah. I just stumbled. I’m fine” I said taking a deep breath

“And how are you feeling up here” Aj said placing his hand delicately at my temple and then moving it to my chest, right over my heart “And here?”

“Aj, I’m sorry” I said leaning into his chest. His arms automatically wrapped around me and I closed my eyes, thankful to be in my safe place

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. Well, maybe you can apologize to Nick for yelling at him. But besides that…”

“I didn’t mean to yell at him I just needed to get out of there. I couldn’t stand all of those people looking at me like… like I was broken” I said into his chest with a fairly pathetic whimper attached

“Precious no one thinks that” Aj said holding me tighter, voice breaking at hearing my distress

“You didn’t see how they looked at me. I can’t even trip without becoming a freak show” I said with equal parts sadness and anger

“Everyone just wants to make sure you’re ok. It’s not because they think you’re weak, it’s because they love you and care about you” Aj said rubbing soothing circles into my tense shoulders

“This is how he always wins” I said angrily as more tears of fury raced down my cheeks and into Aj’s suit

“What do you mean?”

“I heal and I grow but he wins because I can never erase the stamp of ‘victim’ that he gave me” I raged

“Ok. Come on” Aj said standing and pulling me up with him

“Where are we going?” I asked through sniffs

“Just follow me” Aj said leading me out the door

“I can’t go back down there” I said dropping his hand

“We’re not going down there” Aj reassured me before grabbing my hand again and leading me down the hall to his room. He pulled aside his drapes and opened the door to his balcony that over looked the ocean. He lead me outside and then pulled the door shut behind us, effectively drowning out most of the party noise and replacing it with the sounds of waves on the shore. He sat down on his deck recliner and then pulled me on top of him so his strong heartbeat pounded through my back as I stared into the rhythm of the ocean waves. As I let the matching pulses from Aj’s heart and the waves beat through me I slowly began to calm down. I felt silly for overreacting and completely drained of energy all at once

“Aj?” I whispered after a few minutes

“Yes, my love?” Aj answered in kind

“I’m tired”

“Then let’s sleep” He said dragging his nails lightly up and down my arm

“But there’s a party down there and it’s not even midnight” I protested half heartedly

“Nick and Mollee are prepared to take over the party. And the New Year will come whether or not we are personally available to ring it in” Aj said planting a sweet kiss on the top of my head

“But what about my cute dress?” I pouted

“It’ll look better on my floor” Aj said seductively and I couldn’t help but smile a little

“One track mind” I scolded him playfully as he picked me up and brought me to his bed. He carefully removed my dress and shoes before undressing himself and allowing me to remove my hair pins and silly tiara Mollee had given me. Then he slid under the covers and pulled me close to him before using a remote to dim the lights to complete darkness. He stared at me before planting a light kiss on my nose. I yawned

“Go to sleep precious” He whispered

“I’m sorry I ruined your party” I said guiltily

“You didn’t ruin anything. I was never in favor of this party. That was all Mollee and Nick” Aj said into the darkness

“Because you didn’t think I would be able to handle it?” I asked with a pang of the earlier embarrassment making its way through my stomach

“Honestly, I was the one who I feared would be unable to handle it” Aj confessed

“What do you mean?”

“New Years is all about drinking. No matter what, this party meant that there would be alcohol in my house. It’s a hard situation. I designed this place to be my sanctuary. Letting alcohol in here is like letting the devil through the front door” Aj said sadly. I scooted closer to him and placed my good hand on his cheek

“Then why on Earth did you agree to it?” There was a long bit of silence before Aj sighed and said so softly that I could barely catch it

“I thought it might make you happy”

“Alexander James” I said with emotion, pulling him into a tight hug “Don’t you ever risk your sobriety for my happiness. Never, ever again, do you hear me?”

“My sobriety is never a question when you’re around my love. One look at you and I know who I am. I know where I belong” Aj said sweetly

“Well next time we’ll plan it better” I said through a yawn “And I’m still sorry to be dragging you away from New Year’s”

“There is nowhere else I’d rather be than right here in your arms” Aj mumbled into my neck and my heart melted

“Happy New Year’s Aj” I said closing my eyes

“Happy New Year’s Kat”